The city of Cleveland is on fire right now. The Cavaliers just won the city’s first professional sports championship since 1964, the Indians are about to clinch their first division title since 2007, and the Browns are a dumpster fire that puts all other dumpster fires to shame. With all this heat, there was an urgent need for some hot-takes on Cleveland sports. Someone who knew sports, wasn’t going to worry about political correctness, and most importantly, wasn’t going to think before he spoke.
Unfortunately, Bernie Kosar was busy. However, I was able to get the next best thing: PFTCommenter. If you aren’t familiar with PFTCommenter, then you probably haven’t ever been on the internet, which is weird because it’s how you’re reading this post.
PFTCommenter was able to take some time from his busy schedule of drinking MD 20/20, delivering barrel-fire takes on the NFL, and throwing up milk to answer some questions about Cleveland and sport teams that call the city home.
Warning: the takes are hot. Reader discretion is advised.
Dan Harrington: You’re known to be pretty rough on RG3. What did you think of his signing with Cleveland?
PFT: I thought he was a perfect scheme fit for coach Hue Jacksons Erie-Coast offense. Basically, you try to act all superior, but in reality you’re just all wet. Griffin’s decision to tattoo the name of his new girlfriend on his arm is essentially the romantic equivalent of how the Browns are going to trade for Jimmy Garoppolo after getting three weeks of film on him. So, I’d say this is one of those rare transactions where everybody lost.
DH: Do you think he hurt his shoulder out of selfishness?
PFT: I think it was more than likely a pre-existing condition. Having a tattoo on a limb is the injury equivalent of that color-changing strip inside of cell phones that changes color if it’s exposed to water. If anyone has a tattoo, then it’s always a possibility that the needle did damage elsewhere and might have cracked open his rotator cuff.
DH: Should the Browns reach out to Johnny Manziel for QB help?
PFT: One thing that most reporters and announcers never realize is that Cleveland fans don’t attend football games as fans. They treat it as a football intervention for the Browns. Manziel, ironically, by refusing to play for the team anymore has rightfully set an ultimatum that he is not going to enable the Browns to be shitty. So, technically he’s doing all he can.
DH: If the troops fielded a football team, would they beat the Browns?
PFT: The troops have a better track record in the draft.
DH: You’ve been to Cleveland a few times such as for the RNC. What is your favorite thing about the city?
PFT: Probably the lack of Skyline Chili. That and the fact everyone jaywalks everywhere. Biggest complaint: they painted over that awesome Four Loko mural with a Miller Lite one. There’s such a thing as getting to big for your britches and forgetting your roots.
DH: At the RNC, you broke the Internet with your Joe Flacco sign. Did you bring that because you felt important issues weren’t being discussed enough by potential presidential candidates, or were you just curious?
PFT: I just didn’t know, and I thought I would crowd source it. Turns out we still don’t know, but this is going to be the year we find out. I think.
DH: Do you think Jimmy Haslam should run for president one day?
PFT: I think demonstrating a history of getting away with defrauding middle class Americans should be a prerequisite for any person with designs on taking over the United States goverment.
DH: After you left your wallet in Cleveland, the Cavs went 3-0 and won the title. How much of that success is due to your wallet?
PFT: My wallet has sincerely had more effect on the city of Cleveland than Dan Gilbert. I hope you all recognize the effect I had on the team and changing the fortune of your entire city from just being a town known for the city the Bone Thugs left to an actual titletown.
DH: can the Cavs make the playoffs without Delly this year?
PFT: I wouldn’t be too confident if I were you. You know who else thought they could dominate the East over the course of a long winter?
DH: Stingray Steve, Dan Woodhead, and Delly are hanging from a cliff, who do you save?
PFT: I honestly wouldn’t be suprised if Stingray Steve has magic powers and could literally fly. He’s that unique of a guy where I wouldn’t be shocked to see him ascend into the clouds and it turns out he was Jesus’s son this whole time. Delly, like every other Australian, can’t die. So, I’m grabbing Danny.
DH: Are you going to Delly’s wedding?
PFT: I will definitely try to crash Delly’s wedding. My understanding is that folks from Australia dont say vows they just hit each other in the crotch and the first person to quit has to take the other one’s name.
DH: I invited you to my wedding, why didn’t you show up?
PFT: I went to Cleveland three times in the past year. So, I figured instead of pressing my luck, I’d go vacation in Syria.
DH: You’re not too much of a baseball guy, but Indians’ pitcher Josh Tomlin is very gritty. Any chance you’ll have him on PMT?
PFT: Kind of ironic that he’s a throwback guy given he plays at Progressive Field IMO.
DH: Is Joe Flacco elite?
PFT: He won a Superbowl.
There you have it, Cleveland. Jimmy Haslam is a lock to be the next President of the United States, the Cavs have no hope, and there’s probably going to be some police involvement at Delly’s wedding.
For more hot takes, you can follow PFTCommenter on Twitter at @PFTCommenter.