Brady Quinn doesn’t want DeShone Kizer to get drafted by Browns
September 22, 2016Buckeyes rout Sooners: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly
September 22, 2016Dear Hue Jackson and Company,
Too often life limits our choices. We cannot order a Whopper at McDonalds. We cannot bring zoo animals home with us. There are rules in place, a structure that quietly squashes our individuality and expression. However. Sometimes, every once in a great while, an opportunity presents itself that is simply too good to pass up. The brambled path opens up, a light shines through the darkness, and you find yourself sprinting through to the other side, condemning tradition and expectations. Such an opportunity sits before you, Mr. Jackson. You must take it.
You need to start 16 different quarterback during the 2016 NFL season.
No doubt you did not expect the season to start as it has, losing a quarterback in each of the first two weeks. Surely you thought Robert Griffin III would escape Philadelphia. Josh McCown, the NFL’s aging Stretch Armstrong, would have enough left to at least get through September. You cannot control injuries, but you can control the roster. Allow me to pull back the curtain and show you the awesome majesty of The Hall of Free Agent Quarterbacks.
Week 3: Cody Kessler. A third-round pick from USC, few expected Kessler to start this season or serve as the long-term answer at quarterback. The advantage is that he has had time to review the playbook all summer. The disadvantage is he is a 23-year-old rookie playing the thirteenth best defense in the NFL.
Week 4: Charlie Whitehurst. Look at that hair. That is quarterback hair. That is the hair Cleveland deserves.
Week 5: Michael Vick. Oh hey, Tom Brady. Good to see you again. Have you met our new quarterback MICHAEL VICK?? Brady’s return to the NFL will be one of the most closely watched games of the season so why not go for full media coverage by trotting out a semi-equally controversial quarterback Mike Vick? The man of two (2!) $100 million contracts will want a crack at the Pats.
Week 6: Terrelle Pryor. This one is not much of a stretch. Pryor played quarterback at Ohio State and even dabbled as the Oakland Raiders’ signal caller. He’s quick, strong and has a decent arm.
Week 7: Matt Flynn: Flynn made a name for himself in 2013 when he filled in for an injured Aaron Rodgers, turning in a 2-2 record over four starts in Green Bay. While that is fairly mediocre, the Browns could stand a little more mediocre behind center.
Week 8: Peyton Manning. Sunday Ticket ain’t cheap. Daddy’s got to pay the bills. Plus, Eli will be on a bye and it wouldn’t be a Sunday in the NFL without a Manning patrolling the field.
Week 9: Ryan Lindley: Another guy we can file under “wait, has he really won an NFL game?” Lindley is a career 1-5 with Arizona and Indianapolis. He cameoed in the Patriots training camp last season, but did not catch on with the team. So if he was not good enough for Bill Belicheck then he is definitely worth looking into.
Week 10: T.J. Yates. Sure, why not? Yates tore his ACL at the end of last season, but he is apparently feeling fit enough to play professional football. Plus he played behind Matt “Matty Ice” Ryan in Atlanta so he had time to learn all about poorly timed interceptions. By this point in the season it would be too exhausting to teach him that in Cleveland so that experience will help.
Week 11: Jimmy Clausen. Sure, he turned 29 this week. Sure, he is 1-13 as a starter. Sure, his 14 career interceptions double his seven career touchdowns. Sure he hasn’t played since Week 14 last season. But he went to Notre Dame, and that means he has seen the movie “Rudy.” That means he knows what inspiration feels like. He can bring that Rudy-ness to the Browns clubhouse. Who’s the wild man now, Coach Jackson?
Week 12: Tarvaris Jackson. Jackson has been around a while, starting 34 games in his career. Now, the downside is he has attempted a scant 20 passes over the past three seasons. But, glass half full, he is very well rested.
Week 13: Bye The week, not the parting. Oh no—you’re not getting away that easily. We have four more weeks of this.
Week 14: Sean Renfree. I have honestly never heard of Renfree before, but I understand he played quarterback at Duke. If there is one thing Duke is famous for, its their very successful professional football players so that’s all I need to know.
Week 15: Case Keenum. By this point in the season I’m guessing first overall pick Jared Goff will have supplanted Keenum as the Rams starting quarterback. Seeking to show the Rams that he does not really need them and make them jealous, he will have nowhere to turn but Cleveland. How do like us now, Los Angeles? You may have taken the Rams in 1946, but now we got one of yours!
Week 16: Keanu Reeves. One stipulation: He can only answer to the names “Johnny Utah” or “Shane Falco.” Non-negotaible.
Week 17: Tim Tebow. He’s gotta get ready for Spring Training somehow.
History comes in many shapes and forms. More often than not we hold no agency over the role we get to play in the textbooks.
As you’ll learn this winter, when the roads betray you and you find yourself fishtailing you don’t counter steer or slam the brakes. You steer into the skid. This is your skid, Mr. Jackson. Embrace it. #16in16
Sincerely,
Corey Barnes
20 Comments
I was coming into these comments to note no 16 QB list would be complete without Tim Tebow, but there you go pushing him in an otherwise meaningless Week 17 game against the Pittsburgh Steelers with what could be a franchise-setting record 16th loss (or 20th if we count preseason).
Then again, Tebow knows how to beat the Steelers in pressure situations.
http://s1.totalprosports.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/tebow-overtime-touchdown-vs-steelers-tim-tebow-gifs.gif
Assumed we’d be parting with one of our future first-rounders for Jimmy G
https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/f4d2ff5d85b80ae20d5c7a82bf95244afc0a514ba01924d8e99a5dd226847854.gif I’m on-board for lefty Shane Falco … especially if we can get the cheerleaders in a package deal.
Team Conspiracy has already placed a bet on 17 QBs.
https://waitingfornextyear.com/2016/09/browns-talk-with-team-conspiracy-while-were-waiting/
this is great “QB hair” , is it not ? https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/23c3defd0531d9ce4fc7ce0144e4c41dd623d33d4699391ed0c133ad041c8d48.jpg
https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/ea2338ab5f0d990f0f10eea2eb3eb640b60faa7cda04eeb4a7254c26c1054f7a.gif
https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/ea2338ab5f0d990f0f10eea2eb3eb640b60faa7cda04eeb4a7254c26c1054f7a.gif
and if things go really bad & we need to put fans in the stands … heck , i’d take her before Lindley & Claussen. i believe it’s Mark Rypiens’ daughter … good blood-lines. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/d7eac7874e46750d539434617aa35f2ed0344fd1b7086fd223ac3b3a1f15f87b.jpg
What about Steamin Willie Beamen, Mox, or the dude from Friday Night Lights?
http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/tinf.gif
No Kevin Hogan?
Johnny Utah’s knee should be healed by now.
https://media1.giphy.com/media/aDYXQy3W8XFG8/200w.gif
I mean, we don’t want to be too obvious, right?
Well in that case, I submit Joe Kane.
I heard this exact same premise on the Fan driving home a few nights ago. 16 QB’s for ’16!
Duh, Josh Cribbs is in town, talking Browns on the radio every Sunday and in his heart of hearts still has no no idea why he’s not playing for the Browns.
Play the man?
With the strain this puts on Hue, shall we dub him the Hoarse Whisperer?
Kane is able!
Update: through Week 5, the Browns have played 5 QBs
Update: through Week 7, the Browns have played 6 QBs and signed a 7th to be on the roster for Week 8