Less saying the ‘right things,’ more ‘winning football games’
January 22, 2016J.R. Smith cleared in alleged New York choking incident
January 22, 2016Welcome back to another edition of WFNY on WWE. Today, we look ahead to the most consistently fun pay-per-view of the WWE year, the Royal Rumble. We recognize that not everyone pays much attention to wrestling — to quote Jeff Goldblum’s dad from Independence Day, “Nobody’s perfect” — so we have tried to craft a guide that everyone can enjoy.
Derek: Are … you … ready … for the most exciting (and yet often disappointing) pay-per-view of the year?! It’s January, so it’s time for playoff football, windshield scraping, and the Royal Rumble. While the Rumble hasn’t been great recently, it’s one of the longest running events in WWE and remains the best wrestling event of the year for casual or even non-wrestling fans. That’s where we come in.
Date: Sunday, January 24
Time: 8 p.m.
Where: Amway Center, Orlando
Available on: WWE Network (or one-time PPV purchase)
Do You Even Rumble?
Derek: The rules are simple. There are 30 participants, with two starting out in the ring. Every 90 to 120 seconds, a new wrestler enters. Participants are eliminated when they are thrown over the TOP ROPE and BOTH FEET touch the ground. This will no doubt come into play at some point. The last man remaining is the winner.
Will: Those phrases above are written in all caps because many times throughout the evening, they’ll be shouted in all caps. If a wrestler lands on both feet by any means other than going over the top rope, he’s still in the match. If he goes over the top rope but only one foot touches, he’s still in the match. The rules are similar to those regarding NFL catches, but without interminable and indecipherable replay challenges. One could conceivably roll out of the ring, run to the concession stand, hammer down a couple dogs and a beer, grab a power nap, sign some autographs, then come back in the ring, and it would be legal. I don’t think anyone has ever exploited the rules quite that much, but it’s on the table.
Also worth noting: There are matches on the card other than the 30-man main event. If you’re only interested in the Rumble proper, look for that to start around 9 p.m.
The Reason We’re Here
Derek: Before we go too far: you may be wondering how a non-wrestling fan could get into this. The answer, of course, lies in the two great cornerstones of American society: drinking and gambling.1
To gamble on the Royal Rumble, all you need is an agreed-upon buy-in and 30 small pieces of paper. Write numbers one through 30 on the slips of paper, put them in a hat, and have the participants randomly select their slip(s) of paper. If you draw number 14, for instance, then the 14th entrant is your guy. If he wins, you win all of the money. The randomness makes it fair for all parties, so the douchey smark (i.e. a wrasslin’ know-it-all) who spends the whole night talking about how much better New Japan Pro Wrestling is has the same chance of winning as your buddy’s girlfriend who has never seen a wrestling match. You also get a rooting interest in a scripted fight, though in most cases you’ll be cheering for naught. There are probably only three or four guys who will have a legitimate chance of winning. That makes it especially exciting if you draw someone like Brock Lesnar, Triple H, Roman Reigns, or The Rock. But if you don’t know anything about wrestling, then all of the wrestlers are equally exciting. I kind of envy those people.
As for drinking, well, there is no shortage of Royal Rumble drinking games. Several of them will lead to your death if you follow them to the letter. You’ve been warned.
I personally am partial to drinking games involving the terrible announcing. With that in mind, drink every time color commentator John “Bradshaw” Layfield, aka JBL, mentions conspiracies and/or black helicopters, references another sport, or excitedly says Michael Cole’s first name as “MAGGLE.” Drink whenever Michael Cole says “vintage,” “of course,” or uses hyperbole. Finally, finish your drink whenever Cole exclaims “What a moment!!!”
Will: WWE’s commentary team is often and rightly the subject of criticism among wrestling fans. The reasons why should be clear within about five minutes.
Traditions Unlike Any Other
Will: In terms of established customs that bring tears to viewers’ eyes, the Royal Rumble is on par with the Masters, just with fewer azaleas and more spandex. There are tropes that recur every year. Here’s a quick look at some of the go-to moves, and some hopeful predictions as to how they will manifest themselves in 2016.
1. Somebody will get tossed out immediately after entering the ring. The elimination often follows a drawn-out entrance and is a sure way to get an easy laugh. Titus O’Neil, who played football under Steve Spurrier at Florida, took the cake with a four-second appearance last year. The all-time record belongs to Santino Marella, who got dumped inside of two seconds in 2009. My bet for this year is Bo Dallas, an wonderfully obnoxious cheerful pseudo-motivational fellow whose ring gear resembles a diaper.
2. Wrestlers will basically take naps. The Rumble starts out with just two guys, but after a while the ring gets packed with humanity. Everyone can’t be brawling at once and expect it to translate on screen. To get around this issue, a few guys will have a leisurely grapple in each corner; if you look close, often they’re just kinda leaning on each other. Sometimes they’ll apply “rest holds,” a means of doing something wrestle-y while also not doing anything. Others will be knocked out on the mat for literal minutes at a time, only to pop up and re-enter the fray when an opportunity presents itself. (Roman Reigns, last year’s winner, was a major offender.) As a general rule, every move inflicts roughly 500 times as much damage in a Royal Rumble setting.
