Browns, WWW

Woke Up Feeling Dangerous: Screenplay for a motion picture

FADE IN:1

INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT

Through the blinds of a window is the skyline of Cleveland, Ohio. The Key Tower stands dutifully over the rest of the city. Steam rises from various vents, smokestacks, and other accouterments of industry — a city of work.

Down and to the right, below the window, BAKER MAYFIELD sits in bed. His eyes are open. The alarm clock sounds on the nightstand to his right, but BAKER is already awake. He reaches over and turns the alarm off. The clock reads 5:30 a.m.

BAKER pulls the sheets from over him, he is already wearing sneakers and full workout groutfit (gray outfit of sweatpants and hooded sweatshirt). The sweatshirt reads “FBI” in block letters across the chest. The sweatbands have an elastic band and drawstring. They are tucked into calf-high socks. BAKER swings legs out to side of bed. Rises.

KITCHEN

BAKER exits bedroom into the kitchen. BAKER walks to refrigerator, pulls out a gallon of milk, a quart of ice cream, and a carton of eggs. BAKER puts two scoops of ice cream and a cup of milk into a blender on the kitchen counter, unpeels and breaks in half a banana from the counter and throws it in the blender. BAKER carefully breaks one egg and adds it to the concoction, delicately breaks and adds another, then dumps the remaining ten eggs into the blender, shell and all. BAKER grabs a second carton of eggs from the refrigerator and throws another three unbroken eggs into the blender. BAKER blends the mixture for 12-18 seconds and proceeds to drink the concoction with two hands straight from the blender container. BAKER shudders as he places the empty blender jug on the counter, belches, does a shimmy, and a short dance. BAKER exits the apartment.

EXT. CITY STREET – SUNRISE

An alternative version of “Danger Zone,” by KENNY LOGGINS plays. BAKER’s sneakers hit the pavement to the rhythm of the opening guitar chords and synthesizers notes.

KENNY LOGGINS (V.O.)

Revvin’ up the offense
Listen to the crowd, its roar (roar)
Defense under tension
Beggin’ to slow the score (score)

Woke up fee-lin danger-ous
Ride in-to the Baker Zone

An F-14 fighter jet zoom across the sky. BAKER runs through the streets of Cleveland and shadow boxes the air.

KENNY LOGGINS (V.O.)

Headin’ into four-wide
Spreadin’ out the wings tonight
She got you jumpin’ offsides
Keep another drive a-live

Crosshairs from an F-14 lock in on an enemy aircraft, possibly Soviet-made. Baker passes a group of kids playing basketball on a park court. F-14 fighter jet launches missle. The ball rolls away from the game to BAKER.

KIDS

Baker, pass us the ball!

Baker picks up the basketball and throws it at a high velocity through the air.

INTERCUT TO MISSILE FIRED FROM F-14 TOMCAT

INTERCUT TO BASKETBALL

The basketball makes impact with the backboard, which shatters as the pole holding it up breaks in half.

KIDS

What the hell, man?

KENNY LOGGINS (V.O.)

Woke up fee-lin danger-ous
Ride in-to the Baker Zoo-oooooone

Baker runs toward the Fountain of Eternal Life in downtown Cleveland. FIGHTER JET. BAKER. FIGHTER JET. BAKER dives into the Fountain of Eternal Life. Baker stands triumphantly, lifting his arms into the air, running in place, and spitting out water. Guitar solo.

KENNY LOGGINS (V.O.)

Woke up fee-lin danger-ous
Ride in-to the Baker Zoo-oooooone

FADE OUT:

INT. FBI OFFICE – DAY

Cops noisily type on typewriters. Cigarette smoke fills the room. Some officers wearing suspenders and holstered guns stand around a break room table drinking coffee and talking. Baker enters and crosses office. MYLES GARRETT reclines in a wooden chair with headphones on, feet on his desk. Myles flips through a case file. Baker pulls off one of Myles’ headphones off.

BAKER

Are you listening to Michael Bolton again you weirdo?

MYLES

The man sings the language of love Mayfield! Now you’re just a rookie, but one day —

BAKER

One day I’m going to start listening to corny-ass music made for lonely 50-year-old housewives? I don’t think so.

