Cleveland Browns Week 5 Winners and Losers
October 6, 2014Check out the Cavs preseason player intro video
October 6, 2014Few things are easier to hate in this world than the NFL bye week. Yes, it helps players recover and heal and blah blah blah. But we don’t get to watch our team play football, and that’s as evil as the world gets.
But there is good to be found in bye weeks. It allows us time to step back and reflect. It allows us to dig deep and find out more about our favorite players. And for me, this past bye week was defined by Cleveland Browns running back Isaiah Crowell and his hype video.
In just a couple short months, we have come to know the broad strokes of Isaiah Crowell’s story: He ran for over 4,800 yards in high school and he was a top national recruit. He attended the University of Georgia, and his announcement was aired on ESPNU and featured Crowell cradling a bulldog puppy in a UGA shirt. He won SEC Freshman of the Year honors on the strength of 850 rushing yards and five touchdowns.
Problems came with his success at Georgia. He was benched for a quarter against Vanderbilt for discipline issues and missed a game against New Mexico State after reportedly failing a drug test. He was arrested on firearms charges in 2012 after police found a gun in the car he was driving on the UGA campus. The charges were later dismissed, but Georgia dismissed Crowell as well.
He transferred to Alabama State in July 2012. He played well in his two seasons as a Hornet, running for 1,964 yards and 30 touchdowns on 329 carries. He still had the pedigree of a blue chip running back, but the dreaded “off-field issues” tarnished his stock so much that his name was not one of the 256 called on draft day.
Crowell signed with the Browns thanks in large part to GM Ray Farmer and his relationship with Crowell’s coach at Alabama State, Reggie Barlow. Crowell joined a crowded Browns backfield, but distinguished himself in the preseason and earned a spot on the roster. He has impressed coaches and fans alike, and he has emerged as the Browns’ possible starting running back for this week’s game. He even inked a deal with Under Armour.
It’s all coming up Crowses for Isaiah right now. But there is still a lot we don’t know about him. What more is there to learn, and how can we do it? To get a firmer understanding of this young man, we go to the tape: “his” hype video. If you’ve not already seen this brilliant (and completely NSFW) 155 seconds of the Internet, I strongly recommend that you take a break to watch it now:
This is the lens through which we will seek to understand Browns running back Isaiah Crowell. I can’t emphasize enough that this video is not in any way sanctioned by or affiliated with Crowell himself, unless “FakeIsaiahCrow1” sounds like a legit screen name (Find more on FakeIsaiahCrow1 here).
0:00-0:10
The video starts with silhouettes of crows crowing. Still photos of Crowell are peppered in with captions like “Tha Crow is Coming,” “You B— Been Warned,” and “Time 2 Get #socrow.” If you fancy yourself a mild-mannered soul or a traditional practitioner of the English language, get out now—this may not be the video for you.
0:11-0:32
We see our first shots of Crowell in action. We see him turn the corner and deliver a shot to defenders as the Georgia sideline goes nuts. There’s a lot of slow-mo, in the proud tradition of well-produced YouTube videos. These highlights are supplemented with phrases like “Take A Ride In Tha Slam Sedan…B—!!!” and “#crowkno U A B—.” Crowell caps off the last run of the sequence by talking smack in the defender’s face. This is just a young man who plays good, old-fashioned, hardhat football. Blue collar, even.
0:33-0:34
The crow silhouettes—which audibly crow throughout the video—are back. Per Shazam, the song in the video is actually “What About Me,” the theme music for professional wrestler Raven, so the birds are probably ravens also. I’m willing to overlook that avian oversight if you are.
The music could actually be a commentary for Crowell’s attitude and playing style on the field. Raven was one of the premier proponents of hardcore matches in the late ‘90s and early ‘00s, in which virtually everything was legal, including hitting people with or through chairs, tables, prosthetic legs, mannequin heads, and just about anything else one could carry. I’m waiting for the NFL to adopt these rules to spice up boring late season games. When you see Geno Smith wearing Road Warrior-style studded shoulder pads in Week 17 against the Dolphins, remember where you heard it first.
You might worry that this music selection means Crowell is a penalty-prone player, but he has yet to commit even one infraction through three weeks, so maybe the fact that a video about him features a hardcore wrestler’s music doesn’t tell us anything after all. Fancy that.
0:35-0:36
The next shot of Crowell is captioned “F— U Pay Me.” This shows that Crow is a businessman as much as a ballplayer. He got the Under Armour deal, didn’t he? It just isn’t practical to think that an athlete doesn’t know what he’s worth these days. We may want them to focus all of their energies on the game, but the natural evolution of sports and business has made athletes into moguls, and #crowkno that.
0:37-0:48
Crowell proceeds to run straight through the Coastal Carolina Chanticleers (SHON-ti-clears) for a 27-yard touchdown. As he crosses the goal line, the text implores us to “Throw Dem Pizza Lunchables On Tha Field.” A deep Google dive didn’t reveal the origin or significance of the pizza Lunchables thing, but one imagines that it’s an offshoot of Marshawn Lynch’s affinity for Skittles. I’m all in on that, as Lunchables are awesome. We should all make every effort to sneak pizza Lunchables into FirstEnergy Stadium.
0:49-0:51
A shot of the crowd with the caption “#crowhoes.” I suppose that means we’re all #crowhoes now? I’m okay with that if you guys are. Cool? Cool.
0:52-1:03
Crowell slices through the Florida Gator defense for a big gain. After he’s picked up seven yards, the phrase “Jorts #sonotcrow” appears on screen. Google “Isaiah Crowell jorts” and you will not find a single image of him wearing short denim pants. Crow stays abreast of fashion trends, and he does his best to make sure that we do the same.
