With the recent news that former Ohio State Buckeyes head football coach Urban Meyer will be opening Urban Meyer’s Pint House in Dublin, Ohio just outside Columbus, I’ve decided to have a little fun with it this Wednesday morning.
The restaurant will include Urban’s 7-0 room, a private event space named for Meyer’s record against the Michigan Wolverines. The room will feature trophies and memorabilia from Meyer’s career and serve as a venue for fundraising events for the Urban and Shelley Meyer Foundation.
Following the news, I’ve decided to create my own made-up restaurant/bar. In doing so, I, along with some others at WFNY, have come up with some ideas on what to name it along with some of the things that will be on the many and some of the specific locations that will be inside our new restaurant and bar.1 The easy route would have been to just name it Club WFNY, but, well, that’s way too easy. Before I begin, just know that there is plenty of corniness involved in this. Don’t let that hold you back. So let’s get started:
Baker’s Kitchen: If you aren’t wearing brown and orange, you might as well turn around because you’re not allowed in.
Boobie’s Shack: Just an R&B bar owned and founded by Daniel Gibson. Get your mind out of the gutter, please.
Kluber’s Comedy Club: Wait, this is kind of ironic, no? No laughing or smiling. Thanks.
0-16: It’s self-explanatory, right? Have a feeling that if this was the name of the place, the Dawg Pound would stay far, far away. Then again, they did have a parade for this perfect 0-fer record.
Factory of Sadness: Along those lines, luckily, we won’t have to deal with this one either. Known as the Factor of Sadness for much of the past two decades, things are looking up for the Browns, so let’s completely forget about this one.
Baker’s ‘The Staredown’: This meal will be so good that you just won’t be able to stop staring at it, even while eating.
Boozer’s: Oh, yeah, about Carlos Boozer. The menu will clearly feature printed prices but the bartenders will charge more on your card behind your back.
The Handoff: If the bartender or waiter/waitress shakes your hand at some point during your meal or while you’re grabbing some drinks, an automatic 16% will be taken off your bill to commemorate Hue Jackson’s perfect 0-16 season and Damarius Randall’s brilliant idea to hand the ball to his former head coach after an interception in Cincinnati last fall.
Day 1 GOAT: We have to include the first lineman in NFL history. This will include plenty of Wisconsin-esque things, such as cheese curds and all of those good, healthy eats.
330: Not sure how and/or what we will make, but it will equal 330 calories to represent the 330, where LeBron was born and has lived in ever since.
Tatgate: Remember when Jim Tressel’s Tatgate seemed like such a big deal in college athletics? Crazy how minuscule it seems now given all of the recent scandals surrounding the NCAA and its athletics. On specific days, if you have a tattoo, you will get a free menu item.
Beat Mich-Again: Like Meyer’s actual Pint House, we would like to celebrate the fact that Ohio State was a perfect 7-0 against That Team Up North in the Urban Era. This room will feature plenty of scarlet and gray and not a single spec of blue.
LeBron and the 2016 Cavaliers’ Room of Champions: It’s pretty self-explanatory. This room will be for the best of the best.
Draymond’s Suspended Area: Been drinking too much and causing a problem? Instead of throwing you out, you will instead be placed in a timeout, brought to you by Draymond Green. Luckily, once you get thrown in once, it’s likely that the referees err I mean, the bouncers, will likely not get you in trouble again that night. If they do, they’ll just magically change it to someone else further into the night.
Steph’s Pitty Area: Still having a hissy fit even after being thrown timeout? We have you covered there, too. If you decide to throw your drink or just don’t stop complaining, you will now be thrown in the Pitty Area, where mouthpieces will be given to you to chew on that way you stop pouting.
What say you, Cleveland fans? What are some other ideas you have that you would love to add to the lists above?
Not to take away from WFNY’s own Joe Gerberry’s “Rant of the Week” that he has in his WWW most every Thursday, but I may begin my own Hot Take of the Week to go in my WWW each Wednesday as well. Some may not be hot takes, but then again, I’m not stealing Joe’s idea either. This week, I have a few things I would like to talk about:
Hope everyone has a great Wednesday and a solid rest of the week!