MYLES

Whatever, man. You should get to know your sensitive side.

DEPUTY INTERIM DIRECTOR GREGG WILLIAMS yells from his office.

DIRECTOR WILLIAMS (O.S.)

BAY-KERRRRRR. GET YOUR ASS IN HERE!

BAKER
(to MYLES)

I’d rather get to know Director Williams’ sensitive side first.

Baker walks away.

DEPUTY INTERIM DIRECTOR WILLIAMS’ OFFICE

Baker enters Director Williams’ office. Director Williams sits behind his desk.

BAKER

Yes, Director Williams.

DIRECTOR WILLIAMS

WHAT’S THIS ABOUT YOU BASHING FORMER DIRECTOR JACKSON IN THE PAPERS? ARE YOU TRYING TO GET ME IN DEEP [expletive] WITH PRESIDENT HASLAM?

BAKER

If people don’t like it, whatever. Police work’s not meant to be a soft game. Couldn’t care less.

DIRECTOR WILLIAMS

BAKER, THIS IS THE F.B.I. THE FOOTBALL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION. YOU BROUGHT HERE TO DO A JOB FOR THIS UNIT, AND WHEN YOU HAVE THE PRESIDENT BREATHING DOWN MY NECK FOR SOME STUNT YOU PULLED IN THE MEDIA, YOU HURT THE UNIT.

BAKER

Alright, Director Williams.

DIRECTOR WILLIAMS

I RUN MY UNIT HOW I RUN MY UNIT. IF YOU WANT TO CHALLENGE ME, ROLL THE DICE AND TAKE YOUR CHANCES. I EAT BREAKFAST 300 YARDS FROM 4000 CUBANS WHO ARE TRAINED TO KILL ME. SO DON’T THINK FOR ONE SECOND YOU CAN COME IN HERE, FLASH A BADGE, AND MAKE ME NERVOUS.

BAKER

…What?

DIRECTOR WILLIAMS

I WAS OFFERED 7 DEPUTY DIRECTOR POSITIONS AND 5 AMBASSADORSHIPS THAT I TURNED TO COME HERE AND BE EXECUTIVE ASSISTANT DIRECTOR OF FOOTBALL’S Bureau of Regional Operations for Wiping out Narcotics. I CAME HERE TO BE A B.R.O.W.N.

BAKER

But with all due respect, Director Williams, are you even going to be here next season? Especially after what happened in New Orleans.

Director Williams glares at Baker.

DIRECTOR WILLIAMS

WE’RE NOT HERE TO TALK ABOUT THAT. YEAH, WE’RE NOT HERE TO TALK ABOUT THAT.

BAKER

Sorry, sir.

DIRECTOR WILLIAMS

YOU’RE A LOOSE CANNON BAKER. YOUR FREEWHEELING, RECKLESS ATTITUDE MAY SCORE POINTS WITH PRESIDENT HASLAM AND EVEN WIN SOME ARRESTS. BUT ONE OF THESE DAYS YOU’RE GONNA DROP THE BALL AND HURT THIS UNIT AND THE BUREAU.

BAKER

Yes, sir.

DIRECTOR WILLIAMS

GET OUT OF MY OFFICE.

Baker walks out of office.

FBI OFFICE

MYLES

How did that go?

BAKER

Well since you’re the dinosaur expert, let me put it in terms you might understand: If Director Williams was a dinosaur, his name would be Tirade-osaurus Rex.

Myles laughs.

SPECIAL AGENT FREDDIE KITCHENS enters from a private office off the side of the larger FBI office.

SPECIAL AGENT KITCHENS

We’ve got a new case, you two. And this one is hot. It’s the Baltimore Ravens — the most vicious gang and biggest movers of Colombian Bam Bam on the Eastern Seaboard — the Devil’s Dandruff, Squirrel, Pang Pang, White Lightning — cocaine! Take a look at the case file.

Freddie hands the file to Baker in a manila envelope. Baker opens the folder and glances at a few sheets of paper before setting them on his desk. Baker begins sifting through the photos in the file.

SPECIAL AGENT KITCHENS

That’s what they did to the Los Angeles division of the bureau last week. It was ugly.

Baker recoils in disgust.

