An Instant Classic (Just Kidding): Cavs-Pacers, Behind the Box Score
April 7, 2016Ball Played: Cheers, everybody knows their names
April 7, 2016Happy Thursday, visitors to the WFNY blogiverse. I trust that you’re all having a magical week fit for the annals (that’s two n’s, ya pervs) of the next several generations. I’m sorry that so many of you squandered some of life’s most precious resource (paid time off) on Un-Opening Day 2016 on Monday, and I’m doubly sorry that I just reminded you of that. If it’s any consolation, the Indians earned that first W of the season on Wednesday, the Cavaliers make real good basketball sometimes, and the Browns are showing off their new quarterback they’re sure to ruin. No championships today, but while we’re waiting … .
The NFL is coming to Twitter, and they’re trying to further appeal to the immediate-gratification, attention-deprived demographic with “instant merchandise,” as Darren Rovell wrote for ESPN. It’s a fairly innovative, quirky, comically tacky idea.
In an overlooked development from the recent owners meeting, the NFL extended its deal with e-commerce partner Fanatics and set up the parameters to make sure that the league can better cash in on what they are calling “Micro Moments.”
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“We live in an on-demand world,” said Fanatics CEO Doug Mack. “It’s not good enough to get the scores in the morning paper and in the social media age we live in, fans want what they want now.”
So if you don’t follow from that description and Rovell’s write-up, the NFL is trying to further merchandise the already most-merchandised league on the planet by spontaneously generating memorabilia and souvenirs so fans can commemorate what happened on a Sunday in October … forever! You know, for all those moments you thought, “Wow, what an above average game … if only I had a t-shirt to remember it by!” What would be the best Browns-related “micro moments” over the past five years that you would have impulsively memorialized with league-sanctioned merchandise? I have a few suggestions.
- A 100 percent cotton college crew sweatshirt embroidered with “5.1” to commemorate Brandon Weeden’s 5.1 passer rating against the Philadelphia Eagles on September 9, 2012, in which Weeden completed 12-of-35 passes for 118 yards with four interceptions.
- A “Jordan Cameron: Lifelong Brown, Lifelong Legend” t-shirt to celebrate Jordan Cameron’s three-touchdown performance against the Minnesota Vikings in September 2013. Buy now! There’s no way this moment has a shelf life!
- A “Shurm-inator” mask to remember the vaunted Pat Shurmur era, during which the Browns went an awe-inspiring 9-23. (Note: The “Shurm-inator” mask is actually identical to the mask worn by Michael Myers in the Halloween movies, but is indistinguishable from the pale, expressionless, vaguely clueless look of former Browns coach Pat Shurmur).
- A “Brian Hoyer, Savior of Cleveland” commemorative plaque to honor the moment the 2014 Browns improved to 6-3 with a Thursday night win over the Cincinnati Bengals, and the team’s imminent and inevitable Super Bowl Championship became painfully obvious. Hurry! Buy it now! Before you sober up!
- The Brandon Weeden flagpole — like Weeden, it’s 6 feet, 4 inches tall, skinny as a rail, and physically incapable of hitting an open receiver. Great for lifting flags off the ground so that you, your neighbors, and your pets aren’t ambushed and nearly suffocated by Old Glory, like Weeden was before his first start!
- The Peyton Hillis personal electric thermometer (which works like a regular thermometer, but registers a temperature four degrees higher than it actually is), in honor of the infamous 2011 moment Hillis sat out against the Miami Dolphins with “flu-like” symptoms, while reports indicated that some Browns teammates suspected Hillis missed the game because of his ongoing contract dispute with the organization.
- The Johnny Manziel Stripper Pole to commemorate, well … any weekend from either the 2014 or 2015 season.
- A #FreeJoshGordon beer koozie to celebrate the Great Josh Gordon Suspension of 2015. (Which will pair nicely with your #FreeJoshGordon “water pipe” when the NFL declines to reinstate Gordon, in accordance with their official Nonsensical Disproportionate Punishment Policy — COMING SOON.)
