Browns

Texts from Ray Farmer: Browns-Eagles

Ray.Feature

After a 3-13 season in 2015, the Cleveland Browns quickly initiated a (slightly) controlled implosion sequence, like that on an outdated stadium or (more appropriately) a Vegas casino that had fallen into disrepair. Blown away in the dust and rubble was the core of the Mike Pettine-Ray Farmer administration. You’d be forgiven (and extremely fortunate) to have already forgotten the entirety of the the Pettine-Farmer regime, one which distinguished its dreary and playoff-free seasons from previous administrations only by especially poor drafting and exceptional haplessness.

But the Pettine-Farmer Era (or as I playfully call it, in a nod to Parliament Funkadelic, “P-Farm”) wasn’t all misery and self-flagellation. There was some great comedy there, too. For instance, because of the boundless generosity of Mike Pettine and Ray Farmer and the collective smarts of the rest of the league, Johnny Manziel will forever have spent his entire [ital] career as a Cleveland Brown. How rich is that?

Another great piece of comedy from P-Farm was General Manager Ray Farmer’s four-game suspension for texting the sidelines during a game in 2014, which is officially the closest anyone in the NFL has come to being suspended for behaving like a teenage girl (other than that time Tony Romo was caught throwing a kegger at AT&T Stadium when Jerry Jones was on vacation). During the 2015 season, I was fortunate to be able to use my national security and law enforcement contacts to obtain texts Ray Farmer sent during his suspension.

Now, finding myself missing Ray Farmer and nostalgic for his bumbling ways, I’ve again called upon my friend [redacted] at the Federal Bureau of [redacted] to backdoor now-departed GM Ray Farmer’s text messages sent during the Browns’ dismal 29-10 Week 1 loss to the Philadelphia Eagles on Sunday. Here they are, more texts from Ray Farmer.

12:25 p.m. ET

With no evidence of interest from the rest of the NFL with the stench of the Browns lingering on them, neither Ray Farmer nor Mike Pettine appear to have been hired by anyone affiliated with the league, not even in a token BS consultant or assistant role. Looking to enjoy some of Jimmy Haslam’s dead money, Ray Farmer and wife Vernet went on vacation to the Caribbean. Vernet Farmer wonders why Ray hasn’t come down to the beach as promised.

vf-1-good vf-2-good

12:52 p.m.

As the Browns were not being broadcast on the Secluded Caribbean Island Broadcast channel, Ray Farmer needed streaming access to someone’s DirecTV Sunday NFL Ticket account.

Farmer texts former Browns CEO and surprisingly entertaining Twitter follow Joe Banner, with whom he has become closer since his firing in January. The two of them are bonded by their mutual disdain for the Browns organization and complete lack of remorse over decisions they made on behalf of the Browns.

banner-1

1:38 p.m.

It didn’t take long for the Browns to show their impotence against the Eagles. In the first quarter, the Browns offense had two punts, one turnover on downs, and a total of seven yards. Reveling in the Browns’ misfortune, Farmer texts former compatriot Mike Pettine, if only to annoy him for old time’s sake.

pet-1

2:50 p.m.

After a back-and-forth second quarter and a 35-yard field goal by Patrick Murray (who?) at the start of the third quarter the Browns trailed the Eagles 10-13, and briefly looked they had a chance to win the game. That would be short-lived, but what would not be short-lived is Vernet Farmer’s frustrations with her embittered husband.

vf-3vf-4-good

3:15 p.m.

Before long (as Farmer had anticipated), the Browns shot themselves in the foot, or at least dropped a really heavy object on it. Cameron Erving launched a snap over the head of quarterback Robert Griffin III that did not stop (at least not within the confines of the football field). The Eagles received two points for a safety, and the Browns would not score for the remainder of the afternoon. Ray checks in with Pettine.

pet-2pet-3pet-4-new
pet-5

3:40 p.m.

With the Browns utterly powerless to move the ball in the fourth quarter, Farmer again commiserates with Banner over the Browns’ misfortune.

banner-2banner-3banner-4

4:08 p.m.

Before long though, Ray Farmer begins to stop taking delight in the Browns’ failures. It had almost become too much. Then, went Robert Griffin III sustained a hit to the shoulder on an otherwise meaningless play with 3:49 remaining in the fourth quarter, it had become clear to Ray Farmer that Farmer’s vindictives had reached its breaking point, the terminus of his retribution.

When Farmer received a desperate text from Browns owner/witless billionaire Jimmy Haslam, Farmer’s serenity allowed him to give Haslam the response he didn’t want, but one the Browns needed.

haslam-1haslam-2poochie

Wow! Fake Ray Farmer came from another planet? And just like that, Fake Ray Farmer was never heard from again. No longer there to make light of the abomination the Browns have become by way of satirical text messages, the Cleveland Browns were, for the first time since 1999, ready to begin rebuilding … again.

Think of it as The Rerebuild.1 Sure, several, maybe even a dozen Browns fans missed Fake Ray Farmer. But rather than be sad that he left/died on the way back to his home planet, many took solace in the fact that they had ever met Fake Ray Farmer at all.

  1. Not to be confused with the Riri Build, Rihanna’s home remodeling reality TV show, still in development. []

  • Chris
  • RGB

    I actually had to close my office door while reading this.

    Thank you Disqus. Thank you.

  • Pat Leonard

    Pure gold. That Poochie reference at the end is everything.

  • Editing this, I almost lost it when the Walrus popped up. Incredible.

