The Casual Fan’s Guide to Hating the Golden State Warriors

Carlos Avila Gonzalez/San Francisco Chronicle

We’ve got ourselves a series. The Cleveland Cavaliers were able to triumph in Game 2, meaning that, despite all of the injuries, the Wine and Gold have claimed home court advantage and have nothing but a pesky west coast team standing between them and a championship. So I’m here once again to help you understand why, if you don’t already, you should hate the Golden State Warriors.

Let’s start with the name. I’m sure a lot of you were surprised like I was to learn that Golden State was not a college team. I thought there was a sweepstakes contest that allowed one college to enter the NBA this year. It turns out that is not the case. The founders of the team were ashamed to be from Oakland, I guess. The Athletics aren’t ashamed. What is your problem Golden State? Don’t want to alienate the Silicon Valley types?

Now we shall move on to team branding? Your logo is architecture. That’s all you’ve got? A bridge? We have got a bunch of those in Cleveland, but we didn’t feel the need to include them in our team branding.

Onto the coaches and players themselves. I’ve been told that Steve Kerr, Steph Curry and the rest of the Warriors are classy, nice guys. I also am choosing to ignore that, because this is the NBA Finals. For all I’m concerned, Steve Kerr regularly tries to take too many items through the express checkout at the grocery store, and Steph Curry has like 20 unpaid parking tickets. But enough generalizing, lets get specific shall we?

  • Steve Kerr – For most of the first quarter of game one I thought Neil Patrick Harris had court-side seats and wouldn’t sit down. Then later someone told me that was Steve Kerr, the coach of the Warriors. I find it to be a HUGE conflict of interest that a broadcaster be allowed to coach a team. Can’t he just listen to those “Mic’d up” videos to steal strategies? Time for some changes Adam Silver
  • Steph Curry – Reigning MVP Steph Curry seems to be a pretty good player. He dribbles well, he passes well, and can shoot lights out. If this isn’t reason enough to hate him, also consider that in traffic jams, Steph drives down the closed lane until right before the merge and then expects you to let him in, and then never waves.
  • Klay Thompson – Sharpshooter Klay Thompson has been giving the broadcasters fits. Every time Tristan Thompson gets a rebound, which is like ALL the time, they have to say the full name “Tristan Thompson” because there is another Thompson around. This has to get tiring. Also he looks like Cory Matthews from Boy Meets World.

  • Andrew Bogut – Is it just me or did a guy who works at a JiffyLube sneak onto out of the pit and onto the court?
  • Marreese Speights – This guy never met a shot he didn’t like or eventually take. And according to inside sources, takes both arm-rests in movie theatres.
  • Shaun Livingston – He ripped the hearts out of Cleveland fans when he left as a free agent, meaning Austin Carr could no longer say “Shaun Livingston, I presume.”
  • David Lee – My favorite thing about David Lee is that we haven’t seen him play a minute of basketball in this series, yet he is the highest paid player on the team.
  • Draymond Green – The main feature of Green’s game seems to be stomping around and yelling. He gets a few boards, and throws up a put-back or two, but none of this trumps the fact that when he is at an airport waiting to board he tries to board even though his zone hasn’t been called. And at the baggage claim he sees you standing a reasonable distance from the conveyor and walks up and stands right in front of you, effectively boxing you out from your bag, even though his isn’t even on the conveyor yet.

So the Cavs are in this series as it comes back to Cleveland. LeBron, Delly and the rest of the crew have given us hope that they can take down the Warriors, which is important because they are so easy to hate.

  • Special Thanks to Daniel Holmes (@crapula) for contributing to this report.