WWW

Arian Foster versus a wolf: Who you got? While We’re Waiting

Arian Foster Wolf Twitter

Confession: I have no desire to ever go camping. Like ever again. To say I would be happy to never camp again would be an understatement. It’s to the point where when any co-workers discuss camping trips, be it with other grown-ass men or their children, I wince.

The entire father-son bonding aspect is not lost on me. Nor is the fact that young children (not just boys) should camp a few times in their life not just to learn about the “finer things,” or whatever, but to place some much-needed distance between the connected world and themselves for a few days, potentially learning some survival tips along the way.

To me, however, these lessons learned are done so with the hopes of creating a better man or woman down the road, one who is more successful because of knowledge obtained as a child, and one who can then afford things like decent hotel rooms or a nice suite in a lodge if one must still be on a campground. Personally, I work my ass off all year round so I can afford such far-reaching luxuries like running water and a stove and clean sheets. Crazy, I know. In my estimation, however, one reaches a certain age where they should no longer have to contend with things like bug bites or rashes or digging a place in which to flush the system while on vacation. For Arian Foster, however, his days outdoors, though not necessarily camping, have led him down a whole other path of lessons.

Follow along here as Foster turns an innocent (and understandable) concern into a Twitter-wide debate.

I mean, this is totally fair. Like I mentioned above, but the bugs are just the tip of the iceberg. I’m not certain as to which part of the country Foster is looking to set up his tent, but there are much more threatening things than a few mosquitoes. For starters, raccoons scare the crap out me, so I couldn’t imagine having to deal with larger threats like bears or wolves or… wait, what’s that?

OK, now things are getting interesting. This seems crazy on the cover as wolves are fierce and are legit predators and travel in packs so things could get testy. But Foster made sure to make this hypothetical battle a lone wolf, and not the Baron Corbin kind.1 One Twitter user suspects Foster would be dead in 10 minutes after encountering said wolf, however, to which Foster responded.

Actually, 180 pounds is the very high end of the wolf spectrum, with most sitting in the low triple-digits, so Foster may be on to something. It’s also here where the running back mentions his thumbs as well as the wolf’s lack thereof. He’s obviously thought this through.

Nevertheless, Foster went on to discuss the conditions in which he was raised, inferring that his street toughness from his days in Albuquerque would only serve to help him in the wild.

It took a few tweets into the storm, but then one fan mentions the entire wolf pack thing. As if he’s never seen Frozen

Ah, right. Back to he thumbs. Foster clearly does not take his thumbs for granted. The “pack” discussion led to my favorite reply in this entire situation wherein a user drops in a dynamite Wu-Tang reference, which leads to a series of replies that, in the event you were actually giving Foster a chance at this point, may actually tip the scales into his favor.

Touché on the whole illiterate animals thing–wolves have no choice but to rumble on instincts alone. Now, I don’t necessarily think the lack of a high school biology class will render a wolf unable to lunge for the neck or what have you, but the inner hypothetical dialogue is absolutely golden. Plus: “The thumb thing”

It wasn’t going to be long before the nerds started discussing probabilities because they have to ruin everything, but nevertheless, we have one who gives the wolf the upper hand over nearly the entire human race.

While debated, the results of this prognostication are far ranging. While 90 percent of Twitter being taken out by wolves may border on wishful thinking, this specific wildlife activist actually puts survival at about 75 percent. They do, however, mention that weight—the first arrow in Foster’s quiver—matters little as wolves have been known to take down moose and other animals far larger, but when you factor in that Foster is, despite his recent issues, among the upper tier of physically fit human beings, it’s starting to become tough to bet against him. Some meatheads debated the same here, many of which—to little surprise—sided with man over beast.

Foster rolls on, plucking arguments against him out of the sky like clay pigeons.

Things got a bit humorous when former teammate Duane Brown piled on with a jab that Foster was “scared” to pet his dog. It didn’t take long for Foster to respond back with his man-versus-beast reasoning.

And then once a fan tried to question Foster’s health as an athlete, the former running back dropped the hammer.

If there’s ever been a mic drop moment on Twitter, this was the one. Yahoo Sports ran a poll following this ever-so entertaining discussion with the results pretty much (no pun intended) neck and neck. The incredibly self-aware Foster would make the poll his Twitter bio header image, skewered those who question his beliefs without substantial reasoning (“pop some follicles back on that culdesac” was amazing, for the record), and blamed our casual fear of wolves on the fact that fairy tales all cast wolves as the bad guys. The end of Little Red Riding Hood was no joke. Just one more reason to never hang out in the woods.

This Week’s Edition of #ActualSportswriting:

  1. Which, at 6-8, 275 may actually be a tougher task. []

  • RGB

    Man invented HVAC, indoor plumbing and the inner spring coil mattress for a reason.
    Camping sucks.
    Now, don’t get me wrong, I love hiking, jumping in the river/lake, sitting around a fire, but at the end of the day there better be a cabin awaiting me.