- The Cleveland Browns protective bike helmet to remember the approximate 28 concussions suffered by Browns players during the 2015 season. (WARNING: Doesn’t actually prevent concussions. Should not be worn during actual biking and should definitely not be worn during football gameplay. Might actually cause concussions.)
- The Billy Manziel Halloween costume to poke fun of the time Johnny reportedly wore a “blonde wig, fake mustache and sunglasses” in Vegas and used the alias “Billy.” Buy it now, before you have time to think this decision through! (Note: fake breasts sold separately.)
I’m sure there are plenty of awesome Browns moments I’m forgetting about that should be preserved for posterity with permanent tokens of their significance. Please share in the comments and on Twitter.
I already discussed American Crime Story: The People v. O.J. Simpson a few weeks ago, so I won’t retread the topic too much. But the finale aired earlier this week, and I thought it was an exceptional season of television — one of the few purely enjoyable television shows that was also extremely well done. Sterling K. Brown (as Chris Darden), Sarah Paulson (as Marcia Clark), and Courtney B. Vance (as Johnnie Cochran) were all electric on screen.
With the clarity of twenty-plus years hindsight and perspective, the entire trial (however absurd it was) seemed to make more sense, which in turned made things in the American media of 2016 more understandable (if not sensible). Alan Sepinwall wrote about how the show didn’t merely succeed by virtue of its subject matter, James Poniewozik (and a lot of other people) wrote about “Why ‘The People v. O.J. Simpson’ Matters Now,” and I think the remainder of the show further supported my thesis that over any other individual episode, “the O.J. Simpson pursuit and trial best encapsulates the country’s motives, interests, attitudes, values, and habits.”
Your Calvin and Hobbes strip of the day. Challenging yourself is exhausting and complicating. Don’t do it!
And now for the random ’90s song of the day. About a year or so ago, I made a Third Eye Blind song the R90sSotD (“Narcolepsy”). I usually strive to not repeat bands, given that there are so much many 90s bands I haven’t paid tribute to, and I care very deeply about the integrity of the R90sSotD. But I’m going to a Third Eye Blind show on Friday, so they were on the noggin, and I wanted to play another song from them.
I’m not going to pretend that Third Eye Blind is a spectacular band (they’re not) just because I like them. They certainly don’t compare to the premiere acts of the era. However, their first two albums (Third Eye Blind and Blue) have held up to time, and they have a handful of legitimately great songs. “Motorcycle Drive By” is one of their great songs. It definitely conjures images of high school summer nights with the windows down (or, if you were a badass, on a motorcycle), speeding down the road as the rush of the wind and roar of the music drowned out the noise of the crickets as you thought about that girl.
Visions of you on a motorcycle drive by
The cigarette ash flies in your eyes
And you don’t mind, you smile
And say the world doesn’t fit with you
I don’t believe you, you’re so serene
Careening through the universe
Your axis on a tilt, you’re guiltless and free
I hope you take a piece of me with you
37 Comments
I want a pair of Vince Mayle edition WR gloves. Extra slippery.
How about some commemorative LeCharles Bentley neosporin?
Mike Holmgrem Seattle-style BBQ sauce.
Kyle, have you really been doing R90sSotD for a year now? Man time flies…
I love Motorcycle Drive By. The rollercoaster slow-fast-slow pace, the lyrics…it never gets skipped when it pops up on the iPod.
We should come out with a board game called “Smartest Man in the Room: Browns Edition” where players get to choose what character they will be…Ray Farmer, Butch Davis, Eric Mangini, Mike Holmgren, et al.. Maybe a Game of Life style layout where you have to navigate your character past Pitfalls and opportunities, and maybe some trivia/challenge questions along the way. To wit: “Your top WR just got suspended for the year, it is the end of the first round of the draft. You have a high pick in round 2 tomorrow, along with 7 others…what do you do?” Or other gems like “If a pro day happens, and a GM ignores it, will that sound you hear be his career ending?”
You guys, I think we could make a lot of money with this
You guys keep churning out the suggestions. Pay no attention to me over on the trademarking website.
