“We’ve had a setback. Last week we managed to fix your spleen, but now your bladder isn’t working right.” said Dr. Hue. “As a result, you’ve urinated all over yourself.”
“This feels horrible. Will I ever be made whole again?” moaned the Browns players, coaches, and fans in unison.
“Sure you will. But it’s probably best if we knock you out for this operation. You won’t want to see this part.” Dr. Hue noted as he called out to the other side of the operating room. “Nurse Pep, hand me my hammer. The BIG one.”
This game was an abomination. Rob Gronkowski hilariously flicked the would-be-tacklers who did not completely whiff as he trampled 34 yards to the two yard line. Missed blocking assignments by the offensive line led to Cody Kessler being obliterated by the Patriots’ Dont’a Hightower.1 Missed assignments in the secondary led to Martellus Bennett simply walking into the end zone with no one else within 10 yards. Outside of one fun drive from Cody Kessler that ended in an Andrew Hawkins touchdown,2 there was really nothing to see in this game, and I think the ratings below will confirm it.
This was bad. The pressure just wasn’t there on Sunday. Part of the reason behind this is Tom Brady gets the ball out of his hand quickly. The other part of the equation is that nobody on the defensive line seemed able to win their battles on passing downs. Carl Nassib was playing with a club on his hand after coming back from a broken hand, and he was largely ineffective after an early hit on Brady. Jamie Meder racked up a sack, Cam Johnson notched a tackle for loss, and that was just about it.
QB Hits: 3
Tackles for loss: 2
Passes Defensed: 3
Week 5 PRESSURE Grade: 1 (out of 5)
GETTING OFF THE FIELD
The Browns were miserable in this category. Tom Brady didn’t allow the Browns any chances to pull in an interception and the Patriots didn’t put the ball on the ground one time. The lopsided time of possession may have looked a little better with Cody Kessler in the game, but with Charlie Whitehurst and Terrelle Pryor manning the QB position, it was mostly short-lived drives.
Third Down Conversion Percentage: 50%
Potential Takeaways: 0
Opponent Time of Possession: 34:39 (out of 60:00)
Week 5 GETTING OFF THE FIELD Grade: 1
The Browns managed to put together three plays over 20 yards and not much else. They only managed to get into the red zone twice, but did convert for two touchdowns. We also had a Connor Hamlett sighting on a touchdown pass in the red zone. Remember that guy? He made all kinds of noise by catching a bunch of touchdowns in training camp. Apparently he can do that in a real game, too.
Bill Belichick is known for taking away the one thing that your team does best and forcing them to beat you in a different way. That is what happened here. The Browns had the number one rushing attack in the NFL heading into Sunday’s game, but the Patriots squashed the Browns in their attempts to run the ball.
Plays of 20-plus Yards: 3
Red Zone Conversion %: 100
Yards/Run Play: 1.2
Yards/Pass Plays: 6.4
Week 5 PLAYMAKERS Grade: 2
Wait, what is this? A satisfactory grade for the Browns? Yes that’s right, the Browns’ offensive line was simply OK when it came to protecting their quarterbacks. We all know that comes with a huge asterisk since it was the poor communication from the offensive line that knocked Cody Kessler out of the game in the first quarter, and they later did the same thing to Clipboard Jesus. Still though, it is nice to see the boys hold one of the better defenses in the league to a measly two sacks.
Opponent Sacks: 2
Opponent QB Hits: 5
Opponent Tackles for Loss: 6
Week 5 PROTECTION Grade: 3
This game was completely unwatchable. In fact, I didn’t watch the second half. As WOIO was able to get their feed going again, the power in my neck of the woods in Virginia was knocked out.3 Someone upstairs was looking out for my emotional state that day. I went back to my parents’ house and played with my children, which was a much better use for the day.
Now that the game against New England is in the books, I think we’ll be able to see some actual progress in the upcoming weeks. The Browns only had two home games scheduled in their first seven, and one of those games was against Tom Brady as he returned from a suspension that he obviously felt was unjust. There will be more opportunities for the young and hungry Browns to make an impact in coming weeks, starting with a trip to Tennessee this upcoming Sunday.
Until that time, Doctor Hue recommends Tennessee whiskey, and lots of it.