Governor of Brohio Adam Gockowski finds himself in hot water this week as allegations concerning the fixing of hot dog races have led to a grassroots effort to recall the embattled Governor.
The allegations stem from an email reportedly sent by Gockowski to one of the hot dog racers, Onion, in which he instructed her to deliberately lose the race held on June 16, 2014.
In the email to Onion, Gockowski explained that Ketchup would be in the lead, but that he would trip over a groundskeeper’s rake “at the appropriate time.” Onion was told to “get taken out, too,” leaving Mustard to get an easy win.
Onion did not hit the turf as Ketchup did, but video footage appears to show the sausage slowing intentionally down the stretch. Mustard, who went off the board as a 6-to-1 underdog, won the race by three bun-lengths.
Gockowski finds himself in quite the pickle―or is it relish?―as this is just one example of what may be the largest cased-meat racing scandal of the 21st century. It is alleged that the Governor’s friends, also Brohioans, were placing lucrative bets on the action.
Both Onion and Ketchup declined to comment when approached by WFNY. Mustard, however, was not shy about speaking up.
“Ketchup is a crazy, crazy hot dog,” said Mustard, “And you can tell by his glasses that he can’t always see right. If he tripped on a rake, I’m not all that surprised.
“As for Onion, sometimes there’s just collateral damage when Ketchup gets out of control. Look at the tape; I’ve gotten hit by him myself. And Onion carries a purse, so maybe that knocked her off balance. It’s a real disadvantage, but without that purse, how else would we be able to tell that this hot dog with legs was a woman?”
The Governor’s office released an official statement downplaying any notion of race fixing:
“These allegations are ridiculous, bro. I’ve never sent an email to Onion, and this is all just an old beef—heh, beef—with someone who wishes he had my job.
“Don’t worry dudes, its all good.”
It is believed that the “beef” Gockowski referred to involves disgraced Mayor of Pronkville Steve Jackson, who was left without an office after the Pronkville area of the right field mezzanine section was disbanded. There is speculation that Deborah Vinter, former Trustee of the Subway Fan Zone, is also involved.