We need to get this man on the cover of GQ ASAP. If Blake Griffin can do it, why not Crow? If one of your loved ones has the gall to even float the idea of wearing jorts, just give him or her a sidelong glance and mutter “#sonotcrow,” and make sure they can hear the hashtaggery in your voice. Of course, we’re all going to look silly when Crow decides it’s time and he brings jorts back.
1:04-1:12
Crowell picks up a first down against LSU. Tyrann Mathieu brings him down, but his tackle is a pedestrian, non-hit-sticky effort. To punctuate this point, the text reads “Tha Honey Baguh Is Such A B—.” Mathieu and the Cardinals secondary are surely grateful that they don’t have to face the Browns this year, as #CrowVsHoneyBaguh would surely be the top Twitter trend of the week. Whenever the NFL scheduling rotation spits out a regular season Browns-Cardinals matchup, Mathieu should just follow Andy Garcia’s advice to Brad Pitt at the end of Ocean’s Eleven:
1:13-1:26
Crowell cuts away from the South Carolina defense and gets to the corner for a 15-yard touchdown run. The video slows down so that we can savor the final five yards of Crow’s dominance. As he crosses the goal line (in slow-mo, natch), a question is posed to the Gamecock defense: “Hows Crows S— Taste?” It’s unclear if this is a rhetorical question or not. One would assume that human feces is somewhere near beets on the deliciousness scale, but we don’t know the limits of Crow’s talents.
This slice of the video shows that like a good academic, Crow builds upon the work of his predecessors. Shaq brought the notion of how one’s ass tastes to another into vogue, and Crow expanded upon that to question how the stuff that comes out of one’s ass tastes. Given a time machine, it’s safe to say that Crow would get along well with his historical peers like da Vinci and Darwin.
1:27-1:32
A wide shot of “#crowhoe Nation.” It isn’t hard to imagine famous Browns supporters like Big Dawg, Bone Lady, or Drunk Johnny Guy fitting in with this crowd. We need to draft up some paperwork so that we can all become official members of #crowhoe Nation with passports and everything. Maybe Sweden will recognize us.
1:33-1:42
Crow leaps over a defender en route to a 17-yard gain. As he clears that poor defensive lineman, the video requests that we “Let Crow Show Ya How Dem Big D— Swang.”
Well, then. I’m not about to be the one to step in and argue with that.
1:43-1:57
“Can Crow fly? M—F— yeah!!!”
I love this part so much, mostly because Crowell doesn’t get more than a foot off the ground on his dive to the pylon. He is redefining flight as we know it, and we would be wise to replace all mentions of the Wright Brothers as fathers of flight with Crow.
1:58-2:16
“Crow Luvs Playing Between Tha Hedges,” as evidenced by his long TD run. If you don’t worship at the altar of SEC footbawl, “Tha Hedges” refer to the hedges lining the field at Georgia’s Sanford Stadium.
The Browns have already poured a lot of resources into the renovations at FirstEnergy Stadium, but I haven’t seen any hedges on the field yet. If Crow wants hedges, then we need to plant hedges. I trust this will be taken care of before the next home game against the Pittsburgh Steelers.
Later in the run, we’re told that Crowell loves playing between tha hedges “Both On & Off Tha Field :).” I have exactly no idea what that means, but the safe assumption is that it’s something related to smoking weed, which is all part of the “#socrow” lifestyle. We should not let Crow and Josh Gordon spend an unsupervised minute together.
2:17-2:27
There is a reasonable chance that Crowell is so good that the forward pass no longer needs to exist. I mean, “Do We Even Need 2 Throw It Dis Year?” All due respect to Mr. Hero spokesman Brian Hoyer, but his services on the field may not be required anymore. Focus on Romanburgers, Brian, because Crow’s got the whole offense thing handled.
2:28-2:35
“Crow 4 Highsman!!!”
Again, we should NOT let Crow and Josh spend a minute of free time together. Not one minute. Seriously.
♦♦♦
I feel closer to Isaiah Crowell than I did before watching this video. I feel that I understand where he has come from and what he hopes to achieve. I have seen him hold a bulldog puppy, so he’s probably cool with Swagger. He has been embraced by a rabid dog-centric fan base before, so he will fit right in in Cleveland. Crow is a man who enjoys life’s simple pleasures: He loves the game, he loves winning, he loves dominating, and he loves pizza Lunchables.
If this isn’t a young man that the City of Cleveland can get behind, then I don’t know anything. If that’s the case, then I’ll move out of town altogether.
I want to get some prime real estate in #crowhoenation before it’s all gone, anyway.
13 Comments
Isaiah will start once Ben “China in a bull shop” Tate, sprains a toenail.
“I love this part so much, mostly because Crowell doesn’t get more than a foot off the ground on his dive to the pylon.”
Probably my favorite part of the entire thing.
Tastefully done.
The “jorts” reference is a dig on Florida fans, who reportedly always and only wear jorts. For that reason alone (and not the 100 others), this was awesome.
Thank you very much for that
thanks G_O, was about to post the same thing. Jorts w/ popped short sleeve collar shirt is the goto Gator gear.
love the crows. awesome.
He’s just avoiding enemy radar by staying low to the ground.
I hope to see some pizza lunchables on the field during the next whole game. That would be awesome.
This is what I imagine going through his head on 1st & goal from the 1.
https://38.media.tumblr.com/e7cbed9a63a83d9bd6969e50e57f074a/tumblr_n7i5l9qBJu1s4jghho1_500.gif
“Swang” is definitely my new favorite word
I’m pretty sure Isaiah Crowell didn’t create this video lol. The YouTube account says fakeisaiahcrowell.
Playing between the hedges both on and off the field is a sexual reference to bush, and Sanford.. duh.