Browns

Weighing the Alternatives

Remote ControlSo, you were depressed by yesterday’s Browns game.  And by depressed, I mean questioning the reasons that life ever came to evolve in such a manner that homo sapiens run on a field dressed in space-age polymers while playing with a leather-ish weird shaped thing in a really organized fashion.  Yesterday was that kind of day for me, so I am with you guys.  It isn’t even anger at that point.  It leaps right past anger and goes straight into philosophy as a coping mechanism.  Here is one more coping mechanism.

Don’t watch the game on Thursday against the Denver Broncos.  I know it sounds crazy, but you really don’t have to watch this team play.  One of the people in the comments on Cleveland.com yesterday said they missed all but the last 8 minutes of the fourth quarter because he was mowing the lawn.  Do you think he felt the same level of despair as the rest of us?  Lucky for him, I am guessing not.  And with this week’s game being on a Thursday, the television is ripe with opportunities to watch something (anything) else.

Here are some of your options.

8:00 PM on VH1 Classic – The U.S. vs. John Lennon – This movie chronicles John Lennon and the Nixon administration’s attempt to deport him due to his politics.  It may be a whole movie about one of the most talented men ever to be murdered in the streets of the United States of America, but unlike the Browns game, at least you know all about the tragic ending before this documentary even starts.  On top of that it got 76% from RottenTomatoes.com which is rarely wrong.

smallville8:00 PM on CW – Smallville – This show chronicles the rise of Superman from when he was a high school kid in Kansas.  This is honestly one of my favorite shows even though I feel like a teenage girl when I watch it.  It is about Superman and the girls are pretty, so sue me.  Anyway, this is a very favorable alternative to the Browns game because at least you know Bryant Gumbel won’t be calling the action as something blows up and needs saving by Superman.  On top of that, as Browns fans we don’t know who Superman is.  As we keep watching Derek Anderson screw things up, we continue to put Brady Quinn on a higher and higher pedestal so he takes on Superman-like proportions.  Unfortunately for us Browns fans, opposing defenses might hold Quinn’s Kryptonite too.

8:00 PM on AMC – Rocky IV – It may start sad with Apollo biting it, but in the end we know that Rocky is going to take down Ivan Drago.  Along the way, you are guaranteed to enjoy the dichotomy that the movie creates by showing the super-modern training of the Russian as Rocky is scaling snowy mountansides and swimming in a pool.  There are guaranteed one-liners like “I must break you,” and the heartwarming moment when the Russian crowd chants Rocky’s name as he single-handedly ends the Cold War.  We know that Gorbachev’s doppleganger will undoubtedly stand and clap for Rocky.  Makes the Browns seem kind of trivial, huh? I don’t have any other tie-ins really.  I just saw Rocky IV on the schedule and I know that I can’t turn this movie off whenever it is on TV.

Passion of the Christ8:00 PM on Showtime – The Passion of the Christ – Finally, if you want to watch something that approaches the brutality of the last Browns loss to the Ravens, you might as well just watch the CGI-enhanced obliteration of poor Jim Caviezel in Mel Gibson’s biblical epic.  The two big keys here are first that you know what is going to happen so you can’t really get the rug pulled out from under you in the 4th quarter.  Second of all, we know this movie pulled in $380 million or so at the box office with a budget of $30 million, so even from the beginning, you know you are watching something successful.  That beats the Browns game about 100 to 1.  And maybe we, as fans should pool our money to help finance Mel Gibson’s next movie.  Imagine making some money instead of throwing it away on a team that can’t win a divisional game at home?

But, who am I kidding.  Being a Browns fan is to be masochistic.  Even if you think you want to stay away, there is no way you will.  We will continue to root for the Browns even if it means rooting for Brady Quinn.  We will continue to root for the Browns even if it is only to watch as Crennel uses up whatever chances he has left in his feline-like existence with this team.  Alright, I guess it is more like six or seven cats for Romeo.  Anyway, just know that there are other options even if you aren’t going to take advantage of them.

  • People say I’m crazy, for doin what I’m doin…

    Well they give me all kinds of warnings, to save me from ruin…

    /lennon
    //browns fan

  • B-bo

    There’s comedy, there’s high comedy, and then there’s the section about “The Passion of the Christ”. Epic.

