LeBron James takes mid-game selfie, is for the children
October 8, 2015LeBron James invites 13-year-old fan to join him on the bench, is too darn charming
October 8, 2015THURSDAY, Y’ALL. And what a week it’s been. We said “Goodbye” to the Tribe, “Bye Felicia” to the Browns, and, thankfully, “Welcome back” to our men in wine and gold.
With so much going on this time of year, have you guys noticed that marathons are totally having a moment right now? Seriously, it seems like everyone I’ve ever met is spending their weekends tackling 5Ks, destroying halves and fulls, and just absolutely killing it. My Instagram feed of late is just as many marathon medals and bib numbers as it is Pumpkin Spice Lattes — and that’s saying a lot.
It’s a really unfortunate trend for a lazy jerk like me, but I digress. Because I recently completed a marathon of my own… meaning I watched my way through the entirety of Seinfeld on Hulu. (Not in one sitting, you guys. I’m not Superwoman.) Anyways, as I watched all 180 episodes, the spectacularly mediocre life of George Costanza started to remind me of the spectacularly mediocre showing we’ve seen so far from the Browns this season.
That got me thinking: What could a team that is always finding new and interesting ways to fail learn from a man who perpetually does the same? I actually think quite a bit.
Do The Exact Opposite.
After a lifetime of weak showings and epic failures (hi, Cleveland), George decides in one episode that every instinct and gut feeling he’s ever followed MUST be wrong, plain and simple. And if that’s true, Jerry Seinfeld hypothesizes, the exact opposite of George’s natural instincts would have to be right, right? So, he tries it — and it works. Really well. He lands a babe of a girlfriend, a job with the New York Yankees, and a killer apartment — all because he did the exact opposite of what his instincts told him to do.
Coach Pet, can we maybe just try this approach to play-calling sometime? Maybe not every single play, but maybe here and there? Just a little? If practically every single thing we’re trying isn’t working, maybe it’s time to give the exact opposite a whirl. The next time your instincts (or offensive coordinator) are telling you to throw a screen pass on 3rd-and-2, maybe try handing off the ball instead. Or, if your gut feeling is to go for it on 4th-and-long… maybe don’t? Punt that sucker away.
“The Opposite,” Season 5, Episode 21
Do Find Serenity. Now.
In one episode, under advice from his father, Frank, George tries to find inner peace in stressful situations by repeating the phrase “Serenity now” to himself, instead of acting on his emotions. Frustrated? Serenity now. Angry? Serenity now. Annoyed? Serenity now.
These are all feelings we Browns fans know rather well, right? Now, think back to this absolute gem from September, in which Will Gibson encouraged Browns fans to “embrace the absurdity” of the Browns:
The question, then, is how to watch the Browns. The answer is that you have to embrace the absurdity. Bathe in the madness. Watch them as though they’re performance artists. Performance art is loosely defined, but the basic gist is that the artists do something novel to elicit a reaction. Whether your preferred expression thereof is closer to ballet or pro wrestling, you can surely find something at least interesting in the Browns. Looking for things like skill and execution, in the traditional football senses of those words, is guaranteed to leave you wanting. You’re better off reveling in the chaos and getting a few laughs out of it.
This central idea is basically Cleveland’s own personal “Serenity now,” am I right? The takeaway here is the same for the team and its fans: The next time the Browns have you ready to rip your own hair out, don’t let your emotions get the best of you. Keep calm and repeat your mantra. Stupid penalty? Embrace the absurdity. Defense can’t stop a run? Embrace the absurdity. McCown sacked again? Embrace. The. Absurdity.
(Just don’t bottle it up so much that you smash a bunch of computers, you guys. And don’t give away your Waterpiks.)
“The Serenity Now,” Season 9, Episode 3
Don’t Air Your Grievances.
In what is arguably my favorite all-time episode, Frank Costanza invents his own holiday, “Festivus,” to combat the commercialism of Christmas. There are feats of strength, there’s an aluminum pole and, for some reason, there’s an airing of grievances between family members. It doesn’t go well.
Browns, I’m not saying you guys have an issue with this… unless maybe you do. First there was the whole “did they or didn’t they?” TMZ drama on our never-ending “quarterback situation.” And now, we have Coach Pettine kind of calling out cornerback Joe Haden for choosing to not play on Sunday, and then kind of saying he didn’t mean it that way?
Either way, let’s stop airing these grievances so publicly, shall we? Support one another, talk about things behind closed doors, and maybe challenge each other to your own feats of strength to settle differences instead. Coach Pet and Joe Haden, y’all are up first: Arm wrestling match. Go! And, for the love, quit talking to TMZ. BYE.
