Buckeyes Roundball Roundup: Stomped the Gophers, Held off Illinois
January 4, 2016Justin Gilbert refutes story that he didn’t want to play (Video)
January 4, 2016Welcome ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, to the annual January game show of Guess the next Browns coach.
We apologize the 2015 version was canceled as we had some technical difficulties, but we do hope you enjoyed the Shanahan Slide Show followed by Extreme Offensive Staff Remodel in its place.
Jimmy Haslam’s tenure
- 2013: Fired Mike Holmgren (President), Tom Heckert (GM), and Pat Shurmur (HC) under six months after buying the team.
- 2014: Fired Rob Chudzinksi (HC), Joe Banner (President), Mike Lombardi (GM) one year after making the group his first official regime. And, for the extra surprise twist in our game, Haslam made it more ridiculous by allowing Joe Banner to help hire the next head coach, then firing him.
- 2016: Fired Ray Farmer (GM) and Mike Pettine (HC)
Please give our previous winner Mike Pettine a round of applause as he leaves the studio having been slimed, tarred and feathered upon hitting on 18 Whammies in his last 21 attempts.
Now, we have lined up a whole slew of new coaching candidates to potentially harm their long-term NFL coaching prospects by being hired onto the Cleveland Browns. But, just think, if they turn this team around, then they will be loved and lauded more than any coach in the history of football. Related, there is rumored to be a golden goose living on a cloud only accessible through a magic beanstalk.
Here’s how we play.
Each candidate is given three answers in three separate categories. The conspiracy category is for any thinking of wearing a tin foil hat with all these WiFi signals floating around as the government might be reading our minds. The snark category is for any needing a defense mechanism to get through yet another spin on the carousel ride of being a Browns fan. The rational category is for any fan actually still able to think through who might be a good coaching option despite everything else.
Important to note: All comments in the conspiracy and snark categories are completely unconfirmed and have no specific intimate knowledge other than what is in the public sphere.
Any of the answers might be correct or they might all prove to be completely off-base. It is up to you to decide and post in the comments.
Let’s get started…
Meet the candidates
Adam Gase (37), Chicago Bears, Offensive Co-ordinator
Rational: Gase is a well-respected football mind who was at the top of the SI preseason coaching candidate list. He reportedly held his own with Peyton Manning when he coached him and has done well in all his stops. Jay Cutler improved under Gase, while Peyton Manning had a career-worst year without him. He was offered the 49ers job in 2015, but turned it down when they would not allow him to hire his own coaches.
Conspiracy: Joe Banner was fired in 2014 after the coaching search because he turned off Jimmy Haslam’s first choice in Adam Gase.
Snark: He removed himself from consideration in 2014, but, yeah, he’ll see the 2016 Browns as a better situation. Ha!
Doug Marrone (50), Jacksonville Jaguars, Assistant Head Coach
Rational: Head coach of Buffalo Bills in 2013-2014 who guided the team from 6-10 to 9-7 with Kyle Orton at quarterback, so he knows how to win in a tough situation without the key position solved. He opted-out on his contract as he did not agree with the direction of management, and Marrone has had time in Jacksonville to think, plan, and re-assess.
Conspiracy: Haslam wanted him when he opted out last year, but he couldn’t fire another coach after just one year especially given the relative successful 7-9 campaign of Pettine. Joke if you must, but 7-9 is the best Browns record since 2007.
Snark: Anytime you can hire a quitter who has coached for the Buffalo Bills and Jacksonville Jaguars, you just have to do it.
Teryl Austin (50), Detroit Lions, Defensive Co-ordinator
Rational: Despite having his defense gutted in the offseason, Austin made no excuses and still put together a league average defense. Did well in interviews last year and is the type of personality that could sell concepts to players.
Conspiracy: Rooney Rule interview only.
Snark: Sure, he could give us the defense with the 2015 season signature play of failure (Packer’s Hail Mary).
Chip Kelly (52), Unemployed
Rational: Despite being fired by the Philadelphia Eagles, Kelly had successes too. He took a team coming off a 4-12 season and went 10-6 in each of his first two seasons at the helm. His 6-9 final season was more pinned on his inability as a talent evaluator than as a coach though there are questions about his micro-managing of player’s lives. Kelly is also deeply embedded into the world of analytics and all types of advanced player development techniques, which does match the Haslam’s vision.
Conspiracy: Haslam was going to keep Pettine as coach until the Eagles let go of Kelly, who was always Jimmy’s first choice. Losing out on Kelly seeded the distrust in Joe Banner that eventually got him fired.
