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March 7, 2016Last October, a day before the New York Yankees hosted the Houston Astros in the American League wild-card play-in game, CC Sabathia announced that he was checking into an alcohol rehabilitation center. The announcement was a major surprise, especially in such close proximity to the start of the MLB postseason. The Yankees pitching staff went into that Astros game with 118 combined innings of playoff experience. Sabathia alone accounted for 107 of them.
The Yankees went on to lose that game, but that couldn’t be further from the issue at hand. Sabathia, who broke into the big leagues with the Indians in 2001 at the tender age of 20, identified in himself a problem larger than baseball that needed to be addressed — and right then. Sabathia said at the time that he didn’t want to run and hide. He said that he wanted to be accountable for himself. He said that he wanted to be the sort of person that his fans and his children could look up to. He said he wanted to be proud of himself again.
Some five months later, the big lefty looks to be on the right track. He wrote about his battle with alcoholism for The Players Tribune in a piece entitled “My Toughest Out.” If you are familiar with the cycle of addiction, denial, and eventually seeking help, Sabathia’s story will ring true.
It wasn’t until 2012 that I really thought there was something wrong. But I also learned how big the divide is between having a problem and asking for help. I didn’t seek out professional help initially for a number of reasons. One of the biggest things was pride. I thought this was something I could control. I never thought that I actually had an addiction or a disease. I figured I just needed better judgment when I drank, whether it was just sticking to beer or saying I’d only have a couple of drinks (which would turn into 10).
…I never really wanted to stop drinking. So I would start going through cycles where I’d try to stop cold turkey while knowing in the back of my mind that I’d drink again eventually. It would always be two or three months sober, then a relapse. Three more weeks sober, then another relapse. I wasn’t getting better.
And that’s why I finally made the decision in October to get help.
He describes a weekend in Baltimore as a tipping point sort of moment. The Yankees’ Friday night tilt against the Orioles had been rained out, and Sabathia says he spent much of the weekend with the minibar in his hotel room. Sabathia was described as walking unsteadily and drinking “a brown liquid” at the stadium after the game Friday. He says that he had an epiphany around that same time: You don’t have to live like this.
While there were surely fans who were displeased by the timing of Sabathia’s decision, the Yankees organization was behind him. From manager Joe Girardi to GM Brian Cashman, the team made its support for CC clear.
Fast forward five months, and Sabathia says the club’s support was genuine.
Of course, the timing wasn’t the best for the Yankees and the fans, but that wasn’t my main concern. When I decided to get help, I wasn’t scared anymore of what people would think of me. I was scared of drinking again. So many of the major choices in my life, going back to when I was just a kid, have been baseball decisions. But this was a life decision.
That Sunday, when I went into Joe Girardi’s office and told him I needed help, I was definitely worried. Here we were about to go to the playoffs, where arms are everything, and I was telling my boss that I physically and mentally couldn’t be a part of it.
“We’re with you. 100 percent.”
When Joe said that, it felt like this tremendous weight had been lifted off of me. I didn’t need to lie anymore. It was a blessing, really.
Sabathia says that he spent much of his 29 days in rehab thinking. Really thinking; clearly thinking; thinking about his life and family with no alcohol to cloud it. It sounds as though he approached treatment with the requisite seriousness and came out better for it.
(If reading this through a Cleveland-centric lens, Sabathia’s experience with rehab stands in stark contrast to that of another prominent area athlete. A relevant line from Waylon, Steve Earle’s recovering addict character in The Wire, comes to mind. Speaking of his character’s nephew, who was out looking to score some heroin, Waylon said: “He ain’t anywhere near his bottom. Got to see that bottom coming up at him. Hard, too, cause he’s young; 24. Most people don’t get tired till they’re 35, 40.” It’s just from a TV show, but consider that Sabathia turned 35 last year.)
He thought about his father, who had his own addiction issues. He says that he got many of his best qualities from his dad, but it seems that that sword cut both ways.
My dad and I were always very close. I think I got many of my best qualities from him. But he struggled with drug addiction. I didn’t even put it all together until I was older, because he would never be around me while he was using. And it struck me that he dealt with his problem the way I did for so long: By trying to isolate himself so he could hide it.
The day I was named to my first All-Star team [in 2003], I found out that my dad had cancer and had six weeks to live. That had a big effect on my outlook on life that I never really came to terms with. It made me believe that everything good that ever happened to me would be balanced out by something bad. So even when I was experiencing good times, it was difficult to fully appreciate them.
But when I was drunk, I didn’t think about the other shoe dropping. I didn’t worry about feeling pain or regret. I drank because it made me feel nothing at all. And that was a lot easier than really dealing with my issues.
Maybe it’s because he got his start in Cleveland, but I found it difficult not to be proud of CC in reading his story. Addiction is a scary thing, and I can only imagine how much scarier it is when you know that your admitting to it will make national news — especially in the leadup to your team’s big playoff game.
So good for CC. He’s taken ownership for the problem and looks to be doing everything he can to stay on the straight and narrow. And now, as others have done — with addiction, or anxiety, for instance — he is putting himself out there to raise awareness and help others. Players Tribune pieces get ragged on from time to time, but this is the sort that deserves credit. Putting what was once a dark secret out on the mighty Internet is no small feat.
If I could go back, I wish I could have told myself not to be so scared of being judged for asking for help. I wish I understood that this situation wasn’t like a pitch that felt off. I couldn’t just try to work it out on my own until it was fixed.
…
If you’re having trouble coming to grips with your own issues related to alcohol, I want you to understand that you’re not alone. This isn’t anything to be embarrassed about or ashamed of. It’s a disease. And there’s a support system out there to help you control it.
Once you do go through the process, you’ll be you again — the real you. And you’ll realize that that’s good enough.
Kudos, CC. We’ll see you in July.
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Powerful