Know Your Opponent: The Nebraska Cornhuskers

Welcome back to Know Your Opponent, where WFNY digs into all the details on each Buckeyes football opponent during the season, unearthing their mascot, coach, NCAA violations, shameful alumni, and current NFL players. This week – the Cornhuskers of the University of Nebraska-Lincoln!

Check out last season’s KYO for all the dirt on the Cornhusker’s alumni, coach, traditions, and dual mascots, Herbie Husker and Lil’ Red. We begin this week with the Nebraska Football 2017-18 Pump-Up, which is the most motivating title for a preseason hype video I’ve come across in my long journalism career…. The DMX is a nice touch, though.

Also, it looks like the wife of the newest Cleveland Cavalier Dwyane Wade, actress Gabriel Union, is a huge Cornhuskers fan. Here’s hoping Lebron clowns his buddy in a major way on Twitter this weekend after Nebraska loses in another senseless beating.

FBS Stats: Unranked, stats per Sport Illustrated

Points per Game: 126th
Yards per Game: 137th
Points Allowed per Game: 132nd
Yards Allowed per Game: 90th

Record: 3-3, 2nd in B1G West

In week 1 Nebraska played Arkansas State, beating the uhh, Red Cats, 43-36. In week 2 the Huskers played Oregon to within a touchdown, losing 42-35. Week 3 they rebounded to lose by a little less to Northern Illinois, 21-17. Week 4 they faced perennial B1G East powerhouse Rutgers, beating the Scarlet Knights 27-17. In week 5 the Huskers took on Illinois, beating that Lovie Smith-coached car wreck 28-6. Finally, last week Nebraska lost to its only rival in the B1G West, Wisconsin, 38-17. Nebraska is one of my favorite teams to play because they have the pedigree of a legendary program, but the current iteration is absolute dog shit, so it makes for a fun resume-booster for the Buckeyes, which is exactly what we need before we face the VAUNTED Penn State.

Huskers currently in the NFL: 24 Total

Ameer Abdullah, RB, Detroit
Prince Amukamara, RB, Chicago
Zaire Anderson, LB, Denver
Rex Burkhead, RB, New England
Cethan Carter, TE, Cincinnati
Maliek Collins , DT, Dallas
Will Compton, LB, Washington
Jared Crick, DE, Denver
Lavonte David , LB, Tampa Bay
Quincy Enunwa, WR, New York Jets
Randy Gregory, DE, Dallas
Richie Incognito, G, Buffalo
Andy Janovich, FB, Denver
Sam Koch, P, Baltimore
Alex Lewis, G, Baltimore
Spencer Long, C, Washington
Niles Paul, TE, Washington
Brent Qvale, T, New York Jets
Trevor Roach, LB, Cincinnati
Mohammed Seisay, CB, Seattle
Jeremiah Sirles, G, Minnesota
Matt Slauson, C, Los Angeles Chargers
Ndamukong Suh, DT, Miami
Vincent Valentine, DT, New England

Ah yes, Ameer Abdullah; I remember that guy. I’m surprised to see him still on the Lions as I thought they didn’t run the ball anymore. It’s nice to see Rex Burkhead finally make it to his spiritual home in New England, the mecca for all lunch-pail, grind-it-out, blue-collar skill players.

I’m confident Quincy Enunwa, without looking it up, had at least 60 yards against the Browns last week. Vile pieces of shit Richie Incognito and Ndamukong Suh are both Huskers, which is not helping my already very low opinion of the state college system of Nebraska. Denver FB Andy Janovich was a Husker. I could have skipped what position he plays and the reader would be left with deciding between two choices: FB or K, as Polish-Americans do not play any other position. I don’t know anything about Patriots DT Vincent Valentine, except that he sounds like he’s the protagonist in 2/3 of all English language anime.

Noteworthy Players:

Freedom Akinmoladum, DL
Dicaprio Bootle, DB
Caleb Lightbourn, P
Luke McNitt, FB
Devine Ozigbo, RB
De’Mornay Pierson-El
Tanner Lee, QB
Patrick O’brien, QB

Meh, fair-to-middlin’ quarterback names this week, folks. “Tanner” is a pretty good one, but I’d prefer the similar sounding “Gunner” or something else ballistics-themed. One can never be too on the head with a QB name, otherwise fans won’t be absolutely sure what position he plays. “Patrick O’Brien” is OK, but works better as a Notre Dame or other private school quarterback. For Nebraska, I recommend focusing their QB recruiting on kids named Mack, Dingo, Red, Barrel, and the like. So, their next guy is from Texas, is what I’m saying.

Dicaprio Bootle is a name that defies satire, much like the current state of American civic life and our two-party system of government, helmed by an incontinent game show host.

