Cavaliers

Is this our Armageddon?

One of you guys said yesterday that Kelvin Sampson as coach of the Cavs is our Armageddon scenario. This is the mental image I got. Don’t blame me. Blame the fine folks at Pabst.

<BRIGHT FLASHES>

<A phone rings>

Kelvin Sampson answers his phone. It is Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert, calling him back. “No”, Gilbert says. He hasn’t heard from LeBron. Quite frankly, nobody has. Even the great Tom Izzo could not get a hold of LeBron, Gilbert tells Sampson.

Furiously pacing, Sampson tries to think of a way to reach out to LeBron. Even a one-way dialogue is better than no dialogue, he thinks. He thinks “what would Bruce Willis do?” and it hits him. Pen comes to paper. Things finally come together.

<Strings, some piano, and a little bit of love>

I could stay awake just to hear you texting
Watch you smile while you are typing
While I’m far away and dreaming
I could spend my life coaching playoff surrenders
I could stay lost on the sidelines forever
Well, every moment coaching you
Is a moment I treasure

Sampson thinks, “How can I lure LeBron?”. He realizes only power ballads will grab the attention of the young star. He channels his inner poet.

(Chorus)
I don’t wanna close my eyes
I don’t wanna fall asleep
‘Cause I’d miss you, Bron
And I don’t wanna miss a thing
‘Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream would never do
I’d still miss you, Bron
And I just wanna win a ring


Coaching close to you
Giving other teams beatings
And I’m wondering who you’re following
Wondering if it’s me that’s leading
Then you kiss the glass I thank God we’re together
And I just wanna stay with you
As your basketball coach forever, forever and ever

(chorus)

I don’t wanna close my eyes
I don’t wanna fall asleep
‘Cause I’d miss you, Bron
And I don’t wanna miss a thing
‘Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream would never do
I’d still miss you, Bron
And I just wanna win a ring
I don’t wanna miss one dunk
I don’t wanna miss one chalk-toss


Well, I just wanna be with you
Right here with you, just like this
I just wanna coach you close
Feel your wins so close to mine
And just stay here in this moment
For all the rest of time

(Chorus)
Don’t wanna close my eyes
Don’t wanna fall asleep
‘Cause I’d miss you, Bron
And I don’t wanna miss a thing
‘Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream would never do
‘Cause I’d still miss you, Bron
And I just wanna win a ring

Sampson is happy with his song. He sits down, content. A door blows open. His hopes are dashed.


  • hans

    uhhhh…1st

  • Denny, you rewrote the entire song? Awesome

  • DJ

    Channeling your inner Drew Magary I see, Denny. +1

  • Jewpants

    uhhhh…. what?

  • JM

    Outstanding.

  • mgbode

    fantastic. steven tyler has signed on for this to be his 78th comeback attempt.

    best lines by far:

    I’d still miss you, Bron
    And I just wanna win a ring

  • Shamrock

    I’ll laugh then cry if Sampson gets hired. I’ll also be watching LeBron play somewhere else.

  • I don’t know which to be more impressed about- the mad photoshop skills or the lyrical Jessie-James that just happened.

  • subadai

    Your parents must be proud with what you are doing with your life.

  • Shamrock

    Easy crowd to please, pass the Chapstick! 

  • Stinkfist

    Denny, you run too much. I really think its screwing with your head

  • Alex

    I want my click back…