3. Kofi Kingston will do something cool to stay alive. Remember the whole both feet rule? Kofi has made a name for himself in Rumbles past by spitting in its face. He avoided elimination in 2012 by landing on his hands outside the ring and hand-walking his way to the safety of the ring stairs. He was thrown out of the ring onto the announce table in 2013, only to hop his way back into action via desk chair. In 2014 he was hurled over the corner turnbuckle but kept his feet on the stairs as he landed back-first. Last year he was caught by the Rosebuds, a since-defunct group of aimless partiers, who were nice enough to carry him back into the ring.
My guess this year is that Big E and/or Xavier Woods, Kofi’s teammates in the uber-popular and -charismatic New Day faction, will catch him when he gets expelled. Tragically, Woods’ beloved trombone Francesca will not be present, as she was broken over the knee of Chris Jericho two weeks ago. R.I.P.
4. Speaking of factions, they tend to wield a good bit of influence the Rumble. All three members of the New Day will be in this year’s match, as will all four of the Wyatt Family, a group of very large bearded men. (We’re also likely to see multiple members of the newly formed Social Outcasts, a group of four jobbers who didn’t have much else to do. They’re wonderful.)
The Wyatts are a good bet to make a mark on this year’s match. They ended this past week’s Raw by beating down both Brock Lesnar and WWE Champion Roman Reigns, which is sort of like if the Memphis Grizzlies blew out the Golden State Warriors and San Antonio Spurs in back to back games. Bray Wyatt, the bayou-soaked leader of the bunch, could be one of the last men in the ring.
5. There are always surprise entrants, and it’s always wonderful. They might be stars coming back from injury, as when John Cena made his return from a torn pectoral muscle as the final entrant in 2008 — and won the whole thing. They might be long-gone wrestling legends, like Rowdy Roddy Piper, who also showed up at the ’08 Rumble at the tender age of 53. There have been celebrity entrants, like Drew Carey crashing the party in 2001. (Carey eliminated himself to avoid getting chokeslammed by Kane; there are always a couple bits that exist for nothing but comic relief.) You never know who’s going to appear, and little is better in wrestling than the unpredictable.
Some other enjoyable Rumble staples include about 100 near-eliminations; an eliminated wrestler getting revenge by distracting or eliminating the man who threw him out; allies turning on one another (it is every man for himself); and unlikely alliances being formed. In terms of how much different stuff is going on, it’s better than March Madness.
Participants and Pipe Dreams
Derek: So far, the headlining participants are Roman Reigns, Brock Lesnar, Chris Jericho, all members of The Wyatt Family, Big Show, Sheamus, Dolph Ziggler, and Ryback. Of that group, probably only Reigns and Lesnar have a shot at winning. That’s why there is so much potential for great surprise entrants this year. There are always surprises (last year they were Bubba Ray Dudley, The Boogeyman, and WCW star Diamond Dallas Page) but this year’s rumors involve much bigger fish, like Triple H, The Rock, and The Undertaker.
See, WrestleMania is being held at AT&T Stadium in Dallas this year, and WWE has talked about setting all sort of attendance records. That seems unlikely at the moment due to the injuries to big draws like John Cena, Sting, and Seth Rollins. WWE probably couldn’t put together a good WrestleMania card with their current roster (partially their own fault, but that’s another story) so fans are speculating on who might show up to start a feud that could culminate in a WrestleMania match. Here are some of the names I’ve heard, in order of how likely I think they are to happen.
Triple H (likely)
Trips hasn’t been on television since Roman Reigns attacked him a few weeks ago. I’ll be surprised if he doesn’t make an appearance to try and ruin Roman’s evening.
Undertaker (somewhat likely)
He wrestled at SummerSlam and Survivor Series, and it’s widely believed he will have his final match in Dallas. The injuries could force Taker into a more prominent role in storylines.
The Rock (possible)
The Rock has already announced he’ll be at WrestleMania, but it’s unknown in what capacity. He could be having a match, but he could also just be there for an extended promo like the one he did with Ronda Rousey last year. Rock has been loyal to WWE for years, and I could see him making an appearance if Vince begs.
Daniel Bryan (unlikely)
Bryan has wrestled sparingly in the last two years due to a vague neck injury. The status of his health is anyone’s guess. I had read that Vince didn’t want to give Bryan a prominent spot because Bryan vacated his last two championships shortly after winning them, but the last few months could have Vince changing his tune. Bryan is one of the biggest fan favorites in wrestling.
Goldberg (very unlikely)
Now we’re talking! Goldberg made an appearance at Legends of Wrestling last summer, so it’s possible he could still work a match. He’s 49 years old, but he’s also nearly eight years younger than Sting. It wouldn’t be crazy. Goldberg even sounds like he’s giving it some thought.
