The NFL Waiting Room
February 12, 2016Indians sign RH reliever Tommy Hunter to one-year deal
February 12, 2016It’s easy to forget now, but there was a time—back at the dawning of the 21st century—when the NBA’s electrifying All-Star Weekend festivities were actually starting to get a little stale. The dunk contest had become passé, the Legends Game was scrapped due to an up-tick in out-of-shape geriatrics shattering their fibulas, and somebody let Bobby Sura into the three-point shootout. It wasn’t until 2003 that the Association finally found the solution to its Saturday night woes. They called it the “Skills Challenge,” but I like to call it the most exciting half hour in sports.
Suffice it to say, anticipation is at an all-time high for the 2016 Taco Bell Skills Challenge. I mean, just look at the crazy field: Isaiah Thomas, Jordan Clarkson, C.J. McCollum, Emmanuel Mudiay! And, in an earth-shattering twist that’s been grabbing headlines nationwide, several big men are entering the field for the first time, including Anthony Davis, DeMarcus Cousins, and Karl Anthony-Towns doing what they do best…dribbling!
So, we’ve got pretty much all the most exciting young players on the planet, tall and small, going head-to-head in their very own All-Star Saturday showdown. Sounds amazing. But perhaps you’re wondering, “Hey, what exactly is this Skills Challenge thing again? I have no recollection of this event whatsoever and I’m pretty sure I’ve watched All-Star Saturday the past few years.”
Ok, well that’s obviously a really stupid, ignorant question, but I’ll play along anyway. What is the Taco Bell NBA All-Star Weekend Skills Challenge, you ask? Well, first of all, it’s presented by Taco Bell. That’s pretty important. Second of all, it’s the single most ingenious test of speed, endurance, athleticism, courage, wisdom, manliness, and dribbling that’s ever been devised. To put it another way, the NBA Skills Challenge is an obstacle course of the human spirit, and it historically goes something like this…
1. Player must make a lay-up.
2. Player must dribble the ball around some orange cones.
3. Player must pass the ball through a large inner-tube.
4. Player must bounce-pass the ball through a second large inner-tube.
5. Player must make a mid range jumper.
6. Player must pass ball through a further away inner-tube.
7. Player must dribble through more cones.
8. Player must make another lay-up.
I think maybe there’s an uncontested three-pointer involved now, too? Who can keep track? It’s too exciting!
Anyway, if your mind’s not blown already, consider this… It’s All Timed! So it’s not just guys dribbling back and forth and bouncing the ball through circles. F%^k no! It’s guys dribbling back and forth and bouncing the ball through circles in a hurry! I mean, it’s usually in a hurry. Sometimes when they screw up the bounce-pass part or something, they just stroll through the rest of the course since they know they’re out of it. But still, it’s riveting television. So much dribbling and bouncing and uncontested leisurely shooting— it’s like the Home Run Derby’s back on steroids again!
Of course, like most people, I have my favorite Taco Bell NBA All-Star Skills Challenge memories. Baron Davis triumphantly out-dribbling Earl Boykins at the 2004 competition in Los Angeles certainly stands out. And, I think we all can remember exactly where we were on February 16, 2008, when Deron Williams shocked the New Orleans crowd by narrowly breaking Steve Nash’s course record of 25.8 seconds. Deron’s mad dash through those final suffocating cones—punctuated by a thunderous lay-up—got him in the winner’s circle at 25.5 seconds. I don’t think I even need to mention the wild roller-coaster ride that was the 2013 event, when two-man teams were assigned to “double dribble” their way through the course, with Trey Burke and Damian Lillard reigning nacho supreme and transitioning from mere stars into the icons of their generation. Last year, they made the Challenge into a knockout tournament. When an event is just TOO awesome, you kind of have to change the format every year, right?
For a long time now, many analysts have criticized LeBron James for never appearing in a Slam Dunk Competition, particularly since Kobe Bryant and Michael Jordan each famously participated. What these critics seem to forget is that LBJ competed not once, but TWICE in the Taco Bell NBA All-Star Skills Challenge (presented by Taco Bell), narrowly and nobly losing to his best friend Dwyane Wade in both 2006 and 2007. In a contest supposedly designed for the game’s smaller ball handlers, the 6’8” James showed his balls weren’t above anyone else’s.
So, which player will achieve legendary status by winning this year’s TBNBAASSCPBTB? Well, defending champion Patrick Beverley has tragically been forced to pull out of the event due to injury, so Vegas likes the new champ to be C.J. McCollum—the competitor most recognized for his cone-avoidance and passing-a-ball-through-a-tire ability. I can’t disagree with McCollum’s chances. He is excellent at not dribbling the basketball off his foot while progressing down the court. He also shoots nearly 99 percent from the field on uncontested lay-ups. However, my money is on Jordan Clarkson. The Tampa native and current L.A. Laker star has probably thrown a ton of basketballs through inner tubes while goofing around on the beach, and he shoots roughly the same percentage on uncontested lay-ups as McCollum.
Anyway, no matter who takes home the coveted Taco Bell Grilled Stuffed Burrito trophy, we’re all guaranteed another thirty minutes of fun, entertainment, great commentary, and maybe—just maybe—a little better understanding of ourselves and our place in the universe.
3 Comments
haha! great stuff!
I’d like to see a skills competition where the player eats some Taco Bell at half court and has to make it to the section 301 restroom in time.
my uncle Richie got an almost new white Fiat 500 Hatchback by working part time from the internet…
learn the facts here now
jur