  • NankirPhelge

    One of the great experiences in life is emerging from your tent a little after sunrise to the smell of one of your fellow campers already up and frying some bacon and scrambling some eggs on a Coleman stove. Then you grab a cuppa joe and sit around for a while enjoying the grub and the exquisite smell of the outdoors in the early morning mist. Wish I could do it more often.

  • Chris
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  • Chris

    You guys are on-point this morning… not even 15 minutes after posting!!!

  • NankirPhelge

    Is this a cult or what?

  • mgbode

    So much to unpack in a fantastic WWW to start off this week.

    (1) I love camping but never do it (properly at least). So few weekends to do so and it’s so incredibly hot here during the weekends that are free. Father-in-law bought a camper though and the utilization of it for a halfway camping (all the day activities with a halfway decent bed & at least some minimal A/C) is fantastic.

    (2) Foster might have some pretty nasty gashes to treat afterwards but he has the right approach. Knock the dog/wolf on its side, then control his neck (and hips so he cannot wriggle away).

    Also: I’m w/ Scott on the raccoons. Those mischevious devils get into and ruin so many things.

    (3) The Fleming Tebow piece is great. I know it is done half-tongue-in-cheek but it is on point. He has no fear of failure and it is something with which he should be lauded. That he does so while using it as a platform for all of the humanitarian efforts he supports is also something to be respected.

  • Chris

    Those things better be warm… there’s no way all four of them will fit in that tent.

  • Every argument toward camping typically hinges on sensory “greater things in life” type rhetoric, but you could literally experience all of these things when emerging from a cabin. I don’t disparage anyone who enjoys doing the tent thing, I’ll just never understand why.

  • tigersbrowns2

    good , refreshing article … my money’s on the wolf.

  • Chris
  • Chris

    There’s no way Foster would stay healthy through the whole thing.

  • Hopwin

    Isn’t Arian a vegan for moral reasons? Now he wants to wrestle wolves?

  • RGB

    MYLES could defeat 10 wolves.

  • RGB

    Adoree’ just ran a 4.39. Nice.

  • BenRM

    That’s very funny. Good job, him.

    Also, camping is for chumps.

  • BenRM

    HA!

  • Garry_Owen

    Spent a week last summer in the Bob Marshall Wilderness in Montana with some buddies. 1,500 grizzly bears in that particular wilderness, as well as wolves, bobcats, and lynxes. There’s something special about being in that place, living roughly, even if the risk isn’t really great, just knowing that those predators are nearby. Apart from war, I’ve never felt so alive. I’ll take a week of life lived that way over a month of life lived comfortably at a resort, if given the choice. (Though not given a choice, I’ll gladly take a month, or a week, at a fancy resort!)

    That said, in the wilderness we had bear spray, many knives, and a .454 Casull – but I still didn’t really like my chances against any of those predators. But . . . I also never considered the force equalizer of the 8 thumbs that we had between the four of us. Come at me, Bears!

  • Harv

    As my father-in-law complained when our gynormous dog was introducing herself, “Man created shelter to keep these things out.”

  • mgbode

    Just by staring at them!

  • mgbode

    Peppers 4.46 is holding up rather nicely in comparison to the DB group too.

  • Chris

    8 Thumbs > 1500 Bears

  • Chris
  • RGB

    4.46 was a little disappointing. Must have been that hammy.

  • Wolves tweet about fighting Myles Garrett.

  • mgbode

    He was visibly upset about his 38.5 vertical (4th best among LBers)

  • Garry_Owen

    Faster than a wolf – for 40 yards. Then what?

  • (4) That awesome photoshop.

  • Chris
  • Chris
  • RGB

    Then MYLES teleports into the fray and barbeques the wolf with his laser beam eyes.

  • Garry_Owen
  • Hopwin

    If you want an in-depth parallel to Arian’s conversation I would high recommend:

    http://grudge-match.com/History/rott-chi.shtml

  • mgbode

    I mean, that awesomeness stands on its own. There is nothing more I can contribute other than to gawk.

  • nj0

    Emerging from most anything to someone else making you bacon is a great experience.

  • nj0

    My money is on Mormons.

  • nj0

    They will if you stack the bodies just right.

  • nj0

    Thumbs didn’t help Shawn Crawford outrun that zebra or Kobayashi beat that bear in a hot dog eating contest.

  • Hopwin
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  • WFNY_DP

    Except that I can’t sit around the campfire because I have to spend 30 minutes stretching to un-fook my back from having slept on the ground.

    In an unrelated story, getting old sucks.

  • WFNY_DP

    Having a 5-year-old has taught me–via Wild Kratts–that wolves can run for hours at a constant pace. Slow and steady always wins the race.

  • WFNY_DP
  • Garry_Owen

    Well, it really depends on the length of the race. Having a 12-year-old that participates in track and field with very little athletic ability, I and tell you that slow and steady doesn’t win a 100 meter dash.

    Fast and steady beats slow and steady every day!

  • WFNY_DP

    But… but… the tortoise said…

  • WFNY_DP
  • Garry_Owen

    I’ve always hated that fable. Lies. All lies. The hare would win that race 11 times out of 10.

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