WFNYS: The best Cleveland Sports Items on eBay

Welcome to this 2015 Midsummer Cleveland Sports eBay Items Edition of the WFNYS!

This awards presentation was loosely inspired by an array of things:

1. The ESPYS, ESPN’s version of the Oscars for sports that’s largely redundant because, you know, sports are largely a months-long ceremony to give an award to the best team, air on Wednesday night.
2. Amazon Prime Day. A brand new corporate holiday begins on Wednesday, which Amazon will use to trick people into spending a lot of money on their site. If shopping on Amazon with Prime is like perusing the storefront of a well-organized mega-corporation, then shopping on eBay is like rifling through the junk in your uncle’s basement. The items here are a fun alternative to Amazon Prime Day.
3. A recent internal WFNY conversation in which one of our contributors confided he or she bought a Cleveland Indians Manny Ramirez t-shirt for $13 while intoxicated last year.
4. WFNY co-founder Rick Grayshock used to sort through the terrifying overwhelming pile of stuff on eBay frequently, and someone needs to carry the vintage, lightly-used-but-still-in-excellent-condition-batteries-not-included torch in his stead.

Unlike the ESPYS, the WFNYS can serve any desired purpose. Today they’re for eBay items, and tomorrow they may be for something totally different, like the best Cleveland athletes of the year, or the Browns best training camp standout, or something crazy and awesome that doesn’t even exist yet. And there is no trophy now, because it’s not ready for public eyes as its present version is so glorious and beautiful that it would melt your brain make your little eyeballs well up with tears before exploding out of your skull — which we don’t want. After all, you’re probably reading this on the can. We’re working on that.

Anyway, here’s the 2015 Midsummer Cleveland Sports eBay Items Edition of the WFNYS. Please share all of the awesome, wonderfully tacky stuff we undoubtedly missed in the comments or on Twitter. After all, what Cleveland fans lack in championships we make up for in creative re-purposing of our most campiest memories.

Best Fashion Accessory: 1980s Cleveland Browns Suspenders 

Want to be a hit at the party and impress the ladies with your fashion sense without all the fuss and expense of a flashy watch? Want to appeal to a jury’s folksy sensibilities while also showing your allegiance to the Browns? Want to keep your pants up? Boy, then do we have the fashion accessory for you. If you want your attire to be a metaphor for the Cleveland Browns quarterback situation, you would wear these with a Cleveland Browns belt and your pants would still fall down. If you want a pair of these babies to hold up your seersucker suit you entered the market late, as a pair of similar suspenders went for $13.00 on Monday. Buy now! This item’s hot!

Best Jacket Ever: 1980s Browns Windbreaker

There’s not much to say about this one. It’s fantastic, it has a Browns logo and a brown-and-orange trim that’s perfectly inappropriate, and it’s gold. All your friends will be jealous. Word has it that it’s made from the same gold alloy that NASA uses to prevent the sun’s rays from frying space shuttles’ electronics.¹

Runner-Up: 1990s Cavaliers Starter Pullover

Best Hollywood/Cleveland Cross-Over Item: Signed Pedro Cerrano Jersey from Major League

It’s actually difficult to discern who signed the jersey. Is it the “real” Pedro Cerrano? Is it actor Dennis Haysbert? Is it Dennis Haysbert pretending to be Pedro Cerrano? Is it someone named Pedro Cerrano? Was it a random guy on set with a sharpie? It doesn’t matter — you want it anyway.

Best Piece of Original Artwork: “Welcome to Cleveland”: Browns Dog Urinating on Steelers, Ravens, and Bengals Mascots

I don’t have much to say about this piece of artwork. I’m speechless, much as I’m sure many art critics were the first time they saw Pablo Picasso’s “Guernica,” though, I suspect, for a completely different set of reasons. The seller touts it as a “masterful piece of … artwork.” Art is in the eye of the beholder, after all.

Coolest Autograph Photo: Jim “Mudcat” Grant

I figure you have to be a badass with a nickname like Mudcat. Look how cool this (mud)cat looks? Years before Jules Winnfield in Pulp Fiction had one, Mudcat had a “Bad Mother F**ker” wallet in his back pocket while he was pitching for the Indians. Buy this autographed photo and instantly become 30 percent cooler.