Snark: Hey, the last time we took a coach coming off immediately being fired from a green team to our east it worked out so well too, right? (Mangini from Jets)
Josh McDaniels (39), New England Patriots, Offensive Co-ordinator
Rational: Another coach whose personnel picking skills undercut what many think are strong coaching attributes. On his second stint, he might be more willing to give up some of those responsibilities to focus on the coaching side. He will obtain another chance to prove himself as a coach, the question is where.
Conspiracy: McDaniels will utilize the Browns as a platform to boost his stock for a better gig before (again) withdrawing his name from consideration for Cleveland.
Snark: A Belichick disciple who doesn’t want to be in Cleveland? Yeah, sounds great.
Hue Jackson (50), Cincinnati Bengals, Offensive Co-ordinator
Rational: 8-8 with the Oakland Raiders got him unfairly fired. He has been strong everywhere he has ever been and made Andy Dalton a legit top-tier starting NFL quarterback before winning games with A.J. McCarron.
Conspiracy: Haslam likes him for his ability to play the media to his side more than his coaching.
Snark: Uh yeah, he’s seen first-hand twice a year what a mess the Browns are, but he’s going to jump at his last chance at being a head coach here?
Sean McDermott (41), Carolina Panthers, Defensive Co-ordinator
Rational: While Cam Newton is off making a MVP case, McDermott has been solidifying the Panther defense each and every year. Injuries, off field issues, and everything else has happened to Carolina in recent years, but he has held together their defense and consistently seen players develop into stars under his tutelage.
Conspiracy: Haslam will want him, but will be too impatient to wait for him.
Snark: The William & Mary graduate would just play into the smarty pants current ways of Berea.
Tom Cable (51), Seattle Seahawks, Offensive Line Coach
Rational: Another coach fired after an 8-8 season in Oakland, but Cable did break an assistants jaw. His ability to coach and offensive line and produce a fantastic running game is unquestioned in the NFL though. Plus, after a player’s coach who was even keel on the sidelines, having a fiery coach might be the change Haslam is searching out.
Conspiracy: Hiring a coach who is more or less black-balled due to his previous incident is the exact type of hire an owner looking to shoe-horn his analytics-driven staff down a coaches throat would do.
Snark: If he punched a fellow coach in Oakland, then wait till he has to deal with Tony Grossi everyday.
David Shaw (42), Stanford Cardinal, Head Coach
Rational: Runs the most proficient NFL-style team in college football, and is the most obvious candidate outside of Nick Saban. Also, he isn’t leaving Stanford who is poised to be a national championship contender in 2016 with McAffrey.
Conspiracy: Haslam needs blackmail photos to get Shaw here.
Snark: Shaw would rather deal with the fallout of blackmail photos than come here.
Urban Meyer (51), Ohio State Buckeyes, Head Coach
Rational: Started in a small school in Ohio before moving up the ranks and coaching Ohio State. Moving to the Cleveland Browns would only complete the Paul Brownesque legacy of Meyer.
Conspiracy: Meyer already was contacted by “a NFL team” (obviously Browns) and laughed off leaving the Buckeyes.
Snark: From three potential Heisman candidate quarterbacks to having Heisman busts at quarterback. What could be a more suiting transition?
Darrell Bevell (45), Seattle Seahawks, Offensive Co-ordinator
Rational: A strong consideration in our last coaching go-around, Bevell has continued to help Russell Wilson evolve into a premier passer. Yet, guys like Cable continue to get the respect for the Seahawks offense. Also, Haslam might have to wait some time in order to hire Bevell if he wants him as Seattle is the two-time defending NFC champion.
Conspiracy: Another young coach who might be limited in options, so Haslam can force his vision onto him.
Snark: Seattle is known for their offense, right?
Pat Shurmur (50), Philadelphia Eagles, Offensive Co-ordinator
Rational: Shurmur led the Eagles to some highly prolific offenses under the direction of Chip Kelly. Some Browns fans might remember he was once the head coach of the Cleveland Browns and was the first coach fired by Jimmy Haslam, so there is little chance of a reunion here.
Conspiracy: Haslam hires Shurmur and forces him to run the Air Coryell offense just to thumb his nose at Holmgren.
Snark: Pat Shurmur will drive up season ticket sales for sure!!!
Vance Joseph (42), Cincinnati Bengals, Defensive Backs Coach
Rational: An under-the-radar coach who has consistently proven himself with an outstanding Bengals secondary despite several injuries over the years. He is the type of young head coach who might be more open to agreeing upon the collaborative team-building approach Haslam is attempting to build.
