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March 25, 2016When an exciting, competitive ballclub isn’t enough to shake a fan base out of its apathetic funk, a front office must sometimes resort to shameless promotional stunts to get butts in the seats. As you might expect, the Cleveland Indians have booked a wide assortment of these events and give-aways for the 2016 season. I suppose you could go to indians.com and read all about them, but if you’d prefer enjoying a far superior and 100% fake version of the 2016 Indians Promotional Schedule, WFNY is your one-stop destination.
Official (Not Real) Cleveland Indians / Progressive Field 2016 Promotional Schedule
APRIL 6, vs. Red Sox
“Second Game of the Year Night” – Celebrate with your fellow die-hards and watch the Indians battle the Red Sox on a chilly Wednesday night in a non-Opening Day capacity. There will be regular priced hot dogs and some kid with a trumpet playing the National Anthem.
APRIL 15, vs. Mets
“2015 Indians Schedule Magnet Give Away” – Attendance wasn’t so hot at last year’s magnet give away nights, so we’ve still got a ton of these stupid 2015 schedules to get rid of. Re-live the excitement of last year’s 81-80 campaign with these still terrific keepsakes (caution: will definitely fall off refrigerator unless held up by other magnets).
MAY 5, vs. Tigers
“Jason Kipnis Snark Night” – The first 10,000 fans will receive a little bit of that trademark JK Kid snarkiness that’s made his social media accounts a hit. Your snark is guaranteed fresh, having been bottled by Jason himself the day before.
MAY 17, vs. Reds
“Elmer Flick Hall of Fame Reduction Ceremony” – Space is getting a little tight in the Cleveland Indians Hall of Fame, and unfortunately, we had to trim some fat. So come celebrate the memorable career of Tribe legend Elmer Flick (1902-1910) as we publicly remove him from the Hall and deny him his immortality. Elmer’s great-great niece will be there to take back his stuff and Sandy Alomar or somebody will say something.
MAY 27, vs. Orioles
“Turn Back the Clock Night” – Please come to this game! If a bunch of people come, it’ll feel like the ‘90s!
JUNE 1, vs. Rangers
“Bathroom All To Yourself Night” – All fans in attendance will have the opportunity to experience the peace and tranquility of using the Progressive Field toilet facilities without competition from their fellow fans. Armed guards will make sure that all restrooms in gates B and C are operated with an airline-style “one-at-a-time” policy, so you can do your business at your own speed while listening to Jim Rosenhaus’s muffled radio voice echoing from the speakers above the urinals. Take a deep breath. You’re okay.
JUNE 17, vs. White Sox
“Austin Jackson Bobblehead Night, presented by Dairy Queen” – Don’t miss your chance to take home this exclusive bobble of journeyman White Sox outfielder Austin Jackson, who is not a member of the Indians and never will be. This life-like bobble, available to the first 1,000 smartass fans who think we should have paid this bum $6 million, features A-Jax flipping you the bird while sporting his new ChiSox duds.
JUNE 21, vs. Rays
“Chief Wahoo Public Execution, presented by T-Mobile” – The Indians organization has been accused of trying to slowly, sneakily faze out your beloved logo. Well, let’s skip to the end, shall we?! Before the first pitch of what would otherwise be a Tuesday night snore-fest with the Devil Rays, Chief Wahoo himself will be forced to confess his sins to the Progressive Field faithful, who will then watch the 65 year-old caricature hanged from a makeshift gallows above second base. Fans in attendance will also receive a free Tribe tumbler cup!
JULY 6, vs. Tigers
“Andy Allanson Game Worn Jersey Night” – Former Tribe backstop Andy Allanson is beginning an exciting new phase of his life and has decided to part ways with all reminders of his days as a Major League baseball player. His loss, your gain! Andy’s old jerseys will be handed out to the first 1,000 fans. We can not speak to their cleanliness or authenticity.
JULY 26, vs. Nationals
“RNC Riot Bunker Night” – Fearing for your life as protesters and Trump supporters continue to clash on the streets of Cleveland? Come take refuge at beautiful Progressive Field. Our scoreboard is YUGE!
JULY 30, vs. Athletics
“Giant Communal Hot Dog Night” – Why get three or four Sugardale dogs when you can join with your fellow fans in partaking of one enormous, 40-ton Ultra-Dog placed on a slab outside the Indians Team Shop? Soo-wee! Dig in! A condiment station is conveniently available just 100 yards away.
AUGUST 1, vs. Twins
“Baby You’re a Fireworks Display, ft. Katy Perry’s Song ‘Firework’” – We continue our tradition of drowning out the lovely booms and crackles of our fireworks displays with annoying, unnecessary musical tie-ins. On this night, listen to Katy Perry’s 2010 smash hit “Firework” on a loop for 30 minutes as you learn to hate actual fireworks. And no, Katy Perry won’t actually be there performing it. Don’t be stupid.
AUGUST 11, vs. Angels
“No Kids Night!” – Just for one night, so we all can have a better time, keep your goddamn kids at home. Or at the very least, leave them out in the parking lot so they can take selfies to their hearts’ content while the grownups get drunk and watch Mike Napoli’s beard grow. We all want to shout expletives at the Anaheim players without some parent gasping and covering their stupid kid’s ears. Not tonight!
AUGUST 29, vs. Twins
“Josh Tomlin Spittoon Night” – First 500 fans get a genuine brass spittoon, the same kind the Little Cowboy uses for his chaw! …Look, we wanted to do a Francisco Lindor Truffles Night, but there’s just no negotiating with these truffle people. We genuinely tried.
SEPTEMBER 5, vs. Astros
“Dolanz R Cheap Piggy Bank, presented by KeyBank” – Inspired by every idiot fan’s favorite message board reply. Pinch those pennies and drop them into this delightful faux ceramic piggy bank in the likeness of Larry Dolan. Unlike most piggy banks, this one is unbreakable so don’t even try.
SEPTEMBER 17, vs. Tigers
“Pants for Slider Night” – Has Slider been bottomless this WHOLE time?! Well, might as well make a promotional event out of this disturbing situation. We don’t care if your kids are back in school or if RG3 is making his Browns debut. You better f%#@ing be at this game!
SEPTEMBER 22, vs. Royals
“Marlon Byrd-Brain Give-Away” – We literally made a wax mold of 39 year-old outfielder Marlon Byrd’s brain and put it in a tacky cardboard box. He doesn’t even know we did it. Let’s see how he reacts! What, he’s not on the team anymore?!
SEPTEMBER 25, vs. White Sox
“Fan Appreciation Day” – Oh, we see how it is. You won’t support a great team all season, and now you show up right at the end and want big prizes? Well the joke’s on you. We’re just giving away more magnet schedules.
10 Comments
Absolutely hilarious, Andrew.
You had me at Bathroom to Myself Night, only to lose me seconds later by saying I have to listen to Rosey.
No 10 cent Dortmunder Gold night?
Post Of The Year has a new front-runner
Do you think Rosenhaus sounds muffled in person too?
Just got my tickets for May 17. I DO NOT want to miss that.
Also, thank you for pointing out that Slider has been Porky Pigging it all this time. There is nothing more naked than just wearing a shirt. Even naked isn’t that naked. And then throw on shoes?! It’s a whole new level of naked.
He walks around the dugout, so he has to wear shoes.
No shirt, no shoes, no service. They never say anything about pants.
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