The Cleveland Browns: An NFL Elixir

Fade In

September 24, 2017

We see a humble tailgate in Indianapolis, Indiana. Children excitedly throw a football back and forth, but the adults are weary. They mechanically grill burgers and brats, occasionally glancing at the nearby football stadium with apprehension. The fans wear team colors, but their faces show no joy for they know that their beloved Colts stand no chance this day regardless of whom they are playing. The club’s struggles are great and their deficiencies many. Suddenly a brown and orange caravan rolls up to the center of the parking lot. It comes to a stop and large banners unfurl: “Come see the Cleveland Browns!” and “An NFL Elixir! The Cure for What Ails You!”

A 63-year-old Salesman with white hair and a smile exits the vehicle and steps onto a raised platform.

“Step right up ladies and gentlemen! Step right up! For we have a treat for you today, we certainly do. Have you had trouble with your offensive line? Is your vertical passing game leaving you in tears? No more! Those troubles are things of the past with new and improved Cleveland Browns Football!”

He holds up an orange, logo-less football helmet and continues as the crowd gathers around him.

“Tell me if this sounds familiar. You’re watching your team play Los Angeles or Arizona, but you just can’t get anything going offensively. First you manage only nine points then 13 a week later. But with just one dose of Cleveland Browns Football you too will be scoring 31 points for the first time in five games! Not only that, you will pass for a touchdown for the first time all season.”

The Salesman wears a gaudy orange suit with a brown tie. A top hat adorns his head and he spins a flashy cane as he struts and frets about the stage. A dubious Colts fan speaks up.

“Oh yeah? Well what about our defense? What can the Browns do for them?”

The old man’s eyes glint as he launches into his next sales pitch.

“That is a supreme question, young man! Supreme! What about the defense? Well how would you feel about two interceptions?”

The crowd lightly murmurs at this question.

“Not good enough for you, eh? Well then how about a third interception on the final play of the game to secure your team the victory?”

At this there is a smattering of applause in the crowd.

“Now we’re talking. That’s the Cleveland Browns Football guarantee – A Cure for What Ails You.”

As the crowd starts to warm to this stranger a dissenting voice calls out.

“Wait a second! This sounds too good to be true. What’s the catch, old man?”

The Salesman does not flinch at this accusation. He is used to it.

“That’s a fine question. What do we have to gain? What does it benefit me to engineer Cleveland Browns Football as a cure for the NFL’s ills while simultaneously providing neither benefit nor joy to northeast Ohio? Well, the simple honest to goodness fact is that I take great pride in what we do. I give my apothecary free reign to dispose of this Elixir as they see fit every few years and brew up a new one. Somehow, no matter which brewmasters I employ and which ingredients they use the result is always the same: You fine people benefit on Sundays. So why am I here telling you that Cleveland Browns Football will delight the fine people of Indianapolis? Because I get paid either way.”

Some in the crowd are moved to tears at the Salesman’s honesty and bravery.

“Now then, it is almost game time, and I know that you all want to get inside to see your victory. Step right up and get yourself a vial of Cleveland Browns Football: Your boys will run faster, jump higher, hit harder, and deliver to you a delightful afternoon. Not to mention the first Colts win of the season. Providing teams their first win of the season is our specialty.”

Blue and White clad fans storm the platform, each of them happily paying to see the wonders of Cleveland Browns Football, knowing full well that their ills will be cured and their ails balmed. With kickoff moments away the mysterious white-haired man pulls up the doors and packs up the caravan. He smiles, content with the good he is doing for the League. The same scene will play out all autumn long in Houston, Detroit, Cincinnati, Los Angeles, Chicago, and Pittsburgh. The Salesman knows they will all be delighted to see him, and he will receive a royal welcome in the Steel City.

Fade Out

  • RGB

    Buy in bulk…get a rebate!

  • MartyDaVille
  • tigersbrowns2

    well done , COREY … well done.

  • scripty

    Your screenplay formatting is heinous. Need a slug line and you are committing a litany of industry standard formatting errors.


  • mgbode

    So, it lines up with Browns football.

  • Chris

    2017 Standings:

    1 – Team Snark… The perennial juggernaut. Thanks for the good showing Corey.
    2 – Team Conspiracy… Coast-to-Coast is starting to get calls on the Browns. Being this bad for this long is no accident.
    3 – Team Rational… After a good showing Week 1, there have been few signs of life. This applies to both Browns and Team Rational.
    4 – Team Sunnyside… Like a young QB with no receivers, you just keep forcing it. There’s no sunshine. Stop.

