Reports: Browns hire Moneyball linchpin Paul DePodesta as Chief Strategy Officer
January 5, 2016Fight the Irish: Ohio State’s history of defeating Notre Dame
January 5, 2016Waiting for Next Year takes a look into the not-too-distant future.
“Johnny! Great to see ya, kid. We’ve been expecting you for a while.”
Johnny Manziel enters the room, dark but for a single naked bulb hanging low and casting pale light on a circle of men sitting on folding chairs. The stranger continues.
“I mean, most of the time we can tell when someone is going to be joining us, but boy, you sure did dangle on the hook for a while.”
Manziel shifts his weight, obviously uncomfortable. “I don’t know if I’m really supposed to be here…” He trails off, embarrassed.
The facilitator continues, “Hey man, listen. There is no shame being a member of Cleveland Browns Quarterback Support Group. There’s no shame here. Let me introduce you to a few people so you can get to know the guys. This is Tim.”
Tim Couch sits on the floor holding his legs while rocking back and forth. Barely audible, he mutters, “Couchdropsbacktopass..notimeleftontheclock..hespiesMorgandownthesideline..andletsitfly..hehasit..hailmarytouchdown.” He pauses and whispers, “I was almost a Packer.”
The facilitator nudges Johnny along. “Maybe Tim isn’t feeling social right now. Did you know he never played a regular season game after he left Cleveland? It’s tough out there.” Johnny looks away, visibly nervous. His guide goes on, “But, y’know I’m sure you’ll be fine. Hey, there’s Ty.”
Ty Detmer stands nearby, grinning and holding his Heisman Trophy. Johnny perks up. “You played for a team after Cleveland, right?” Detmer’s smile quickly disappears, then reappears larger and more strained than before. “I played a couple years for Detroit, but I threw three touchdowns and ten picks in four starts, so it’s best not to dwell in the past too much. Did you know I won the Heisman?” Johnny gives a halfhearted thumbs up. “Yeah I think I saw you in a montage once. Good stuff man.” The guide continues to introduce Johnny around.
“Here’s Doug Pederson and Spergon Wynn. Now, Doug spent a little time with Green Bay from 2001 to 2004. Hey Doug, how many games did you start?” He playfully punches Pederson on the shoulder as Doug scowls at his tormenter. “None. Favre saw to that.” Wynn speaks up, “Well, I started two games for Minnesota in 2001, but I lost them both. I just threw too many picks (six over three games with the Vikings).”
Kelly Holcomb walks up and shakes Johnny’s hand. “Hey man, don’t let these guys get to you. Playing for the Browns is tough business. I should know; I was the most recent QB to start a Cleveland playoff game. Thirteen years ago.” Johnny raises his eyebrows. “Thirteen? That can’t be right.” Holcomb nods. “It is. Didn’t help me any in Buffalo or Minnesota though. Over 2,000 yards in thirteen games, but 4-7 in eleven starts doesn’t cut it in the League. Welcome to the club, kid. You belong here”
The guide ushers Johnny along, but the young man bristles at his touch. “I’m not like you guys, you know. I’m going to win the Super Bowl.” The guide politely nods. “Sure you are. You know who else thought that? Trent Dilfer – 1-5 in six starts for San Francisco in 2007; Jake Delhomme – 28 attempts and one touchdown in all of Houston’s 2011 season; Seneca Wallace – one spot start in Green Bay, one loss to Philadelphia in 2013.
Johnny feels himself drowning in the tidal wave of precedent. “Those guys were old when the Browns signed them, what about the young bucks like me? Surely some of the more recent guys are still playing.” The guide points to the young man with the Verizon phone standing against the wall. “You mean guys like Luke McCown? He has played for four teams since 2007 and posted a 1.8 QBR in a 2011 game for Jacksonville. Even the Jags couldn’t take that lying down. Now he holds a clipboard for Drew Brees. You can’t fight the facts, kid.”
