Joe Gilbert and Jake Burns’ 2018 NFL Draft Big Boards 1.0: 10-1
March 21, 2018Bobby Bradley is Tribe’s World Series Wild Card
March 22, 2018Gloomy days are foreign to Southern California, but, when the grandson of the Marlboro Man requires rain to prove his abilities transpose to the inclement weather territories of those quarterback-needy teams at the top of the 2018 NFL draft, the skills shall oblige. With the beach bum posse of his youth bundled for the wintry conditions as the temperatures dared stay below 60 degrees, Sam Darnold braved the elements in shorts, a long sleeve tee, and a ballcap, donning attire perfectly suited to appease his eastern time zone suitors. The USC Pro Day would showcase his ability to fill those ancient prototype bad-weather quarterback shoes.
When the first spiral flirted with divinity as it graced the rain-filled skies, the legend began to take shape. A contingent of Cleveland Browns personnel looked on with collective hope and adulation, each one doing so in unique fashion.
JIMMY HASLAM – Browns Owner
The khakis, white button-down dress shirt, and ballcap look signaled that he wanted to be dressed appropriately enough to witness heaven on earth in the form of quarterback play while the cap was curved perfectly to pay homage to the man, nay The Legend, slinging pigskins on the gridiron.
At first, he was all alone in the bleachers scribbling onto a yellow legal pad. He could not risk any eavesdroppers glancing over his shoulder. After all, he is the owner of the Cleveland Browns, which means the responsibility of selecting the Browns’ quarterback of the future was his and his alone. If necessary, he would consult the homeless man at the corner of Euclid and East 9th Street who advised him on the Johnny Manziel pick. Pretty hard to butcher two first-round quarterbacks in a row, right?
After watching Darnold’s first angel-tear inducing toss, Jimmy knew a downtown corner consult would not be necessary. His franchise quarterback had fallen into his lap, and it only took 31 losses in two years to get there. So, Michael and Chris Darnold were summoned over and permitted to bask in Haslam’s greatness, which sparked a conversation about which house their son, Sam, should purchase for them in Bratenahl.
TODD HALEY – Browns Offensive Coordinator
The four-hour flight to Southern California was an emotional affair for Todd. Though the hours were supposed to be filled with giddy and glee over the opportunity to cruise on the Haslam’s private jet, they quickly turned ugly when he stumbled across a Ben Roethlisberger highlight video. Whiskey sours couldn’t quite quell the longing, especially as Antonio Brown and Le’Veon Ball darted and dashed across the field. Melancholy was the theme, as he realized the hopelessness and devastation he had signed up for by agreeing to be the offensive coordinator for the Cleveland Browns.
That is until he saw Mr. Sam Darnold strolling onto the field of USC’s Pro Day. Visions of Ben Roethlisberger connecting with Antonio Brown on a crossing route were quickly replaced by fantasies of the Marlboro Man’s grandkid dropping it perfectly in the long strides of Josh Gordon. Worries about the recent retirement of Joe Thomas vanished – who needs an offensive line when your quarterback is Sam Darnold.
HUE JACKSON – Browns Head Coach
Jackson sported a hood pulled up over his eyes a la Darth Sidious. You can’t really blame him, though, because his quarterbacks have been ugly enough to make one go full dark side. DeShone Kizer, Robert Griffin III, and Josh McCown are not exactly the ablest Jedis in the NFL world. Looking for a new hope, Hue set his eyes on the greatness that was occurring in front of him.
The unusual SoCal rain ensured that he would not have to turn to Pep Hamilton dousing balls with water bottles. The minute Hue saw the first pass with a wet ball, he was hooked. Even after the USC receiver tossed it off to the side of the field, Hue had to run over and verify — it was a match made in heaven. Throwing a wet ball. Check. Not DeShone Kizer. Check. When he turned and noticed the Darnold’s and his buddy Haslam chatting, he knew it was a done deal.
It would be one of those things, Hue thought to himself. The kind that you remember where you were 25 years from now. The Space Shuttle Challenger disaster. The OJ Simpson chase. Sam Darnold’s Pro Day.
Fast-forward to April 26, 2018
Roger Goodell greets a chorus of raucous boos from an angry crowd at AT&T Stadium in Arlington, Texas.
“With the 1st pick in the 2018 NFL Draft, the Cleveland Browns select… Josh Rosen.”
Immediately after the pick was in, John Dorsey had shut off the cell phone and removed the battery so he could not be tracked. Jimmy Haslam would go ballistic, undoubtedly ending in Dorsey getting canned. Hue Jackson would lose his cool, then try to coerce Haslam into giving up five picks for AJ McCarron. Todd Haley would revert to sobbing while watching Big Ben highlights, whiskey sour in hand.
You see, John Dorsey doesn’t fall for legends at pro days. He is the legend at pro days.