Browns in London: Don’t Do As I Do

I know why I did it.

I don’t condone it.

Just this past summer, the Indians were in first place, the Cavs still employed Kyrie, and the Browns, bless their hearts, were in no way going to be worse than last season’s 1-15 record. Right?

I clicked “purchase” and for 732.56 British Sterling Pounds — or $956 — I secured my tickets for the Browns-Vikings game in London. At the time, it seemed like a good idea.

Now I’m spending many hours a day convincing myself it was a good idea.

I live in Switzerland and have since the start of 2017. Going to see the Browns play in London is pretty convenient. The flight is only about an hour, and we bought it on points. Those are the pros. The cons: I’m also dragging along my 6-year-old son, 3-year-old daughter, and 36-year-old wife.

OK, kidding aside, I’m grateful she will be there because anyone who has kids and schlepped them to a live event is only left with regret. You want them to pay attention to what is happening on the stage, screen, or field. Instead, they are too busy kicking the seat in front of them and you’re too busy apologizing to that person to watch what is actually happening. Five minutes after getting to that seat they have to go to the bathroom, even though you just asked them if they had to go six minutes ago. Aaaaand they’re fighting over the popcorn. Why didn’t your wife just buy two bags? Now you’re pissed at her and…

STOP KICKING THE CHAIR!

[deep breaths]

No, no, this was a good idea.

When we visited the U.S. last July, I took a trip to Browns stadium to stock up on gear for this game. The daughter got a new a dress. The son received a new hat. No player jerseys were purchased. Fool me once, they say. In 2013, a week-old kid-sized Trent Richardson jersey turned out to work well as a garage rag. Finally, I avoided purchasing a bedazzled Browns shirt for my wife. Side note: why do the clothes the NFL make for women look like they should be worn by off-the-strip Vegas lounge singers?

With bags full of new Browns gear the Delcos were ready for London. Remember, this was the summer and the Browns were 0-0. NOW? Can you even be proud to rep orange and brown in a foreign land? What am I actually proud about? Some titles that were won in the 50s and 60s when the highlights were in black and white? A few good teams of the 80s? A 1994 Wild Card win over the Patriots? A future Hall of Fame left tackle, who won’t even be playing in this game?

Go ahead, I’ll wait as you explain to a British person the concept of a left tackle.
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Well? Are you filled with confusion? Frustration? Regret? Those are the pillars of Cleveland Browns fandom. So what’s left? As Jerry Seinfeld so eloquently put it, “we’re just cheering for laundry.” And I don’t even like the designs of the current laundry.

[deep breaths]

No, no this was a good idea.

Thankfully, the Browns do not have a primetime game this year. The London game is the highlight of their schedule. Fittingly, it’s on at 9:30 IN THE MORNING back home. Meanwhile, the Browns-Vikings tilt isn’t even at the famous Wembley Stadium.

“‘Ello, gov’na. Surely, we can’t sully our honorable pitch with that dreadful American football team from Cleveland? Harrumph!” British people probably said while clutching their pearls. Fun fact: In London, everyone wears pearls.¹

Nope, the Browns and Vikings are playing in Twickenham. Yeah, I never heard of it either.

Turns out it’s 12 miles west of central London. Although that seems close, after talking with people who lived in London, Twickenham isn’t really London and in order to travel between you can choose between bumper-to-bumper traffic or you have to fight masses of humanity on public transportation.

Nothing like a waft of body odor to complement a Browns football game. The two go hand-in-hand.

[deep breaths]

In the end the game’s result doesn’t matter. It’s a foregone conclusion the Browns will lose and continue to lose for the foreseeable future. Instead, I need to focus on the experience — pros and cons — of being able to go to freakin’ London see my beloved Browns (although that feeling is waning in recent years).

That’s why I did it.

I still don’t condone it.

Don Delco is a former sportswriter who now lives in Switzerland. There, he is a stay-at-home dad who is in the constant search of a golf course. Neither are as easy as they sound.

1. This is not even remotely a fact. [↩]