“The Strike,” Season 9, Episode 10
Don’t Double Dip.
George loving food is a recurring theme through the series (the same could be said for me and my life), and in one episode, he gets call out hard for re-dipping a chip that he’d already taken a bite of. Apparently some people think that’s gross. But, like the puffy shirt and “man hands,” the double dip is one of those things that Seinfeld totally made a thing.
The takeaway for the Browns is a little more of a metaphor here, but the idea it is really very simple: Let’s cut down on all the stupid ways we’re giving our opponents so many second chances. The drops. The fumbles. My God, the penalties. At this point, I don’t think I even need to mention Sunday’s heartbreaking loss. You guys know it. I know it. Tramon Williams certainly knows it. But, come on. How many games have we given away because we’ve given our opponents an unnecessary second chance? I don’t have the heart to count, so let’s just say it’s probably a lot.
“The Implant,” Season 4, Episode 19
This Sunday, we’ve got the Newman of the AFC North, the Baltimore Ravens, waiting for us on their home turf. My instincts are telling me it’s not going to go well, but maybe that’s a good sign?
We’ll see, Cleveland. Happy Thursday.
22 Comments
I was actually thinking about the Seinfeld episode where George does the opposite of his instincts regarding the Browns, too. Mike Pettine and John DeFilippo are of the “run first to set up the pass” school, but what they are really successful at so far this season is the “pass first to set up the run”. On the defensive side of the ball, the Browns are 32nd in yards allowed. I don’t exactly know what the “opposite” would be, but they should do that… couldn’t be worse than being 32nd.
I’ve been thinking the same thing about the Browns this season. But that they are doing the opposite of what any successful team would do. Who else would bench a QB after a win? sign a 3rd string QB to an extension? Signing a FA for $13 million and not playing them?
Kyle Shanahan is nodding in agreement at the airing of grievances. He came prepared to Festivus loaded with a powerpoint on a thumb drive.
They should be 1st! That would be nice.
Love it. Had a visual of Alec Scheiner as Lloyd Braun ringing the bell and smiling away at an approving Jimmy Haslam….while Ray grinds his teeth in Costanza like frustration at his poor perfromance. But just remember what the episode taught us: serenity now…insanity later!
For some reason, football talent experiences shrinkage when it gets here, and yada yada yada we’re drafting in the top 10 again.
But seemingly never the #1 overall pick where the prospects are real and spectacular.
there will be other QB’s benched after some wins … weeden , hasselbeck & vick.
Seinfeld ended in 1998. People born in 1998 are now 17-years-old. Seinfeld is to them like All in the Family was to me.
Given Farmer’s record in the first round, it wouldn’t matter if we were #1.
And just like Seinfeld is a show about nothing, all of the supposed controversies with the Browns are likewise about nothing.
I feel like I am waiting in the Chinese Restaurant each season. I’m afraid to leave because once I do, they’ll call my name / start winning.
And even if you hand them money, they’ll just take it without giving you a [edit] meal.
Sorry to change the subject, but the Steven A. attempt to go HAM on Durant gets more ridiculous and funny every time I see it.
“I’m looking right into the camera…” Bwahahahahaha!
Last winter, while fully engrossed in something on my phone, I jumped on the elevator at work and forgot to press a button. Instead of traveling directly to the parking level, per my usual routine, the elevator whisked me to the 10th floor. When the door opened, I saw that the tenants had decorated their public area with various holiday decorations… including a solitary aluminum pole. Made my holiday season.
While I enjoyed these comparison’s to George Costanza, I would have to say that the Browns fit even more comfortably in the mold of Larry David’s character (co-creator of Seinfeld) in Curb Your Enthusiasm.
For those not familiar with the show; Larry essentially takes his own personality and dials it up to eleven.
To take directly from the Wiki Page his character is defined as: “neurotic, but generally disposed to pursue what he perceives to be the right course, Larry often finds himself in awkward situations that arise as a result of his obstinate belief in his own ethical principles and codes of conduct, which he is nevertheless prepared to bend when it suits him”
Replace the word “Larry” in there with “Browns” and VOILA!
http://www.reactiongifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/bye.gif
http://ak-hdl.buzzfed.com/static/enhanced/web05/2012/7/31/12/enhanced-buzz-19056-1343753007-9.jpg
Not sure McCown is on the same level as Romo and Luck…
he’s not … but should any of the other starters lose their job due to injury ? i wanna see manziel too , but mccown is playing well.
Is that Mulva?
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