Derek Anderson walks up to comfort the young man. “Hey, Johnny. Listen, it’s not all bad after the Browns. Look at me, I’m playing for Carolina and we are going to the playoffs!” Manziel gives him a side-eyed look. “Yeah but isn’t Cam Newton starting for the Panthers? When was the last time you started a game?” Anderson takes a step backwards. “Well, y’know, I started against Tampa Bay Week 14, 2014. And we won too! But truth be told, I’ve only thrown 107 attempts in the past five years.” He pauses, then blurts “73 completions, 795 yards, and five touchdowns in that stretch… I should go.” He walks away. Johnny stares ahead, crestfallen.
The guide continues his tour, oblivious to his guest’s utter despondence. “It’s pretty cliquey here. You might like those guys; they had a lot of hype too.” He points over to a triumvirate comparing scars and bruises from countless sacks. “That’s Charlie Frye. Can you believe the Browns traded him to Seattle after Week 1 in 2007? Course, he didn’t do very well there, or in Oakland for that matter; went 1-3 as a starter. The one with the dreamy hair is Brady Quinn. You guys would have a lot in common – drafted 22nd overall, lots of hype from a major football factory, scramblers. Now, you’ll be happy to hear he found work after leaving Cleveland. Denver, Kansas City, St. Louis, and the Jets all had him on the roster. Sadly, he went 1-7 as a starter and lost out a starting job to Tim Tebow. The last fellow over there is Colt McCoy. Colt played a season each with San Fran and Washington, but couldn’t catch on with either. He wasn’t terrible, but couldn’t hack it in the bigs. Yo Colt!” Colt McCoy looks over and nods at Manziel as if to say “Hook ‘em.”
Johnny cannot take any more. “Hey old man, this isn’t scaring me. I’m a somebody. I’ve got endorsements! I’m on the cover of magazines. Who put you in charge? Who are you anyway?” The guide smirks. “I’m Jeff Garcia. I’m in charge here because I’ve done something no one else in this room has done: started and won a playoff game after leaving Cleveland. I played for the Eagles in 2006 and we defeated the New York Giants, 23-20 in the NFC Wild Card Game. I started the next week against the Saints too. The next year I went to Tampa Bay and took them to the playoffs just for fun. Sure, we lost to the Giants, but the point is I started playoff games after leaving Cleveland.” He surveys the room. “No one else here has.”
Manziel pauses. “But what about Brian Hoyer and Brandon Weeden? They are playing for the Texans and one of them will start a playoff game.” All noise in the room suddenly ceases. The players turn to Garcia. His eye twitches briefly before a smile plasters his face. “And of course we wish them both the best of luck. I’m sure everyone here hopes with full hearts, sincerity, and the whole of their beings that they win this weekend.” His smile stretches so wide it threatens to fall off his face. “They’re not better than us. Right gang?!” The group offers a half-hearted affirmation. Someone catches Garcia’s eye. “Ah, there you are! Johnny, there is someone here I think you should meet.”
Manziel turns and faces Ken Dorsey. They exchange greetings. Garcia leans in with malice, “Johnny, I think you and Dorsey have a lot in common. You see, after the Browns let him go he never played another NFL snap.” Johnny’s face turns white. “No, that won’t be me. It’s not possible.” Dorsey stares at him vacantly and slowly starts to chant, “One of us. One of us.” The chorus of failed Browns quarterbacks takes up the incantation. “ONE OF US. ONE OF US.” The sound fills the room. Johnny steps back, panicking, he falls over one of the folding chairs.
Johnny Manziel abruptly sits up in bed. He is home in Avon, covered in sweat. “A dream. It was all a dream.” His phone buzzes. It’s a message from Jimmy Haslam. “Johnny, why don’t you stop by the office today? I think we are due for a little chat.”
6 Comments
Haaa, good stuff, Corey.
Okay, so Billy has likely forced himself out of here. But any other team would be nuts to make him their starter. His career is on death watch. So the question is, is he just too stupid to realize this, or does he just not care?
This Shakespearean soap opera gets weirder all the time.
This post is like that painting of U.S. Presidents playing pool…except every one of them is Gerald Ford.
I’d buy it for the sheer irony.
Totally depressing, but well written!
“one of us , one of us” … LMAO !!!!
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Well, Hoyer’s career is now shot. He blew it big time in Houston against the same Chiefs that Manziel and the Browns held to a four-point win. I suppose Manziel will follow Hoyer to Houston – and take the Texans to the Super Bowl.