BAKER

Oh. My. God. The L.A. Chargers are one of the best tactical units in the FBI.

SPECIAL AGENT KITCHENS

They’re good. And the Ravens ripped them apart. I’ve seen a lot of shit in my time, but I ain’t never seen shit like this.

MYLES

Is this…Philip Rivers?

SPECIAL AGENT KITCHENS

…was.

BAKER

He’s unrecognizable in these photos.

MYLES

I think I’m gonna be sick …

Myles grabs the trash can next to Bakers desk, wretches, and vomits into the trash can.

SPECIAL AGENT KITCHENS

Rivers was on in the running for Most Valuable Police of the year, and those bastards destroyed him. They tore him up like a sasquatch on a barbecue brisket sandwich in Alabama. He didn’t even make it 200 yards. Two interceptions.

BAKER

Any touchdowns?

Freddie shakes his head grimly.

SPECIAL AGENT KITCHENS

Ain’t a one.

Myles holds his head with one hand and covers his stomach with the other. The trash can remains sitting in his lap.

MYLES

What are we going to do?

SPECIAL AGENT KITCHENS

We’ll draw something up. In the meantime, you guys go to Baltimore and do some investigating in their next move.

BAKER

Got it. Let’s roll.

Baker and Myles grab their badges and guns and walk toward the exit.

SPECIAL AGENT KITCHENS

Baker.

Baker pauses dramatically and answers without turning around.

BAKER

Yeah.

SPECIAL AGENT KITCHENS

Be careful down there. Things could get DANGEROUS.

Baker turns to Special Agent Kitchens.

BAKER

I WOKE UP FEELING DANGEROUS.

Freddie Kitchens winks at Baker. Baker and Myles leave and close the door.

INT./EXT. CAR DRIVING

2 DAYS LATER – PITTSBURGH, PENNSYLVANIA

An RV drives down the road. Inside, Baker drives and Myles sits in the passenger’s seat.

MYLES

You know, you could have bought a new car after the academy.

BAKER

This is what they made me get at the academy. Besides, I like it. It’s loaded with snacks, and we can take turns napping on stakeouts.

MYLES

OK. But are we sure we can trust this lead?

BAKER

Listen, I don’t trust any of the Steelers more than you do. But the Ravens have been a thorn in their side for years — they need our help to take them down.

MYLES

True. But it makes me nervous.

BAKER

Me too.

INT. INACTIVE STEEL FOUNDRY

Baker and Myles walk into the foundry.

MYLES

This better be good, Brown. What do you have for us?

ANTONIO BROWN and HUE JACKSON are seated at a table with one another.

BAKER

Jackson — what the hell are you doing here? I thought we ended your career back in Cleveland.

BROWN

He’s got some information for you.

MYLES

And why should we trust him?

BROWN

He’s been around the North Division of the FBI for a long time. Cincinnati, Cleveland, Cincinnati again. He’s lost to all these teams, including the Ravens, for years.

BAKER

How did you get him here?

BROWN

Easy — I told him the Steelers may have a job for him as a Deputy Director if we part ways with Director Tomlin.

BAKER

Pathetic. Like anyone would hire him after only three busts in three years.

JACKSON

Dumber things have happened in the Football Bureau of Investigation. You might be working for Mike McCarthy in three months.

BAKER

You hold your tongue you sick son of a bitch!

Baker lunges at Jackson. Myles restrains him.

MYLES

Calm down, Baker! Alright, Jackson. You’ve already wasted enough of my career. What do you have for us?

JACKSON

I’m never gonna help you guys! You’d have to kill me first.

Baker grabs Jackson by his quarter-zip pullover.

BAKER

Out with it, Jackson!

JACKSON

OK! The Ravens are bringing in a huge shipment of goods tonight.

BAKER

Where?

JACKSON

I’m not telling any more. I swear on the arm of Andy Dalton I’m not sharing any more. You could torture me hours, days, months, years! I’ll never crack.

Baker shakes Jackson once.

BAKER

Now, Jackson!

JACKSON

OK, OK! They’re bringing the illegal goods in … tonight … down at a nondescript warehouse at the shipping yard.

BAKER

The shipping yard? Sounds a lot like …

MYLES

Yep: Season Two of THE WIRE.

