Browns

Weighing the Alternatives

Remote ControlSo, you were depressed by yesterday’s Browns game.  And by depressed, I mean questioning the reasons that life ever came to evolve in such a manner that homo sapiens run on a field dressed in space-age polymers while playing with a leather-ish weird shaped thing in a really organized fashion.  Yesterday was that kind of day for me, so I am with you guys.  It isn’t even anger at that point.  It leaps right past anger and goes straight into philosophy as a coping mechanism.  Here is one more coping mechanism.

Don’t watch the game on Thursday against the Denver Broncos.  I know it sounds crazy, but you really don’t have to watch this team play.  One of the people in the comments on Cleveland.com yesterday said they missed all but the last 8 minutes of the fourth quarter because he was mowing the lawn.  Do you think he felt the same level of despair as the rest of us?  Lucky for him, I am guessing not.  And with this week’s game being on a Thursday, the television is ripe with opportunities to watch something (anything) else.

Here are some of your options.

8:00 PM on VH1 Classic – The U.S. vs. John Lennon – This movie chronicles John Lennon and the Nixon administration’s attempt to deport him due to his politics.  It may be a whole movie about one of the most talented men ever to be murdered in the streets of the United States of America, but unlike the Browns game, at least you know all about the tragic ending before this documentary even starts.  On top of that it got 76% from RottenTomatoes.com which is rarely wrong.

smallville8:00 PM on CW – Smallville – This show chronicles the rise of Superman from when he was a high school kid in Kansas.  This is honestly one of my favorite shows even though I feel like a teenage girl when I watch it.  It is about Superman and the girls are pretty, so sue me.  Anyway, this is a very favorable alternative to the Browns game because at least you know Bryant Gumbel won’t be calling the action as something blows up and needs saving by Superman.  On top of that, as Browns fans we don’t know who Superman is.  As we keep watching Derek Anderson screw things up, we continue to put Brady Quinn on a higher and higher pedestal so he takes on Superman-like proportions.  Unfortunately for us Browns fans, opposing defenses might hold Quinn’s Kryptonite too.

8:00 PM on AMC – Rocky IV – It may start sad with Apollo biting it, but in the end we know that Rocky is going to take down Ivan Drago.  Along the way, you are guaranteed to enjoy the dichotomy that the movie creates by showing the super-modern training of the Russian as Rocky is scaling snowy mountansides and swimming in a pool.  There are guaranteed one-liners like “I must break you,” and the heartwarming moment when the Russian crowd chants Rocky’s name as he single-handedly ends the Cold War.  We know that Gorbachev’s doppleganger will undoubtedly stand and clap for Rocky.  Makes the Browns seem kind of trivial, huh? I don’t have any other tie-ins really.  I just saw Rocky IV on the schedule and I know that I can’t turn this movie off whenever it is on TV.

Passion of the Christ8:00 PM on Showtime – The Passion of the Christ – Finally, if you want to watch something that approaches the brutality of the last Browns loss to the Ravens, you might as well just watch the CGI-enhanced obliteration of poor Jim Caviezel in Mel Gibson’s biblical epic.  The two big keys here are first that you know what is going to happen so you can’t really get the rug pulled out from under you in the 4th quarter.  Second of all, we know this movie pulled in $380 million or so at the box office with a budget of $30 million, so even from the beginning, you know you are watching something successful.  That beats the Browns game about 100 to 1.  And maybe we, as fans should pool our money to help finance Mel Gibson’s next movie.  Imagine making some money instead of throwing it away on a team that can’t win a divisional game at home?

But, who am I kidding.  Being a Browns fan is to be masochistic.  Even if you think you want to stay away, there is no way you will.  We will continue to root for the Browns even if it means rooting for Brady Quinn.  We will continue to root for the Browns even if it is only to watch as Crennel uses up whatever chances he has left in his feline-like existence with this team.  Alright, I guess it is more like six or seven cats for Romeo.  Anyway, just know that there are other options even if you aren’t going to take advantage of them.