Pulp Culture Soul Mate: “Hollywood” Hulk Hogan

Once the greatest of all time, the standard of its craft, the Everest all competitors strive to climb, but now a desiccated, crippled, pathetic shell of its former self with man boobs – this sentence can be used to describe both Nebraska football and Hulk Hogan at any time in the past 15 years. In the 1990s, Cornhuskers football ruled the gridiron. Their national championships in 1994, 1995, and 1997 were the first three national championships in four seasons by a team since the 1946-1949 Fighting Irish, and this was even greater than Notre Dame’s accomplishments because the Huskers weren’t stacked with narrowbacks with fresh legs from dodging the WWII draft. The 1995 team is considered one of the best college football has ever seen.

Also in the 1990s, Hulk Hogan was at the top of his game. Sure, he was the WWF champion and their main draw beginning with Hulkamania in the 1980s, but his move to WCW in the 1990s, where he reigned as champion for 469 days, was electrifying. His heel turn and formation of the NWO was THE key wrestling moment of the era, laying the groundwork for rival WWF’s “Attitude Era” with wrestlers like Stone Cold Steve Austin and DX. The competition between WCW’s Monday Nitro and the then-WWF’s Monday Night Raw, known as the “Monday Night Wars,” led to some of the most memorable moments of my childhood. Sure, Hogan was physically a shit wrestler at the time, and already had his trademark he-tits and bald chrome-dome, but his character and mic work was near the top. He was the perfect heel. The competition between WCW and the WWF in the 1990s drove both outfits to perform at high levels since then unseen in big-time wrestling, and we fans reaped the benefits.

This makes it all the worse that both the Cornhuskers and Hulk Hogan are now pathetic shadows of their former champion selves. The Huskers never reclaimed their 1990s glory, firing head coach Bo Pellini in 2014 even though he held a 67-27 record at the program. Fun fact: OSU-alum Pellini was then picked up by Youngstown State, where he recently drew some controversy by rostering one of the infamous Steubenville rapists. Our Buckeyes have manhandled the Huskers over the recent years, beating them 62-3 in 2016, and before that 63-28 in 2012. They did beat Tennessee last year in the Music City Bowl, which is nice.

Hulk Hogan bounced around the pro wrestling world after his NWO days, with a few stops back in the WWE, but nothing like his former glory. He was kicked out of the WWE for good in 2015, his merchandise erased from the WWE online shop, his entry deleted from the WWE Hall of Fame page. All our man did was get caught on a sex tape nailing his friend’s wife, ranting post-coitus about his daughter ever dating black men, whom he referred to with the n-word. Apparently, the mere idea of his nicotine-stain colored daughter being with a black man was enough to send him off on a career-killing rant. This was also the tape that got Gawker.com killed when Hogan filed a lawsuit for invasion of privacy after the website posted some of the tape.

As the tape revealed, Hogan was always a real-life heel. He even personally killed a WWF wrestler’s union in the 1980s by ratting out organizer Jesse Ventura to owner Vince McMahon.

I’ll always have a soft spot in my heart for NWO-era Hollywood Hulk Hogan, but would not lose a wink of sleep if he perished tomorrow in a Thunder In Paradise cigarette-boat crash. As for Nebraska, I don’t wish them any ill will, but I’m a huge fan of their current status. We don’t need any more good teams out West; it’s nice to know the B1G championship game is always going to be against Wisconsin, with Iowa thrown in maybe every fourth year.


Here’s how I stand for the year:

Indiana: Predicted 42-24 Buckeyes, Actual 49-21
Oklahoma: Predicted 31-24 Buckeyes, Actual 31-16, Oklahoma
Army: Predicted 49-21 Buckeyes, Actual 38-7
UNLV: Predicted 54-14 Buckeyes, Actual 54-21
Rutgers: Predicted 58-14 Buckeyes, Actual 56-0
Maryland: Predicted 45-14 Buckeyes, Actual 62-14

I only caught the last half of the game last week as I was at a family gathering, and it would appear rude if I ducked out for 1.5 hours to watch the Buckeyes shit on Maryland while neglecting family members I only see once a year. I sacrificed for the greater good this time, and it worked out for the best, as it’s always nice to see the 2nd and 3rd team guys four weeks in a row. Here’s rooting for a fifth!

With that said, this week I predict the Buckeyes beat the Cornhuskers, 52-7. I didn’t do any research on the Huskers players, but by their stats, I think we’ll be ok. Time to notch one more win before we take on Penn State, which I’m looking forward to if only so I don’t have to hear about those dipshits for a good long while. That’s it for this week, Buckeyes fans. Tune is next week for all the KYO action you can handle, and some you can’t!