BAKER

It’s almost as if…

MYLES

That’s right: The screenwriter’s familiarity with the geographical area of Baltimore, Maryland, is limited to WIRE references due the area’s limited relevance to pop culture. Besides crab cakes and lacrosse, what is Maryland’s identity? Being weirdly shaped?

BAKER
(to Jackson)

How do we stop the Ravens?

JACKSON
(straining)

Got to…watch…the tape.

BAKER

That’s not helpful! Tell us how to stop them!

JACKSON

I don’t…know. I went 1-31 over two seasons, remember.

BAKER

You can’t suck this much! You have to know more.

MYLES

He’s telling the truth, Baker. He’s clueless. Let’s get out of here.

BAKER

Fine. Let’s go. Until next time, Jackson.

Baker and Myles turn to leave.

BAKER

Brown—one last thing.

BROWN

What’s that?

BAKER

Why’d you help us?

BROWN

The Steelers hate the Ravens, too. As much as I hate it, we need you to stop them. Even the Steelers are rooting for the B.R.O.W.Ns this week.

BAKER

See you next season.

Baker and Myles leave the foundry.

INT./EXT. CAR DRIVING

Baker is on the phone.

BAKER

Freddie, we’re on our way to Baltimore. They’ve got a shipment of goods coming into a nondescript warehouse at the shipping yard tonight.

SPECIAL AGENT KITCHENS (O.S.)

How did you find out?

BAKER

Let’s just say we got the information from an old friend.

Baker winks at Myles.

SPECIAL AGENT KITCHENS (O.S.)

That’s unnecessarily cryptic. How long do you have to get there?

BAKER

Well it’s day now. And the shipment comes it at night. It takes four hours to get there, and I have an RV. I’ll be there in five hours.

SPECIAL AGENT KITCHENS (O.S.)

I’ll try to get some of the team out there, and work on finishing this game plan.

BAKER

Sounds good. We’ll talk to you soon.

Baker hangs up the phone.

BAKER

Let’s get some music going.

Myles plugs his phone into the USB cord connected to the RV console, and play on his phone.

MICHAEL BOLTON (V.O.)

Tell me how am I supposed to live without you
Now that I’ve been loving you so long…

BAKER

Not Michael Bolton now, Myles.

MYLES

The man’s lyrics are the poetry of passion!

BAKER

Maybe they are! But it’s time for a pre-final showdown montage—he need something that kicks, something that’s from the 80s, and something with a sick guitar solo.

MYLES

Fine. What have you got?

Baker unplugs Myles’ phone from the radio and plugs his own in. Baker dramatically presses play. MICHAEL JACKSON’s “Beat It” begins to play. [Handwritten note from studio scribbled in margin: We are not paying the licensing fees for a Michael Jackson song. How about Tito Jackson? Or Lionel Ritchie?]

Baker’s RV flies down the Pennsylvania Turnpike to the opening riff of “Beat It.”

MICHAEL JACKSON (V.O.)

They told him, “Don’t you ever come around here”

Baker’s RV drifts around a right hand turn and darts between traffic.

MICHAEL JACKSON (V.O.)

Don’t wanna see no blood, don’t be a macho man

Baker and Myles sit quietly at a red light

MICHAEL JACKSON (V.O.)

So beat it, but you wanna be bad!

The RV jumps off a ramp and over a school bus.

MICHAEL JACKSON (V.O.)

Just beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it…

Baker and Myles high-five in the RV.

MICHAEL JACKSON (V.O.)

Just beat it (beat it)/
Just beat it (beat it)…

Baker and Myles are ordering in a Taco Bell drive-thru.

MICHAEL JACKSON (V.O.)

Don’t wanna be a boy, you wanna be a man.

A hologram of Michael Jackson (R.I.P.) and the Cleveland Browns elf moonwalk side-by-side.

MICHAEL JACKSON (V.O.)

You’re playin’ with your life, this ain’t no truth or dare…

Baker hands items from Taco Bell bag to Myles at drive-thru window.

MICHAEL JACKSON (V.O.)