  • mgbode

    Ain’t no sunshine when you’re gone… ba ba bum
    Ain’t no sunshine when you’re away… ba ba ayy
    Ain’t no sunshine when you’re gone, and you’re always gone too long. Anytime you go away.

  • tigersbrowns2

    haa … my band plays this song … love it !

  • tigersbrowns2

    WRONG !!! … I’m feeling okay about where we’re at … the only major hole i see is at WR & MAYBE a stud RB if you don’t think Crowell is the guy. i don’t know if they’ll spend meaningful FA money next year , probably not … but , we will probably have TWO high 1st round draft choices next year to add a couple more pieces.

    I am predicting an NFC North championship , which means the playoffs , in 2019 … mark it down !!


  • RGB
  • Chris

    No way the Browns can eclipse the Packers in just two years.

  • Chris
  • Chris
  • tigersbrowns2

    LMFAO !!! … yeah , you’re right , the Packers are too good … AFC North champions in 2019 , mark it down , baby !!

  • mgbode
  • tigersbrowns2

    LMAO !!! … okay , i am listening , what other major holes do we have to fill ??
    S – seems okay right now
    CB – good here
    LB – good here
    DL – good , especially when Garrett gets in there

    OL – good
    QB – inexperienced guys , but good
    RB – okay
    TE – very good
    WR – horrible

    HC – a little shaky , but still okay
    DC – okay so far
    ST – best coach ever !!!!

    Okay , hit me with your wisdom !

  • tigersbrowns2

    oh … i forgot the Kicker – love that guy !!! he’ll be here a long time.

  • tigersbrowns2

    punter – damn good !

  • mgbode

    what other major holes do we have to fill ?

    DE: w/ Garrett, Ogbah still needs to prove capable of being 2nd pass rusher- no push
    DT: Would like to see more Ogunjobi w/ Shelton

    LB: up & down play. one stud guy here changes entire complexion

    CB: Need at least two

    SS: OK here, either Kindred or Peppers can handle it
    FS: We don’t have one

    WR – as you note
    RB – 2.9 ypa for Crowell
    TE – OK, could be better as they are young & have talent
    QB – could be OK, some good and some bad. early for Kizer. hate our backup situation.

    LT – HOFer
    LG – Bitonio’s foot could be holding him back
    C – Tretter hasn’t been as good as we hoped
    RG – Zeitler is good
    RT – Coleman is still learning, some bad mistakes

  • RGB

    Get in. I’m driving!

  • RGB

    Minkah Fitzpatrick is going to look good next to Peppers next season.

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  • tigersbrowns2

    thank you … i have to disagree with you about LB … we already have Collins , Schobert & Kirksey … Collins is the highest paid LB in the NFL , so we have to live with him & hope he returns to pro-bowl form… and Schobert & Kirksey have been lights-out … then you even have a few interesting guys like Burgess & Bello … this position is fine … more pressing needs.

    i like the DL too … especially when Garrett finally gets in there … Shelton , Ogunjobi , Coley , Ogbah , Nassib & Garrett looks like a good group to me … again , more pressing needs.

    CB – we already have Taylor , McCourty & BBC … it won’t get a whole lot better than this … these guys will all start making big plays once Garrett & the D-line start getting pressure on the QB … this has been the biggest problem the first 3 games.

    we have a FS (Peppers) – Peppers & Kindred will both play better once the D-line starts getting after it … okay , i will say maybe you could use a stud S , though i still think Peppers & Kindred will do just fine.

    OL – you really can’t improve the O-line much more than the Browns did & Coleman has been a little more steady than you think … this group is fine. maybe a little more time to gel will do wonders.

    so , WR , stud RB , CB & S … Dalvin Cook is looking pretty damn good right now … even Fournette .

  • mgbode

    The Browns have $118m in cap space for 2018 and tons of draft picks, so I don’t really care what anyone is paid. If we can improve somewhere to dramatically improve the team, then we HAVE to do it.

    I think Collins is fine as are Kirksey & Schobert. But, w/o that one elite guy, the group suffers. If we can find that guy, then we need to go for him.

    Really, really disagree at CB. If it won’t get better than that group, then we will be in trouble for years to come. I do agree that pressuring the QB is more important.

    I don’t think Peppers is really a FS and am disheartened by how we are using him. Willing to wait and watch, of course.

    on OL, Browns did what they needed last offseason, doesn’t mean we shouldn’t keep looking to get better. If Tretter doesn’t work out, then we find our next guy there this offseason.

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