Cavaliers

The Casual Fan’s Guide to Hating the Golden State Warriors

Carlos Avila Gonzalez/San Francisco Chronicle
Carlos Avila Gonzalez/San Francisco Chronicle

We’ve got ourselves a series. The Cleveland Cavaliers were able to triumph in Game 2, meaning that, despite all of the injuries, the Wine and Gold have claimed home court advantage and have nothing but a pesky west coast team standing between them and a championship. So I’m here once again to help you understand why, if you don’t already, you should hate the Golden State Warriors.

Let’s start with the name. I’m sure a lot of you were surprised like I was to learn that Golden State was not a college team. I thought there was a sweepstakes contest that allowed one college to enter the NBA this year. It turns out that is not the case. The founders of the team were ashamed to be from Oakland, I guess. The Athletics aren’t ashamed. What is your problem Golden State? Don’t want to alienate the Silicon Valley types?

Now we shall move on to team branding? Your logo is architecture. That’s all you’ve got? A bridge? We have got a bunch of those in Cleveland, but we didn’t feel the need to include them in our team branding.

Onto the coaches and players themselves. I’ve been told that Steve Kerr, Steph Curry and the rest of the Warriors are classy, nice guys. I also am choosing to ignore that, because this is the NBA Finals. For all I’m concerned, Steve Kerr regularly tries to take too many items through the express checkout at the grocery store, and Steph Curry has like 20 unpaid parking tickets. But enough generalizing, lets get specific shall we?

  • Steve Kerr – For most of the first quarter of game one I thought Neil Patrick Harris had court-side seats and wouldn’t sit down. Then later someone told me that was Steve Kerr, the coach of the Warriors. I find it to be a HUGE conflict of interest that a broadcaster be allowed to coach a team. Can’t he just listen to those “Mic’d up” videos to steal strategies? Time for some changes Adam Silver
  • Steph Curry – Reigning MVP Steph Curry seems to be a pretty good player. He dribbles well, he passes well, and can shoot lights out. If this isn’t reason enough to hate him, also consider that in traffic jams, Steph drives down the closed lane until right before the merge and then expects you to let him in, and then never waves.
  • Klay Thompson – Sharpshooter Klay Thompson has been giving the broadcasters fits. Every time Tristan Thompson gets a rebound, which is like ALL the time, they have to say the full name “Tristan Thompson” because there is another Thompson around. This has to get tiring. Also he looks like Cory Matthews from Boy Meets World.

  • Andrew Bogut – Is it just me or did a guy who works at a JiffyLube sneak onto out of the pit and onto the court?
  • Marreese Speights – This guy never met a shot he didn’t like or eventually take. And according to inside sources, takes both arm-rests in movie theatres.
  • Shaun Livingston – He ripped the hearts out of Cleveland fans when he left as a free agent, meaning Austin Carr could no longer say “Shaun Livingston, I presume.”
  • David Lee – My favorite thing about David Lee is that we haven’t seen him play a minute of basketball in this series, yet he is the highest paid player on the team.
  • Draymond Green – The main feature of Green’s game seems to be stomping around and yelling. He gets a few boards, and throws up a put-back or two, but none of this trumps the fact that when he is at an airport waiting to board he tries to board even though his zone hasn’t been called. And at the baggage claim he sees you standing a reasonable distance from the conveyor and walks up and stands right in front of you, effectively boxing you out from your bag, even though his isn’t even on the conveyor yet.

So the Cavs are in this series as it comes back to Cleveland. LeBron, Delly and the rest of the crew have given us hope that they can take down the Warriors, which is important because they are so easy to hate.

  • Special Thanks to Daniel Holmes (@crapula) for contributing to this report.

  • Sean

    I’m glad someone did this, but this was pretty tame, Dave.

    For Steph Curry let’s start with this: http://www.buzzfeed.com/michelleregna/all-the-goals.

    Steph makes $11.37 million dollars a year and his “Successful Blogger” wife hasn’t figured out how to remove “POWERED BY WORDPRESS”.

  • The_Real_Shamrock

    I don’t hate GSW I just love the Cavaliers more! If I have any dislike towards them it comes from the national media outright adopting GSW and all but crowning them before the series ever began. After KI was lost they went even further. Sadly this is nothing new it’s what they do. But if we talk about individual players I could do without Draymond Green’s large lips flapping as much as they do. I could also do without Stephon Curry’s poses. Funny thing is I don’t remember him posing like this when he first came into the league. Go figure.