Showin’ how funky and strong is your fight…

The Browns elf puts on a pair sunglasses and does a backflip over the Michael Jackson hologram. They high five. Eddie Van Halen shreds his guitar solo shreds, melting the faces of a percentage of viewers.

Baker and Myles bobbing their heads and mouth-guitaring the solo while eating a Cheesy Gordita Crunch and a Crunchwrap Supreme, respectively.

MICHAEL JACKSON (V.O.)

Beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it …

INTERCUT .gif of Michael Jackson laughing and eating popcorn at the movies from the “Thriller” video.

MICHAEL JACKSON (V.O.)

No one wants to be defeated.

Flames shoot from the exhaust of the RV.

MICHAEL JACKSON (V.O.)

Just beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it
No one wants to be defeated
Showin’ how funky and strong is your fight
It doesn’t matter who’s wrong or right
Just beat it (beat it)

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. SHIPPING YARD – NIGHT

The RV turns into the shipping yards. Baker and Myles drive to the back of a warehouse, and exit the vehicle.

MYLES

This is a nondescript warehouse indistinguishable from dozens within a half-mile radius. This must be it.

BAKER

You go around the edge and let me know if you see anything. I’ll stay here and monitor this conspicuously unguarded entrance for suspicious activity.

MYLES

Sounds good.

Myles crouches and runs 100 feet away to the side of the warehouse. Baker kneels behind the car and pulls out binoculars.

VIGNETTED SHOT THROUGH BINOCULARS:

Stacks of shipping crates. Shot moves left slowly to see the edge of the warehouse door. No signs of activity yet. Up and to the right, a catwalk currently unoccupied. Further down to the right— the camera cuts away from the binoculars shot to Baker’s face.

BAKER

Oh my god.

OUTSIDE OF WAREHOUSE

Myles peers around the edge of the warehouse. Myles sees a gangplank, with a group of shadowy figures carrying large sacks of what is obviously illegal contraband up to a docked boat.

MYLES

That must be the stuff!

Myles’ eyes move up to the bridge of the boat, where he sees several Baltimore Ravens wearing their standard gang uniforms — purple leather jackets with gold trim. They’re armed with AK-47s strapped around their shoulders. One of them shouts directions in what sounds like Vietnamese to one of the figures carrying the sacks onboard.

Baker squints over his binoculars and shakes his head. He puts the binoculars back up to his eyes.

VIGNETTED SHOT THROUGH BINOCULARS:

A bulletin board in the warehouse with members of the B.R.O.W.NS all over it. There’s President Haslam, and Chief Williams just below him. Sergeant Kitchens, Detective Garrett, Officers Landry and Schobert. There’s miscellaneous arrows, circles, yarn, and post-it notes everywhere — along with a seemingly pointless Venn diagram. All the chains of arrows terminate in the middle, on an 8.5” x 11” photo of Baker Mayfield. In big purple letters above the photo, scribbled on a piece of notebook paper in the handwriting of an obvious psychopath, it says (in all caps), “KILL BAKER MAYFIELD.”

Baker gasps.

VIGNETTED SHOT THROUGH BINOCULARS:

To the right of the bulletin board is the skeletal back of a cyborg/killer robot turned from Baker. It looks not unlike a combination of the Terminator T-800 without fake human flesh, and Rosie from the Jetsons without a skirt. It has wheels. Visible at the rear of the robot’s head is what appears to be a human brain in a glas case. The robot turns, revealing a prosthetic imitation of the face of Art Modell, complete with glasses.

Myles comes up behind Baker at RV.

MYLES

They’re loading up the stuff now.

BAKER
(handing the binoculars to Myles)

Take a look at this.

MYLES

Oh my god. They’ve cryogenically preserved the brain of Art Modell and implanted it into a killer cyborg Robo-Modell? We’ve got to stop them.

BAKER

I know.

MYLES

Let’s call the rest of team now and move in.

BAKER

No. We got this.

Myles grabs Baker by the lapels of his leather jacket and shoves him against the RV

MYLES

Goddamit, Mayfield! This isn’t college, anymore. You’re not in Norman, Oklahoma! This is the Football Bureau of Investigation! This is team police work! Eleven guys! Two units! Offense! Defense! Sometimes Special Teams!