Poorest Marketing: Browns Snapback Hat on Human Skull Replica

Call me crazy, but when I’m shopping for clothes I prefer not to imagine what they’d look like on a decapitated human skull. It’s just a little, I don’t know … morbid. One minute you’re happily trying to do some online shopping while eating a piece of pizza in bed, and the next minute you’re depressed and fending off a recurring nightmare. Here, watch the videos of an adorable little girl trying to hula hoop or this cat using a thong sandle as a transportation device. You’ll feel better.

Runner-Up: Anyone selling a dog jersey without a picture of a dog wearing the jersey

How am I supposed to know what the appropriate-sized dog is for the jersey? How am I supposed to laugh at your wiener dog wearing an Indians jersey? Come on people, this is elementary.

Most Random Autograph Collection: C.J. Miles, Darius Miles, Jamario Moon, Jon Leuer, Darnell Jackson, Coby Karl

Though all of these players coincidentally played for the Cavaliers at some point in the last 15 years, it would be a real challenge to find a more random collection of professional basketball players. The seller certainly asked at one point, “Are C.J. Miles and Darius Miles related? Oh, well, I’m throwing both of their autographs in here, anyway.” Worth buying for a few reasons: 1. The picture of Jon Leuer menacing David Lee (and brazenly signing over Lee’s face — you knew exactly what you were doing, Leuer); and 2. For the ability to tell people you got Coby’s autograph, hoping they never actually ask whether it’s Kobe Bryant’s autograph. (“Oh, oh, you thought I meant that Kobe. Naw, man. Coby Karl. He played five minutes for the Cavs in 2009.”)

Most Depressing Browns Autograph: “NICE!! Brandon Weeden Cleveland Browns Signed Autographed Photo Great Souvenir!”

It’s appropriate that the picture for this Brandon Weeden card is rotated so as to make him appear on his back. Also, at least two words in this description are complete lies.

Most Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm-Flailing Fan Item: MLB ThunderHands 24-Inch Jumbo Inflatable Fan Hands

You had me at ThunderHands. I have no idea what I would do with these, but I can’t imagine that they wouldn’t be fun. Don’t giant plastic hands just scream baseball? Imagine high-fiving someone in these bad boys. You could use one as a seat cushion while slapping a pal across the face with the other. They haven’t been reviewed on Amazon yet, but that’s only because people are too busy having fun to type anything. (There is zero percent chance that that logo doesn’t come off after one use.)

Best Reminder That Professional Athletes Used to Look Like Ex-Mafiosi: Autographed Photo of Browns Hall of Famer Dante Lavelli

This autographed photo — signed by Dante Lavelli, the Ohio native, Ohio State graduate, Browns end, seven-time champion, and 1975 Hall of Fame inductee — harks back to a fairer time when athletes weren’t physical specimens, players celebrated (and signed autographs with) nicknames like “Gluefingers,” and the Browns were good. In this photo, Lavelli looks like he’s in the middle of ordering a meatball sandwich — and now I want one, too.

Most Blatant Use of False Advertising: “CLEVELAND BROWNS LUCKY PENNY SOUVENIR!!! FREE U.S. SHIPPING!!!”

Hint: It’s not the free shipping that concerns me. Either this thing is BS or I have a warped view of what luck is.

Best Booze-Related Item: Heileman’s Old Style Sign

Some would say light beer using “unpretentious” as a marketing mask for “cheap” doesn’t say “You’ve Got Style,” but some haven’t seen me shotgun one of these in a parking garage.

Automatic Disqualification for Best Booze-Related Item (Because They’re From a Pittsburgh-based Brewery): Iron City Beer Cans from 1995

Best T-Shirt: Tie Between 1995 World Series Shirt and Mark Price Cartoon

Best Available Item: Pair of Cleveland Municipal Stadium Box Seats

What could be more romantic for you and your SO than a pair of seats from Municipal Stadium for the two of you to nestle beside one another? Get a beer from your own fridge (which is cheaper than even 10 cents if you ignore the fact you already paid for it) and some peanuts, and settle in for a Tribe or Browns game. It’s like you’re really at a game, but without all the hassle and ubiquitous corporate commercialization of modern live sporting events!

And if your boy- or girlfriend doesn’t want a pair of rusty old peeling dilapidated stadium seats in your living room? Dump ’em! It obviously wasn’t meant to be. You’ll always have an infinite number of useless Cleveland sports memorabilia items on eBay, and your good friends at WFNY.

1. Or it’s nylon. [↩]