Match ‘Em Up: 5 Fired Browns Coaches, 5 Front Office Quotes

The Cleveland Browns have hit the self-destruct button yet again, and that means it’s Quiz Time here at WFNY! If there’s anything the hopelessly loyal Dawg Pound loves more than donating their money to psychological experiments in mass depression, it’s playing some good old-fashioned Browns trivia. Today’s super fun game is a mix-and-match in which we challenge you to pair up the fired Browns head coach with the things said about him by the front office following his dismissal.

Sound easy? Don’t be so sure! We’ve removed any direct references to the coach’s name within each quote, and we’ve hidden the name of the front office representative, as well. All we can tell you is that there is one quote each that refers to our notoriously shit-canned coaches from the past seven years: Romeo Crennel, Eric Mangini, Pat Shurmur, Rob Chudzinski, and Mike Pettine.

You can find the exciting trivia answers at the bottom of the article. Enjoy!

via GIPHY

No. 1:
“We felt that these moves were in the best interests of the Cleveland Browns and our future. I enjoyed getting to know [name] over the past several months, and want to thank them, not just for their contributions to the Browns, but also the insight they were able to provide. They are both fine men and I hope they have the best of success as they move forward with their careers. …We’re well aware that this has been a carousel. It’s our job to find the right coach and the right GM and bring stability long term for the organization. That’s our role. Our goal is to get the best person. …We’re going to explore all avenues, college coaches, coordinators and head coaches. The key is to get the right person. …Strong leadership.”

Hmmm. Which fella is earning the faint praise there? Bonus points if you can name the fired GM, too!

No. 2:
“This decision was not easy for me, and it was one into which I put a great deal of thought. Although we have made improvements this season, my responsibility is to ensure that we establish a program that will allow this team to compete at a championship level. That will continue to be our goal in everything we do. I want to thank [name] for all of his contributions to the Cleveland Browns, and wish him and his family the best of luck in the future.
…I don’t want to do this again. Historically, if you look at teams that don’t have to do this very much, they’ve been successful. It’s very, very important that we get this right.”

Any guess as to which sorry bastard that executive was referring to? Either way, it’s good to know the goal was to get things right!

No. 3:
“We greatly appreciate [name]’s dedication and hard work while with the Cleveland Browns. We’ve made this difficult decision because we don’t believe our football team and football operations were positioned well for the future. We are all disappointed with where we are and clearly understand your frustrations. We take full responsibility and understand you expect better from us. Your support and loyalty to the Browns is beyond compare, and as the stewards of this franchise, we take the task of creating success to heart. We are confident we will build a winning football organization. …Our focus as we move forward is on finding strong, smart leaders with high character who are relentlessly driven to improve our football team, willing to look at every resource possible to improve, and who embrace collaboration to ultimately make the best decisions for the Cleveland Browns. …We will approach the search for our next football coach and executives to lead our football operations with a clear vision regarding what we need to do to build a successful organization. Along with strong leaders, we need to build out a strategic plan, stay disciplined to it, and develop the right systems and processes to make better decisions for short and long-term success. We will be methodical in looking at candidates that epitomize the values we have laid out.”

Wow, inspiring. Nice to know it was yet another “difficult decision.” Who’s this asshole talking about, ya think?

No. 4:
“We appreciate [name]’s passion for the Browns, and we have great respect for him both personally and professionally. We needed to see progress with this football team. We needed to see development and improvement as the season evolved and, unfortunately, we took a concerning step backward in the second half of the year. …Our fans deserve to see a consistently competitive team. We have high standards, and there’s an urgency for success. When we believed we were not positioned to achieve significant progress in 2024, we knew we had to admit that a change was needed, and move forward.”

The coach above lost his job because he didn’t understand the Browns’s “urgency” for success. I bet he felt like a real boob when he finally got the memo. Literally. This was a press release.

No. 5:
“[Name] was a gentleman through and through. He was gracious to a fault.”

He was also a football coach to a fault. I tried to find an example of the owner saying anything about this firing being a “difficult decision.” Came up empty. Can you guess the fired Browns coach?!

So, feeling confident? Ready to see the results? Scroll below to find out just how well you know your Browns coach-purging history!

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Answer Key

1. Jimmy Haslam taking a dump on Pat Shurmur and Tom Heckert on December 31, 2012.
2. Mike Holmgren clubbing Eric Mangini to death with the dull blade of a pulaski on January 3, 2011.
3. Mr. and Mrs. Dee Haslam holding Mike Pettine and Ray Farmer’s heads under the bathtub water on January 3, 2016.
4. A team statement, unattributed to anyone, challenging the notion that Rob Chudzinski can procreate – December 29, 2013.
5. Randy Lerner may or may not have known who Romeo Crennel was – December 29, 2008.