Cavs GM Watch: Day 11

We’re officially on Cavs GM Watch: Day 11.

The synopsis: Cavs owner Dan Gilbert alienated and pushed out general manager David Griffin, who helped the Cavaliers win their only championship, assembled a team that ended the longest title drought in a major professional sports city, was a source of stability for an organization that has had some … irregularities, and at the very worst has the base-level competence to be an NBA general manager.

Meanwhile, Dan Gilbert was last seen hanging out at the White House with President Please Don’t Nuke Anyone and the champion Chicago Cubs who defeated and eliminated in heart-wrenching fashion the baseball team that 90 percent of the Cavalier fan base supports. I’m not even offended that Gilbert was at the White House with the Cubs for no identifiable reason, I’m just offended that he didn’t think it wouldn’t be a bad idea. Doesn’t Dan Gilbert have a publicist or anyone in his life who can say, “Yeah, Dan … but why?”

But, it’s OK. Sure, the Cavaliers don’t have a general manager in the middle of the most consequential time of year to have a general manager. But I’m here to help. I’ve pitched a handful of different GM candidates for Dan Gilbert to consider. Since Gilbert’s only requirement appears to be that they have no actual experience managing a pro basketball team and they can tolerate him personally, they are … unorthodox choices, to say the least. Here they are, with their respective pros and cons.

Choice 1: A toaster oven

Pros: Three different cooking options, including “toast” and “broil.” Possibly the Cavs’ only counter to the toaster that helped the Golden State Warriors win the NBA Finals. Can melt cheese, plastic, and plastic cheese (aka Velveeta). Its timer setting can out-negotiate the Chicago Bulls front office. Removable bottom to facilitate easy cleaning.
Cons: No thumbs. Not even my smartest appliance (second to Microwave). Can be unplugged by Dan Gilbert whenever he wants to ignore it. Has melted cheese stuck to the bottom. Track record of overrating European sandwiches and prospects.

Choice 2: A ham sandwich

Pros: Collaborates well with others, especially if they’re condiments. Thinly sliced. Represents three different food groups. Still has more front office experience than Chauncey Billups. LeBron James ate one of Ham Sandwich’s friends once, and reportedly thought it was “not bad.” Would have got a deal done for Paul George.
Cons: Could be burnt to a crisp by Toaster Oven, so … intuitively seems lower on the food chain than T.O. Possibility of being mistaken as the catered meal in the suite. Not as well-known or talented throughout the NBA as his siblings, BLT and Chicken Salad. No mustard.

Choice 3: This dog with hilariously large glasses

Pros: Great at managing egos. Salary cap whiz. Can comfort players upset by trade rumors with puppy kisses. J.D. from Harvard Law. Plus: Adorbs!
Cons: Responds to criticism by tucking his tail between his legs. Not much of a “dealmaker.” Rumors that former coworkers have embarrassing videos of him sniffing other GM’s butts. Ran the Sacramento Kings from 2011-2015. Sashi Brown, GM of the Cleveland Browns, accused Dog with Hilariously Large Glasses of eating his homework as a classmate at Harvard in 2002. Still pees in the house.

Choice 4: Chauncey Billups
Pros: Has played in the NBA. Can get most players to answer his calls. Solid mid-range jumper. Thumbs. Can probably get the Cavs to the NBA Finals by doing nothing and nodding strategically.
Cons: No front office experience. Possibly not even interested in working in an NBA front office, for the Cavaliers, or for Dan Gilbert. Less potential for comedy than Toaster Oven, Ham Sandwich, or Dog with Hilariously Large Classes.

Choice 5: Texting Ray Farmer

Just kidding.

Choice 6: Literally Anyone

First Choice: Dog with Hilariously Large Glasses. Runner-up: Literally Anyone, Chauncey Billups, Toaster Oven (tie) Last Choice: Ham Sandwich