Cavaliers

The Casual Fan’s Guide to Hating the 2014-15 Boston Celtics

  • stevenselfie1/3
  • crowderasaparagus2/3
  • bass3/3

The Cleveland Cavaliers are back in the playoffs. Time for heated competition and even more heated rivalry. Some of my favorite playoff memories were forged not in loving the Cavs, but in hating a series opponent. But if you are like me, the murky depths of the Eastern Conference haven’t exactly been on your radar this year. In the first round the Cavs have drawn the hated Boston Celtics.

At first I was excited, based on this tweet from my good friend Craig Lyndall.

But then I realized that his statement was a joke and I couldn’t name a single player on the Boston Celtics. So where was this hatred going to come from? After extensive research watching game one, I have compiled some reasons for you to hate the Boston Celtics. Here are some key figures that you can start hating for the rest of this series.

Brad Stevens – Let’s start with the head coach. How old is this guy? 24? Does he make all of the players “check-in” at the arena? Does he draw up plays in Snapchat? How can a coach who just was complaining on Reddit about how tough his finals were ever make it to the NBA Finals? Answer: He doesn’t.

celtsgreyLuigi Datome – This is mostly about Brad Stevens and his poor coaching skills. Why you arent playing a guy named Luigi is bad coaching plain and simple…This guy needs more floor time.

Kelly Olynyk – First off, I was disappointed to learn that he was not the brother of Larisa Oleynik, star of “The Secret World of Alex Mack.”  I mean, no amount of GC-161 was going to help the Celtics in this series, but it turns out he doesn’t have access to it. The biggest problem I have with this guy is he looks like he should be the bass player in a Primus cover band. He doesn’t look like a guy who should be good at basketball, but apparently he is.

Jonas Jerebko – To start with it is tough to not just call this guy “Jerkbro.” Secondly, the commentators of this game called him the “Swedish Larry Bird” and that will not stand. Thirdly, “Jerebko” when pronounce properly sounds like a company that makes small engines: “Yeah, I wanted a mower with more power so I got the one with the Jerebko 2250.”

Jae Crowder – This guy looks like he was at the grocery store and needed to restrain his dreadlocks. So he headed to the asparagus.

These Jerseys – Yuck

Bill Simmons – I shouldn’t really need to go this far into this. If you don’t already know why you should dislike Bill Simmons, there is no reason to tell you now.

I hope that this guide will have you up and running for the the rest of this (probably) short series. I’ll be back next round to cover our next opponent.

  • thenoclist

    Your slideshow keeps shifting the text of the article up and down the page.

  • Harv

    I dunno, hard to dislike a team that the Cavs intentionally roped into the playoffs against their will. One so determined to lose that they use their clearly best player as a 6th Man.

    Also I find Jerebko fascinating in a He-Can’t-Be-Swedish-with-Such-an-American-Face way. Henry Louis Gates Jr. really needs to look into that guy.

  • Harv

    he’s just trying to make it more challenging for us to heckle him with comments

  • Paul Marsh

    Kelly Olynyk is Jay from Clerks (or Jay and Silent Bob)

  • The jersey was screwing everything up. Should be fine now.

  • No one should need a guide to hating any and all Boston sports. It’s Boston. And I won’t even start on the people.

  • scripty

    The NBA is a players league. The Celtics improve their roster by getting rid of 9 of the players from last year’s garbage of a team, yet Brad Stevens is hailed as the next Gregg Popovich? Please. Playing high tempo with a young team is okay but high tempo never sustains in NBA playoffs. The slurping of Stevens is hilarious. He’s one of 20 NBA coaches that are more or less the same.