Your QBs trains in Berea, but your QB whisperer’s office is in Seattle.
Appear on Seattle sports radio +1000 Margaritas
An Aston Villa scarf and a box of sand to bury your head in?
Your new GM’s only qualification is wining his fraternity’s Madden 2002 kegger at Harvard.
Need to hire a GM? How about hiring the man who is absolutey detested in the city of your team and who hasn’t been employed by a football team in years?
Sell “outside the box” thinking to the media +1 more failed Belichik disciple
I want a ’90s-style t-shirt with an image of Trent Richardson running out of a silhouette of Jim Brown – “The Next Great Brown – From One Legend to the Another” – to commemorate “that one time” when Richardson made a monster 6-yard TD run against the Redskins in December 2012, proving that he had arrived as the new legend of Cleveland Browns football for the next decade.
I ONCE HIRED ANDY REID! NOBODY WANTED TO HIRE ANDY REID, BUT I FOUND HIM!
Can it be popping that one dude’s helmet off? Because that time he popped that one dude’s helmet off showed he had the physical tools to be our Power Back for years to come.
Napoleon? Is that you? Unfortunately I cant think of a good example of the “overly defensive guy who’s afraid he wont get his just due”
I think a series of t-shirts to commemorate TR’s many highlights would be appropriate. By my count, there should be . . . 1 more t-shirt to fill out the series.
How about a minimalist approach with a weight bench and a set of earbuds hanging from the bar?
Colt McCoy post-James-Harrison-hit bobblehead with extra long spring so his head is barely attached to his neck
Josh McCown remote control helicopter
Brian Hoyer sliding shorts
Now that I think of it, a Pez dispenser might be more appropriate
We could make that could happen…
http://www.worthpoint.com/worthopedia/colt-mccoy-bobblehead-cleveland-864168561
It’s probably just a piece of plastic to hold the head in place, but it looks like a neck-brace in the picture.
The Braylon Edwards Gift Collection: “Essence” cologne and chainmail padded socks to protect your feet when foot-racing.
Kellen Winslow Jr motorcycle training wheels.
Other Winslow items available on other team’s pages…
bonus gift: a set of motorcycle gloves full of vaseline and directions to Boston market
Autographed copy of Mike Pettine’s best selling book “Proper Clock Management: Your Secret To Success”.
Order today and get a bonus copy of Ray Farmer’s instructional video “Wide Receiver Scouting Techniques”.
Holgrum. Get it right.
What about some Braylon Edwards one on one racing shoes?
i got sucked-in to the O.J. drama … it was actually very good. whoever did the casting & make-up deserve a grammy … they did everything right , down to the smallest detail.
sarah paulsen , who played marcia clark , has been on every season of American Horror Story & is one of the best actors on the planet & people are becoming aware of her talents.
the real-life marcia clark gave her thumbs-up on the series & thought it was well-done.
it is totally freaky how OJ got away with murder …
LMAO !!
i’m not sure too many things can top the jersey with all the starting QB’s since 1999 listed on the back … funny , yet sad.
if anyone ever needed evidence that the only color that REALLY matters in America is green, I would have thought the OJ trial would have done it. Sadly, I was mistaken. Of course, the people with the money are all too happy to perpetuate race wars so that we spend our time fighting among ourselves rather than joining up and overthrowing them, Marie Antoinette style (but, with Ground beef at $6 a pound, its coming…maybe not in our lifetimes, but its coming)
And the OJ show was awesome. Shoutout to Sonarman 1/c Ron Jones (Courtney B. Vance) who absolutely killed it as Johnnie Cochran. And Paulsen made Marcia into a sympathetic character, which is enormously impressive. Much like in real life, the person I felt worst for in all of it (other than the victims’ families) was Darden. Talk about a rock and a hard place.
I would totally buy a Factory of Sadness style shirt that was Weeden ducking under the flag.
Thanks to everyone who commented and shared a memorabilia idea today. Well, thanks to anyone who comments or reads ANYday. But I especially enjoyed the memorabilia ideas. These were fun. Proof we have the best readers.
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