Tears begin to well up in Myles’ eyes

MYLES

I don’t want to lose another quarterback! I’ve been on this team one full year. One! And I’ve already had five quarterbacks! There was Detective Kizer, who was intercepted to death. Detective Hogan — he died of dysentery. Kessler was hauled into the jungle by a pack of wild Jaguars. I watched Tyrod Taylor get incinerated by a Jet engine. I can’t lose another quarterback, Baker.

Baker pauses dramatically.

BAKER

You’re right. We need the team.

Baker grabs a walkie-talkie from the car.

BAKER

Sergeant Kitchens, this is Detective Mayfield. We found the Ravens. We’re going to engage. Send the team. Also, There’s a robot cyborg of Art Modell.

Baker and Myles stand on either side of the door opening onto the warehouse. Baker draws a football from inside his leather jacket. Myles pulls his badge. They enter the warehouse.

BAKER

Freeze Robo-Modell. This is the Football Bureau of Investigation. You’re under arrest.

ROBO-MODELL

If it isn’t Baker Mayfield. And Myles Garrett. Hahaha. Did you think you were going to arrest me quietly without a fight?

BAKER

Of course not. But we thought we’d ask. It’s standard operating procedure. The rest of the team is on its way, now. How do you want to do this? Are you going to give a dramatic monologue before we fight this out?

ROBO-MODELL

Might as well. In the 1990s, Cleveland should have given in to my demands to build a new stadium so I could pay off my debtors. But they didn’t! And it’s my goal in death as in life to repay my vengeance tenfold upon the city. Just like I stole the football team from Cleveland, I’m going to use the money from this boatload of cocaine to steal everything else. It’s rock and roll, its industry, its world-class art at the Cleveland Play House and the Cleveland Art Museum, its West Side Market, its cutting-edge research at NASA’s Glenn Research Center, its beer, and its pierogies.

MYLES

Not our pierogies!

BAKER

Why are you doing this Robo-Modell?

ROBO-MODELL

Because I’m evil! Duh!

MYLES

Well we’re putting a stop to it. Right now!

BAKER

Did you really think you would get away with it?

ROBO-MODELL

Sure! After all, I got away with stealing the Browns.

ROBO-MODELL

Lamar!

LAMAR JACKSON emerges from outside the warehouse.

LAMAR

Yes sir!

ROBO-MODELL

You and the rest of the Ravens, put an end to our friends from the Football Bureau of Investigation.

Lamar loads a clip into his machine gun.

JACKSON

Get ‘em, Ravens!

The Ravens fire their machine guns at Baker and Myles. Baker and Myles who take cover behind a pallet loaded with steel drums. Baker quickly stands and fires a perfectly spiraled football at a steel beam suspending the catwalk from the ceiling. The beam snaps in half and the left side of the catwalk falls. Three Ravens slide off and into a water tank filled with piranhas. The henchmen scream.

BAKER

Myles, enter Jurassic Mode!

MYLES

You got it. Entering…Jurassic…Mode.

Myles’ chest swells and rips his shirt. Myles’ biceps bulge to three times their already-enormous size. Myles grabs one of the steel drums with one arm and throws it at one of the Ravens, who gets knocked back into the water beside the boat.

BAKER

You go get Jackson. I’ll take care of Robo-Modell.

Baker throws a football at Robo-Modell, but it’s high and sails over his head. Baker dives to avoid gunfire, this time behind a pallet of Kevlar bulletproof vest. Baker pulls another football out of his jacket. Baker steps out from behind his cover, his footwork taking him right then left, as he dodges gunfire. He fires a pass that hits one of the Ravens in the head. He falls to the ground unconscious. He throws another pass, that hits an oil barrel behind several Ravens. The barrel explodes in a giant fireball. Four Ravens scream in pain.

Meanwhile, Myles follows Jackson outside. A Raven jumps down from a suspended catwalk wielding a knife. Myles bullrushes him, launching him through the warehouse wall.

JACKSON

I heard you like writing poetry, Myles. How cute!

MYLES

That’s right. Here’s a poem for you:

Roses are red
Violets are blue.

Myles chases Jackson up the gangplank of the ship, juking and swimming over large, 300-pound Ravens.

Your ass is gonna hurt
After I sack you!

