PFF ranks Joe Thomas, Joel Bitonio, and Alex Mack among NFL best OL
August 12, 2015Cavs schedule for 2015-16 season released; will host Miami Heat in home opener
August 12, 2015Writers have spilt gallons of ink writing about the Cleveland Browns and their abundance of quarterbacks since 1999. Statistically if you are reading this then you probably started a game under center for the Browns in the past 16 years.
Despite an exhaustive and thorough vetting process the club has failed to identify a franchise quarterback since being reborn. Fans have endured twenty-two different signal callers and prepare to embrace Josh McCown as lucky number 23 this September. The previous QBs have employed both encouraging skills and infuriating deficiencies. We’ve seen tall ones, we’ve seen short ones. There have been fast ones, and there have been slow ones—lots of slow ones. A few strong ones mixed with others who appear to have been using the wrong arm this entire time. If only we could combine the quarterbacks’ strengths into one player. Maybe the essential QB ingredients have been on hand all along, missing only a Dr. Frankenstein willing to do the dirty work of assembling the ideal Browns quarterback.
Today, we go back in history and dismember the entire list and sew them all together into one, pass throwing, flag-ducking Pro Bowler. But what, exactly, would such a player consist of? Scalpel!
Right Arm: Derek Anderson
Derek Anderson never had problems airing out the ball. Despite his faults he always had the strength to reach back for a little extra and sail it during a game. Those passes did not always end up in the hands of Cleveland personnel, but boy they were in the air a long time. (Unfortunately not long enough for Braylon Edwards to catch them, however.)
Left Arm: Jeff Garcia
The Browns have not had a left-handed quarterback since returning to the League. Instead I chose Jeff Garcia mostly because his was the best visage to appear when you search “Browns quarterback stiff arm” on Bing. Look at the steely determination in his eyes! Look at the veins popping in that arm! Ignore the fact that this photo comes from a game in which Garcia recorded a 0.0 quarterback rating against the Cowboys!
Hometown-ness: Brian Hoyer
I really wanted to give this one to Charlie Frye (goodness knows he deserves something), but Hoyer’s Lakewood upbringing and St. Ignatius matriculation make this an easy call. We wanted him to be the Chosen One, but the man rarely lives up to the legend in the NFL. Still, the romance of playing for one’s childhood team is undeniable. He was certainly Chosen—we’re just not sure what for.
Ring Finger: Trent Dilfer
The Browns’ stable of quarterbacks mostly consisted of unproven rookies or veteran journeymen. Only one QB could share stories of February glory. Trent Dilfer won the Super Bowl with the Baltimore Ravens during the 2000 season. Pundits may quibble over how much influence he wielded that season, but Dilfer boasts the best pedigree among his Browns colleagues.
Hair: Brady Quinn
Natch.
Stories: Ken Dorsey
Dude played with Willis McGahee, Andre Johnson, Kellen Winslow Jr., Jonathan Vilma, Antrel Rolle, and Sean Taylor—and that was just one season. Lest one forget about the Nevin Shapiro scandal.
Contract: Bruce Gradkowski
Good ol’ Bruce made just $445,000 as a member of the Browns back in 2008. The Steelers are paying him three times that this season.
Legs: Tim Couch
A list of Browns QBs would not be complete without Tim Couch. Timmy did his fair share of running in an orange helmet. Granted, many of those scrambles were as much about self-preservation as yardage, but still. He gained 556 yards in 124 attempts while scoring two touchdowns on the ground. His longest run measured 40 yards and he averaged 4.5 yards per touch. We are going to ignore his 37 fumbles because it will be a different person’s arms hauling the rock.
Hype: Johnny Manziel (née Football)
No one manufactured hype like Johnny Manziel. Before he left the NFL Draft podium people were already lining up to buy his jersey while making the “money sign.” The jury remains out as to what kind of professional football career Manziel will have, but the early returns are troubling. The limelight has softened on Johnny since 2014, but the buzz around him remains audible.
That is our ideal quarterback. I can see it now. He drops back to pass. Rolls out of the pocket. He points downfield! A receiver is wide open! He prepares to throw! Oops he ran out of bounds. We probably should not have given him Brandon Weeden’s brain…
8 Comments
good article Corey …
Sorry, can’t even contemplate the black hole of depression the article will surely induce.
Ok, fine, I’ll read if you’ll first create the antidote: “Frankenstein of the Babes of Browns Quarterbacks.” You know, Garcia’s penthouse model, Couch’s Playmate of the Year, Johnny’s always-up-for-a-party significant other … can’t we do that first?
And another Deep Preseason Thought: if this level of female is chasing Browns’ QBs, how must the QBs of mediocre teams like Detroit and Houston be doing? Now THAT’S an article idea to pitch to your editors, Corey. You’re welcome.
Couch was the best of all of them. I always wonder how he would have played behind an actual NFL O-Line.
There’s no crying in football.
I’ll go with Colt McCoy’s legs.
You could have done without the ring finger comment….Stupid Ratbirds
When we get our franchise top 10 QB, is someone going to draw a cartoon scale with franshise QB on one side weighing down all other QBs on the other?
What about future QB Jones and his future wife Rousey