    Bishop to E-5, sir. Well played.

  • Since I’m an American, I must watch Rocky 4.

    If I can change, and you can change… maybe we all can change.

    Now if only the BROWNS could change…

  • ClemJax

    This is a week that I’m thankful the NFL network and some cable companies are still butting heads over which package the network belongs on.

    It means outside of going the local Browns Backers bar, there won’t even be a temptation to turn the game on.

  • I’m so disappointed in you Craig. Thursday….8:00….no SURVIVOR entry???!!!!

  • “playing with a leather-ish weird shaped thing in a really organized fashion.”

    You call what the Browns do really organized?

  • Rick, even a desperate Browns fan shouldn’t have to watch that farce hosted by Jeff Probst. A horrible Browns game is still way better than that. 🙂

    As for the “organized” thing, I guess I just meant they play in a box with yard markers and there is a clock with referees and stuff. Certainly, what the Browns do on Sundays with Igno-Romeo at the helm can never be called “organized” or even “organised” if we move to Britain with Randy Lerner.

  • DCBucks

    I liken the Browns to the naked gay man that won season 1 of Survivor. The Browns have been voted off my island.

  • Jeremy C

    I actually have that remote control in the picture. It’s really easy to use.

  • buu

    dont forget “the office”/”30 rock” combo. that, or maybe even just going out and getting hammered with your friends.

  • jose

    craig….

    great suggestions! life just moves smoother when you abandon the frustration. I probably won’t watch until Brady plays

  • Why would I watch any of those when “My Name Is Earl”, “The Office”, “30 Rock”, and “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia” are all on Thursday nights? Not to mention Survivor and CSI. Thursday nights are great for TV.

  • Boomhauer

    The only way to see more inept leadership than Romeo is to watch Michael Scott on “The Office”.

  • mendy817

    like the guy mowing his lawn i was actually stuck in pittsburgh (yeah…i know) for the whole game and couldn’t watch it. luckily i had a friend txt me updates, and i found the game on the radio (thank you youngstown 570am!) only 2 downs before the final interception. lucky me.

  • I have to be an elitist here and say if you are going to watch The Office, it should be the REAL office starring Ricky Gervais.

    (Puts nose in the air, turns and walks away.)

  • What’s wrong? Did Darrell touch you?

  • DP

    Thanks for spoiling the plot of Rocky IV for me, Craig.

    Sadly, I have season tickets, and in this economy can’t justify not following through on the $45 I spent for the game.

  • Jeremy C

    Craig, you rule! Most people have no idea who Ricky Gervais is. Watch Extras too, and it’s okay to be a snob. I am.

  • I will definitely be watching Smallville. After a rough season last year, where the story lines were choppy and the relationship between Clark and Lana were driving me crazy; this season has been much better. With Lana gone, Clark is much less sullen all the time and the stories are better.

    During commercials I may switch to the game only because the Denver Defense is awful and if DA and Edwards can’t score on them, then there really is no point playing the rest of the season. Although that could also be the problem in a way. What happens if they go out and whip Denver? Then RAC can ride DA another three weeks watching him choke the rest of the way?

  • Mortimer

    I’m with mendy817 – I was at an awards ceremony and rushed in to turn the tv JIT for the last interception…w00t!

  • buu

    well you snobs, the british office isnt on on thursday nights, so what help is that? 🙂
    and good call on “its always sunny…”, probably one of the funniest shows on tv right now, though this season seems to be a little off…

  • TampaBrett

    I’ll be watching the game, and hoping they win, but here’s what I think the Browns should do. Stay healthy, save energy for the last game of the season and smash the Steelers on the road. I’m hoping they can do this and it’s a do or die game for the Steelers like it was for us last year against the Bengals.

  • Regis

    Speaking of TV shows, did anyone watch the Amazing Race yesterday?

  • doug1121

    British ‘Office’ is great. The Xmas episode is emotionally devastating and awesome at the same time.

    Besides, you know the Browns will win Thursday to give us another big tease. I’m not buying. What I will do is implore Randy Lerner to sell this team. The fractures permeating this organization start at the top.

  • Nicko

    Quinn starting on Thursday.