Special Agent Kitchens and B.R.O.W.Ns Detective Joel Bitonio enter through the back of the warehouse.

SPECIAL AGENT KITCHENS

How are we doing, Baker?

BAKER

Not great, Freddie. Their defense is tough.

BITONIO

Look! Robo-Modell’s getting away!

Robo Modell wheels toward a helicopter with a rope ladder hanging down. His claw arm reaches up and latches onto the ladder.

BAKER

Not so fast! If I can hit the helicopter, I can force a touchdown. Then we can get Robo-Modell!

SPECIAL AGENT KITCHENS

Aim for the propeller!

Baker throws a football at the helicopter. He hits a Raven pulling up the rope ladder with Robo-Modell. The rope ladder drops down several feet before another Raven starts pulling it up.

ROBO-MODELL

Ahh!

Baker throws another football towards the helicopter, which dodges to the right. Robo-Modell bumps against the roof of the warehouse.

ROBO-MODELL

Ouch! That would hurt if I was not a cold, heartless robot capable of feeling pain!

A Raven shoots a pallet filled with sacks of cocaine suspended by a crane above Baker and the other B.R.O.W.Ns. Several of the sacks fall and land on top of Baker. Baker starts to push the sacks off him, but it’s too late. The helicopter flies away.

ROBO-MODELL

Ha. Ha. Ha. Keep trying, Baker Mayfield. But Cleveland never wins! Even LeBron James only did it once! So long.

The helicopter ascends toward the sky.

BITONIO

Look, Myles is in trouble!

Myles is taking cover around a corner on the ship’s walkways as Lamar Jackson shoots at him.

BAKER

Freddie, we have to do something!

SPECIAL AGENT KITCHENS

OK. How about this: Twins Right, Y Stick Banana, Black 180 Jet 30 Trap Z-Whackbat.

BAKER
(to Bitonio)

Twins Right, Y Stick Banana, Black 180 Jet 30 Trap Z-Whackbat on three.

Kenny Loggins’ “Woke Up Feeling Dangerous” plays again.

BAKER & BITONIO

Break!

BAKER

Ready! Set! Hut hut hike!

Baker follows Bitonio around the edge of his cover. Ravens seemingly materialize out of nowhere. Bitonio throws one of them down an elevator shaft, and the other into a pit of cobras. A third Raven appears, who Bitonio follows into the water. Two more Ravens appear. Baker sidesteps one, and spins away from another. He unleashes a perfect pass. It soars through the air, hitting Lamar Jackson’s hands. He drops his AK-47 down the stairs. Myles sees his chance.

MYLES

Quoth me to the Raven: Nevermore!

Myles spins around the corner, lifts and pushes Jackson off the boat, down into the water.

JACKSON

Agggghhhhh!

Almost immediately, a fleet of speedboats appears in the harbor with mounted machine guns. The boats open fire. One of the boats retrieves Jackson and pours him onboard.

SPECIAL AGENT KITCHENS

Quick! Let’s get out of here!

Baker, Myles, Kitchens, and a soaking-wet Joel Bitonio pile into the RV and drive off.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. BENEATH A BRIDGE IN FLATS ON THE BANKS OF THE CUYAHOGA RIVER – SUNSET

Myles and Baker stand, looking wistfully westward. Baker occasionally throws rocks at a dumpster.

MYLES

We didn’t get the Ravens this time — but Robo-Modell’s days are numbered now, Baker.

BAKER

Maybe.

MYLES

Come on, Baker. Don’t be so down.

BAKER

It’s just—do you think we can win here, in Cleveland? With the B.R.O.W.Ns?

MYLES

I don’t know. But I do know this—if anyone can do it, it’s you.

BAKER

Thanks, my Jurassic Partner.

Myles pats Baker on the shoulder.

MYLES

How you feeling?

BAKER
(smiling mischievously)

Dangerous.

MYLES

That’s my quarterback!

Myles and Baker laugh and laugh and laugh. The sun sets on Cleveland the distance.

FADE OUT:

WOKE UP FEELING DANGEROUS

  1. Readers: Woke Up Feeling Dangerous will be running today instead of the normally scheduled “While We’re Waiting” feature. We appreciate your understanding. []