Conspiracy: The only reason he isn’t a defensive co-ordinator or head coach somewhere are Cincinnati’s blocking of interviews.
Snark: It’ll feel great to be turned down by an unknown DB coach from a division rival.
Chuck Pagano (55), Indianapolis Colts, Head Coach
Rational: Well, he would have to be fired by the Indianapolis Colts first. But, if he is fired, then he is the coach who successfully oversaw the grooming of Andrew Luck from prodigy college star to NFL star quarterback. With the Browns looking at drafting their own college star quarterback in the upcoming NFL Draft, he makes some sense.
Conspiracy: Haslam sees the only truly successful stint of the post-1999 Browns linked to Butch Davis and attempts to bring on board an ex-Davis lieutenant to rekindle those flames.
Snark: Anytime you can hire a coach who just got fired for failing with a quarterback like Andrew Luck, you just have to do it, right?
Kevin Kelley, Pulaski Academy football, Head Coach
Rational: Highly analytical head coach who was diving into that side of football and testing out theories before many in the levels above him would have even thought about it.
Conspiracy: Haslam and his army would have complete control if giving such a coach the jump to the NFL.
Snark: A high school coach for a team that plays at the level of a high school team. Amirite?
Sean Payton (52), New Orleans Saints, Head Coach
Rational: There are reports he wants out of New Orleans, he is a Superbowl winning coach, and he is one of the best offensive minds in the NFL.
Conspiracy: After seeing the effects a Hurricane Katrina-stricken area had with a good football team, Payton has become addicted to the lavish praise and seeks out the only football team in similarly desperate straits.
Snark: You want us to believe a coach with Drew Brees living in New Orleans is going to give all of it up to come to Cleveland to be part of a collaborative effort with an unknown at quarterback and a complete rebuild underway? Yeah, OK!
Here’s how you win.
Well, it is the Cleveland Browns who have only had two seasons with winning records (none since 2007) and one season in the playoffs, which they promptly lost. So, just like the real team, there are no winners in this game. Everyone gets to keep watching the Browns and cling to the unrealistic hope that things will be better this time around.
Thanks for playing and cannot wait until new names not on this list pop up during the interviews of at least 40 people over the next three agonizing months. Hey, they gotta fill time-slots, right?
Besides, I hear Bill Cowher kicked his tenants out in Strongsville so he could move in and Jim Tressel was out house shopping in Lakewood this past weekend to come on as the special teams coach. Gonna be a ratings bonanza!
99 Comments
This entry could be placed on any team. Impressive.
http://cdn.makeagif.com/media/8-20-2015/-n6EFV.gif
Also, fun fact: Just learned that when texting, Adam Gase autocorrects to gaseous. That should be factored into our decision making here.
Great question I don’t know until last night I never heard her name used in conjunction with the Browns other then Jimmy’s wife.
But they’ve never used a #2 pick on a QB ever!
Better form a competition committee.
One could argue we haven’t used any picks on Actual QBs…
Same here… Makes me wonder….
Clever work, Bode. You would do well to apply this 3-way filter to other Cleveland sports topics – it basically presages what will happen in any given comments section
When I mentioned her last night I got accused of basically being sexist so I let it go. I was inferring the same thing it appears you noticed.
hi MG … real good read. though gase , mcdaniel & bevell have some intrigue , i’m thinking about experience : payton would be the sexy pick , but i doubt he’d have the patience … so that leaves marrone , h.jackson & c.kelly. marrone is a quitter & c.kelly may be mad … so , hue jackson is the winner … or may be the only one who will take the job.
Yeah, it’s not even about sexism. I mean, if Jimmy started mentioning his son’s name (if he even has a son) in conjunction with football decisions, I’d raise an eye brow too. Maybe it’s one of those “engender sympathy” things, like fans will be more understanding cause he has a loving wife. idk….
Maybe they’ll go the ol’ Two Quarterback/Head Coach route?
Manning/McCown or something?
Dee has always been mentioned by Jimmy. She is even on the NFL conduct committee:
http://profootballtalk.nbcsports.com/2014/12/10/nfl-adds-two-female-voices-to-new-conduct-committee/
And she is the one who nixed Hard Knocks:
http://espn.go.com/blog/cleveland-browns/post/_/id/13840/report-browns-wont-be-on-hard-knocks-team-concerned-about-johnny-manziel
When Haslam said “Dee” would be assisting on the committee I was like who the heck is Dee? Then I watched the replay and saw him look down as he said it and that’s when I figured it was his wife. Makes no sense to me but like I said to the person who implied I was being sexist maybe she knows more about football then he does. Lets hope huh?
