Alex Mack believes in Johnny Manziel
April 10, 2015Reminiscing With Roger: The Tribe’s Keith Hernandez
April 10, 2015That hair. That horrible hair. I swear I would see it in my nightmares. In that last moment right before I woke up in a panic, just before feeling like I was freefalling before realizing I was on Posturepedic terra firma, I would see that long, dark hair flowing out the back of that vile one-decaled helmet.
Sometimes the hair would split between two hapless blockers, a sword cutting through an overripe apple. It would find holes like a Swiss cheesemaker and explode out of them like a cheetah in fifth gear. It would find whichever brown-clad man held the ball and ride him to the turf, often extracting the ball in the process. This would always happen at the very worst time.
Sometimes the hair would slice across the field at angles not otherwise considered on the gridiron. It would go from northeast to southwest in an instant as though guided by a whimsical compass. The poor quarterback would think that the hair was well out of frame, and would only be able to shake his head after seeing his pass taken the other way.
Sometimes the hair would track the football down like Kenny Lofton tearing after a deep fly, but if Kenny began his chase from the dugout. The ball would sail deep down the field and the stadium would rise in anticipation. Thousands of breaths taken at once, tense muscles hoping to release in exaltation. The excitement would turn to horror as the hair drew closer. The horror would become resignation. The stadium would sit down in either silence or mutters.
The easy comparison to make is Samson, but Samson never could have played safety like that.
Yet the hair never boasted, it didn’t gloat, and that may have been the most frightening part of all. It wasn’t like the dancer from Baltimore who would boast and bloviate to anyone who would listen. The hair was a silent predator, lurking in the shadows. It begged to be overlooked even as its behavior rendered that an impossibility.
The man attached to the hair seemed to be exempt to physics, generating more force than an object his size should be allowed per Newtonian law. Were it not for the hair he may have looked ordinary. You would never have thought of him as an All-American, a Pro Bowler, a Super Bowl winner. He would have been the sort you’d pass in the frozen food section without a second thought.
With the hair, however, he was a terror. The easy comparison to make is Samson, but Samson never could have played safety like that. Along with his purple-clad counterpart to the south, he ensured that Browns quarterbacks were hitting at least a quarter of their shots from the bunker. He isn’t the only reason that no one could keep the job, but he was one of them.
And now, he’s gone, and the hair is too. He’ll surely be replaced by some new black and yellow villain, another Sunday tormentor who will inspire a whole new generation of nightmares. The hair, however, will not be replaced. It will live on like Freddy Krueger.
I hated Troy Polamalu very much. I am happy that he has retired. I wish him the best.
That guy scared the spit out of me.
7 Comments
First- really enjoyed the writing.
About The Hair, though: although he didn’t boast or dance (fair points), it WAS look-at-me hair. (Disclosure: this is coming from a 1970s teen who had shoulder length hair himself.)
I just can’t get by my anti-Pittsburgh bias, I suppose. He was great.
I have nothing bu specualtion to back this up, but I believe the hair has something to do with his Samoan descent. As opposed to other players who just like their dreads hanging out the bottom of their helmets.
What a hard playing, soft spoken, humble guy who gave it all. As a Browns fan, on one hand we can admit that the guy is a true pro’s pro….while of course with the other hand, we’d want to punch dirty Hines Ward in his stupid smiling face.
Methinks the next Browns QB tormentor will be Ryan Shazier, who, ironically enough, has NO hair. It seems preordained.
last year was the first year that I enjoyed seeing him on the field against the Browns, so it was time for him to retire. great career.
Good imagery, Will.
Clevelanders used to hate Jack Lambert back in the day, but I never did. I respected him for the way he played, even as he was killing us. Same with Elway and Jordan.
I save my sports hate for people who don’t deserve respect. Troy P isn’t one of them. He played hard and gave it his all.
Hall Of Fame, no doubt. This guy was amazing. I loved watching him against other teams. He was a blur on the screen. I think he’s one of the finest DBs ever to play.