CM Punk (extremely unlikely)
Punk left WWE in 2014 on genuinely bad terms and has said that he will never return to wrestling. But I’m not giving up the dream.
The Grand Scheme of Things
Derek: This year’s Rumble is special because the WWE World Heavyweight Champion, Roman Reigns, is defending his title in the match. That is, the Rumble winner becomes champion — usually, the Rumble winner gets a match for the championship at Wrestlemania. Reigns is also entering first due to a fairly dubious order selection process. (Real-life WWE CEO Vince McMahon has been back on-screen as of late as the evil Mr. McMahon character, unsuccessfully doing everything he can to ruin Roman’s life; a rigged draw that put Reigns first was the latest part of the deal. It’s an uninspired remix of the entire McMahon-Stone Cold Steve Austin feud that defined WWE around the turn of the century.)
Because this is scripted, you can pretty much bank on Reigns being involved at the end of the match. He may spend most of it in rest holds or lying in a corner, but he should be one of the final few men remaining along with Brock Lesnar and any of the big time surprise entrants.
In the past, the main event for WrestleMania would pretty much be set after the Royal Rumble. The winner of the Rumble would get an automatic spot in the main event, and the champion would also be determined in a separate match on the same night. For example, Roman Reigns won the Rumble last year, and his WrestleMania match with champion Brock Lesnar was already getting hyped the next night on Raw. The same can’t be said this year, seeing as the championship match and the Rumble match are one and the same. I’m not getting my hopes up, but we may see something we’ve never seen before.
Will: The last time the Rumble was for the title was in 1992, when the top belt was vacant after being stripped from Hulk Hogan. (Not for racist reasons, mind you.) Ric Flair won the ’92 Rumble, which is hailed as one of the greatest ever. This year’s has potential to be great as well. The problem is that there are a handful of predictable outcomes.
One would be Roman Reigns going wire-to-wire to retain his championship. The general feeling among fans is that WWE has becoming entirely too Roman-centric. He won the Rumble last year — and was booed vigorously, even when The Rock, his real-life relative, raised his arm in triumph. He was in the WrestleMania main event last year. He’s the champion now. Reigns isn’t a bad wrestler, he just isn’t all that charismatic. The microphone is like an overripe banana in his hands. Regardless, he has been the focal point of the company for the last year, so it would be a shock if he isn’t among the last few competitors.
Another is Brock Lesnar wrecking the entire field and winning the belt. Lesnar has been booked as the strongest wrestler in the company. He looks the part, and is as physically imposing as anyone you’ll find. He has been on something of a revenge trip lately, and he’s bound to do a lot of damage this year.
Someone we haven’t seen in a while is Triple H, the real-life COO of WWE. A longtime in-ring star, he has moved into an on-screen authority role, mostly acting as a sort of general manager. He hasn’t been on WWE TV in weeks, as he was kayfabe injured by Roman Reigns (which inspired Vince’s return). His character is rooted in mind games and can be quite sadistic, thus many expect him to show up as entrant No. 30 to ruin Roman’s night.
My hopeful prediction for the winner is the aforementioned Bray Wyatt, who is sort of the spiritual successor to the Undertaker. He has a crew of big bad flunkies ready to help him win. He speaks in the abstract about things like power and fear. He has the magical wrestling powers to turn arena lights on and off. And, as previously discussed, he was made to look strong on the last Raw before the Rumble. His stock has yo-yoed before — feuding with the Undertaker himself one week, losing to a relative nobody the next — so there is reason to be skeptical about him winning. WWE has not exactly built a reputation for new, bold thinking lately. If nothing else, Wyatt winning would be a sudden, welcome turn on the road to WrestleMania.
- Gambling is illegal and morally reprehensible. Don’t do it. Try smoking instead. (Ed’s note: Don’t do that, either. The views and opinions expressed herein are not reflective of those of WFNY, and we ain’t legally responsible for anything you do. Have fun out there.) [↩]
5 Comments
Every day is a rumble in Bulgaria.
Surprised you didn’t mention the New Japan signings. It seems possible-to-likely that AJ Styles will be making his debut at the Rumble. Not so sure about Nakamura though as I think his NJPW contract runs through January.
I’m conflicted – last year’s Rumble was so horrendously terrible and this year’s Romanfest has been so depressingly bland that I know I shouldn’t resubscribe to the Network. But then there’s the doubt. The Rumble has a pretty solid track record of surprises. And with the previously mentioned talent acquisitions, do I really want to run the risk of missing out on something epic?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vsYeHqkiTRA
On Cheap Heat they were talking like a Bryan comeback was a reasonable possibility. Not necessarily expecting it, but I thought it was a super longshot. That and/or any New Japan or NXT guys would be so fun.
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I know the year Vince McMahon won, he did go up into the concourse. Austin chased him, he sat ringside and did commentary most of the match, then won at the end