    Oh and Klay Thompson’s GF Ms. Hannah Stocking was once Kyrie Irving’s GF. I could make a lot of jokes about that one. But I got Ms. Stocking on Twitter when she was talking up Oregon verse Ohio State. I’m hoping I can make it 2-2 when the Cavs hopefully shock the world!

  • Ezzie Goldish

    “and then never waves”

    I HATE those people.

  • Sean

    Other athletes who have scavenged off Kyrie’s leftovers: DeSean Jackson and Odell Beckham Jr.

  • Jared in LA

    HAHA! David Lee – My favorite thing about David Lee is that
    we haven’t seen him play a minute of basketball in this series, yet he
    is the highest paid player on the team.

  • The_Real_Shamrock

    Who did they scavenge? KI is a playah’ u go bro!

  • Sean
  • The_Real_Shamrock

    Hey wait that looks like Johnny Manziel’s GF!

  • The_Real_Shamrock

    I like David Lee but he must be hurt. I want to see what GM of the Year for GSW does when he has to spend money to keep guys.

  • saggy

    Reek.

  • saggy

    it’s your midwestern insecurity.

    Why does someone need to wave? And, why shouldn’t cars go in the lane that’s about to close? It makes traffic flow faster if cars fill up all lanes and then merge at the point of obstruction. The wave is unnecessary because it should be understood. I think that driving safely is more important than making sure the guy behind you is placated.

  • Ezzie Goldish

    1) I was kidding.
    2) Waving is simply a polite way of saying Thanks. That’s my midwestern mentality, not insecurity. 🙂 Perhaps that’s why most people here let people in, whereas in my ten years in NYC nobody lets anyone in…

  • mgbode

    Waving is standard in TX as well. Politeness isn’t necessary, but it is appreciated (by most).

  • I could hate the Bulls and Celtics. I can’t dig deep enough to hate the Hawks or Warriors. Hawks I kinda felt bad for, once my shock at how soft they were passed. Warriors are just dang good. The WARRRRRIORS chant is more odd than hateable. I just have respect. *shrug*

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  • saggy

    see, i find the opposite to be true here. I think in NYC we just merge 1 from the left, 1 from the right. It just keeps things moving. No waving necessary. It’s funny, though, because when i return to Cleveland and drive, I am always reminded to wave to someone who i go in front of or suffer the wrath!

  • snake4812

    I find it worse when the completely cut you off and then wave to act like they aren’t a total selfish d(*#&

  • nj0

    “It makes traffic flow faster if cars fill up all lanes and then merge at the point of obstruction.”

    You have proof for this? Being honest here.

  • nj0

    It’s hard for me to hate on Oakland. They’re the closest thing to Cleveland that the west coast has got.

  • Foghorn Leghorn

    I drive like Steph Curry, and frankly, if everyone else did, we wouldn’t have huge bottlenecks as idiots come to a complete stop to get over a lane. Match speed and merge. No pansy wave necessary.

  • Maybe that proof exists, but I’m calling b.s.

  • Or get over when you first see the signs a mile or more before the lane closes instead of being a Richard and trying to wedge in at the point of merge.

  • TomWFNY

    It’s called the zipper merge (see, e.g., http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Merge_%28traffic%29 ). The actual performance increase is debatable, but real world dynamics tend to work against it (people get angry if you try to merge too late).

  • BenRM

    I laughed.

  • Guy Noir

    A whole article about hating the Warriors, 24 comments, and not one mention of Curry’s stupid mouth guard?

  • WFNY_DP

    Bill Burr had a nice rant on his podcast last week about how a whole generation of young DB players are going to be doing that stupid mouth guard thing thanks to Curry.

  • Guy Noir

    Ugh

  • Trey

    But what about Golden State represents Oakland other than that’s where they play? Golden State represents San Francisco…..look at their fans.

  • Jalee Hendricks

    Dave “Jaba the nut”, move to another city. I write this on Feb 22 2016, and the Cavs have lost to the Warriors by 30 points IN CLEVELAND. Your team’s problem is the most petulant, self centered baby, LeBaby, who cannot deal with the fact he is the reason a good Cleveland team will never win a Championship against the TEAM Warriors. Trade him and go YOUNG. That is what the Warriors did (Curry 26, Thompson 24, Green 23, Barnes 22)