Bode, you have time on your hands… maybe trace back the release of Vickers as the point of where it all went wrong?
Interesting…. good to know.
Alec is gonna show her the ropes on game tape breakdown.
So she does know more about football after all. Can she become the final decision maker then ‘cuz her husband horrifies me?
If she knows enough to not take advice from a hobo then she’s already ahead of Jimmy.
He has a lobotomy scheduled for 5 PM ET!
We were 28-52 when Vickers was on the team. Since then, we’re 23-57.
Logically, that means Vickers is worth one win a season.
Team Rational (never a doubt there).
This is Team Snark worthy seriously we need to trade for you!
I love this comment so much I want to marry it and raise a family of comments with it!
I literally lol’d. Thank you for calculating Vickers’ value on the grimmest of Browns days.
I’m just happy that I could put my sports analytics degree from Pro Football Focus University to such good use.
sorry , i left out pagano on the “experienced” choices …
Techincally, Kevin Kelley has more head coaching experience than Mike Pettine had when Pettine was hired, so it’s not that big of a stretch.
And Pettine was a glorified high-school head coach while Kelley is actually a bona-fide head coach.
He’s a University School grad – what did you expect?
The real cover-up here is that the coaching job has already been given to Tom Coughlin.
Almost so conspiratorial that it lands in snark, but…Team Conspiracy it is.
Bode you need to change your icon to the Harry Potter sorting hat.
http://geekgirlcon.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/tumblr_lo74ldL68x1ql0adio1_500.gif
In an effort to drive the analytics focus the Browns will hire IBM computer DeepBlue as head coach. They made a run at Watson but it’s operating system was too smart and knew better than to take the job.
Team Conspiracy !!
subtle Team Conspiracy worthy comment here. well played.
Current Team Rosters
Anomander – Free Agent
Team Rational
nj0
Pat Leonard
Bryan
tigersbrowns2
Team Conspiracy
Hopwin
Garry_Owen
chrisdottcomm
saggy
Brews and Bones
Team Snark
CB Everett
The_Real_Shamrock
Sam Gold
RGB
and we just let him slip through our fingers. damn.
I’d vote for the likeliest result being that none of the candidates you mentioned (yes, even Kevin Kelley) want to touch this team with a 15-foot pole, and thus John DiFillipo is forced to take the helm.
He’s fired next year.
(Yes, I think that puts me on Team Snark)
so it was written, so it shall be done.
Sean Payton certainly intrigues me. The Saints and Drew Brees aren’t exactly at the peak of their powers at this point, and a seasoned coach like Payton could find the personnel power the announced structure in Berea appears to give the HC to be worth the otherwise unappealing opportunity. And if the Saints are indeed looking for a second rounder as compensation, that gives Haslam the opportunity to offer a huge sign of commitment to getting it right to a fan base that is currently skeptical of his competency as an owner at best. I’m fairly certain talk of defection by guys like Mack and Thomas could be silenced rather quickly by this move. All of that said, I just think Payton will have too many better options available.
Hue Jackson is another appealing candidate, but is also a guy I think will have more (and ultimately better) options available to him. If Haslam and Co. can be patient, I think Sean McDermott is worth the wait. He’s got buzz, but won’t have the same variety of opportunities as Payton and Jackson ultimately will. The downside is that we could wait that long only to have him decide to stay in a good situation in Charlotte for another season, where he might be able to set himself up as next year’s Hue Jackson. And the beating this team would take in the media and with fans if they waited and missed would be something awful, so I don’t think we go this route.
My fear is that this is all shaping up for Chip Kelly, a guy I believe, like Nick Saban before him, is simply not cut out to coach at the pro level. Both Kelly and Saban run demanding programs and want near-absolute control over their charges, something that can’t help but rub grown men being paid large sums of money the wrong way. Kelly will likely get one more chance to show that isn’t the case, but let that happen somewhere other than Cleveland.
And, we can now have a 5×5 basketball tournament as Team Rational adds a member.
https://bottlegatedotcom.files.wordpress.com/2014/12/drew.jpg
Team Snark lets roll!!!
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Team Snark signs this guy as a free agent:
http://www.lebrontalk.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2007/05/wise_lebron_commercial.jpg
Do you even remember this column was the first time that you suggested the team trade Joe Thomas?
That’s funny. Are you sure it was the first time? Because I’ve had the thought a long longer than that!
It’s funnier if this was the origin, so I’m going with YES.