  • JNeids

    Don’t know if I really want to pull the curtain back, but Kyle, do you go to your parents’ house and borrow their phones, change “Dad” to “Coach Pet” and “Mama Welch” to “Vernet” in your phone, and just text yourself back and forth and then take screenshots?

  • Garry_Owen

    My comment was going to be: “Can this please, please be a thing forever?”

    But then you killed him off.

    First, the Most Interesting Man in the World, and now the Most Interesting Browns Articles in the World. Both gone in the span of one year.

  • NankirPhelge

    Now THAT is funny.

  • Garry_Owen

    Do these people not have chargers for their phones?

  • CB Everett

    And thank you Scout…for allowing us to appreciate Disqus.

  • JM85

    This needs to be a weekly thing.

  • RGB

    Does the termination of Texts From Ray warrant the youknowwhat?

  • Garry_Owen

    The finger? No. I wouldn’t go that far.

    Oh, you mean . . . No. I don’t think so.

    Trading Joe Thomas might, under the right circumstances. Out of sympathy for those that would find it tragic.

  • Chris

    His time settings were screwy too. Typical Ray.

  • mgbode

    Umm…I think (fake) Ray Farmer died.

  • mgbode

    What are you talking about? He explained the process in the intro…

  • mgbode

    OMG, it’s Holmgren!

    The ONLY better moment in Texts from Ray history was the barn + bridge moment (IMO)

  • Harv

    Much as I love these, the brain scrambles for reasons why this year’s cast is not next year’s Kyle spoof.

    Death Wish Robert didn’t last a game, Demolition Josh is on deck and a lost rookie is in the hole. Hue is making manic guarantees of love and happiness. DePodesta works from L.A. and but still makes public his QB eval, only to have it immediately become a national punch line. Please please please rookies, show some promise. A sequel will be way less funny.

  • BenRM
  • BenRM

    Zing!

  • BenRM

    I still use it in all my texts

  • Eric G

    IDK why, but the fact that his battery was less than 20% the whole time had me giggling like this.
    Did he charge it at halftime? And then again in between the 3rd and 4th? But not enough to not be in the red

  • humboldt

    Poochie is the original Crying Jordan

  • humboldt

    RG3 has one good texting hand. A dialogue b/t Jimmy and Dee could be interesting. Alogrithms between Sashi and Podesta, not so much

  • Kyle

    Whoa whoa whoa. Who said anything about ME killing him? It was obviously a catastrophic inter-planetary accident.

    Fake Ray Farmer’s death, while tragic, luckily occurred before we inevitably grew tired of his shtick. All we can do is live a life that would make Fake Ray Farmer proud.

    In an unrelated story, photoshopping screencaps of text messages at 1 a.m. is a big “what am I doing with my life moment,” so Fake Ray Farmer’s death may come as a relief for some.

  • Garry_Owen

    It was a generic “you;” a shaking my fist at the cosmos.

    I have spent the better part of the last 4 days doing what I think would make the Fake Ray Farmer proud: posting nonsense on WFNY.

  • maxfnmloans

    or maybe Ray is in talks to be the new Most Interesting Man in the world

  • Pat Leonard

    People come to WFNY for the quality work of the writers (Nelson laugh), but they also come for your nonsense and the nonsense of the other commentors. You wouldn’t presume to deny them that, would you?

  • Garry_Owen
  • Pat Leonard

    Fake Ray Farmer’s death, while tragic, probably saved lives. We’re in the business of saving lives, gentlemen.

    Sorry, I just watched A Few Good Men for the 67th time last night.

  • Pat Leonard

    Dang it, G_O we have open cubicles in this office, and I’m having the hardest time holding back. This kid is leveling me.

  • Garry_Owen

    100 times in, and it’s not any less funny. In fact, it might get funnier. You’d best pull up a TPS report and get to work.

  • Pat Leonard

    Pffff, TPS report. It’s a RACI chart, dude.

  • CB Everett

    Don’t sell yourself short. You’re doing God’s work! Much like Patch Adams or Mother Teresa, bringing comfort and joy to the downtrodden.

  • Garry_Owen

    This is what happens when a case that is scheduled for two weeks of litigation settles: bored lawyers.

    Moral of the story: Never settle, regardless of what Robert Vaughn tells you.

  • CB Everett

    You can spend some time writing a report, telling your client the Hero’s Tale of how you beat down your opponent, steered the client away from serious liability, and avoided the wooing of the sirens. Or something like that.

    Also, have you ever read “Getting to Yes”….the art of negotiating without giving in? We read it in law school, and it’s a running joke w some buddies, espec w respect to spouses.

  • RGB

    Maybe some crayon drawings from Care Bear?

  • RGB

    Maybe some crayon drawings from Care Bear?

  • Garry_Owen

    Oh yeah. “Read” that one, and “Good to Great.” Required reading when I was an associate. I just nodded vigorously and made up observations when we met to discuss them both. I find that if you use the words “synergy” and any derivative of “empowerment,” you will get far in those discussions and look like a star irrespective of whether the book was actually cracked open.

  • humboldt

    hearts, rainbows, and tire tracks

  • RGB

    Somebody here did a Maurice Carthon(?) playbook a while back…

  • CB Everett

    Agreed. And the synergy we have created today, G_O, will empower us all going forward.

  • Pat Leonard

    That thing was genius.

  • Pat Leonard
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  • Chris

    Does that kid dab between smearing ice cream? Classic